How do I hate myself less for only being able to feel intimacy with sex workers, due to a history of having been abused?
In ancient times, if a culture was going to survive and thrive, it was vital that its people “be fruitful and multiply”. Social pressures evolved to encourage people to marry and have children, and laws were designed to encourage this as well, and over the millennia we managed to trick ourselves into a mass delusion that lifelong exclusive monogamy is “natural”, despite the fact that it barely even exists at all (and then largely due to the existence of my profession). So even though we are no longer in danger of civilization collapsing if women aren’t popping out babies as fast as they can, a lot of people still act as though that were the case: older parents gripe if their adult children aren’t giving them grandchildren; the entire GLBT rights movement got sidetracked into a quest for official government fucking licenses; and expressing aloud a lack of interest in coupling will generally elicit either a stare of the sort otherwise employed when meeting someone with two heads, or else a smug reassurance that one simply “hasn’t met the right one yet”. Even many people who recognize the inherent instability of monogamy go instead for polyamory, an attempt to fix the problems inherent in ongoing committed relationships by multiplying them.
All snark aside, committed relationships work for many people, and emotionally-monogamous but sexually non-monogamous ones work for many others; hell, even actual monogamy (or a reasonable approximation of it) works for roughly a third of the population. But there are also a lot of people who are unable or unwilling to maintain romantic partnerships for one reason or another. Some may suffer from mental health issues; others like their sexual freedom too much to commit to a partner; still others simply feel it’s not practical; and many would love to have a partner, but are too shy or unpleasant or socially-awkward to attract and keep one. And some, like you, have suffered too much at the hands of people who professed to love you to ever give that level of trust again (not for the foreseeable future, anyway). And how does society respond to the (voluntarily or involuntarily) unpartnered? By telling them that there’s something wrong with them, or at least with their situation, and that the condition is one to be cured, shunned or even mocked. And sexual prudes and control freaks of every flavor want to add still another level of torment by declaring that sex is only for the coupled, so that those without the comfort of a partner should also be denied the simple, natural joy of feeling their skin against another’s.
Given those pressures and messages from both the well-meaning and the authoritarian, it’s no wonder you have succumbed to self-loathing, but I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to feel that way. To Hell with those people who are telling you, directly and indirectly, that there’s something wrong with you for preferring your sexual intimacy unspoiled by the fear of getting hurt again. Those who judge you don’t understand what you’ve been through, and they don’t want to understand because having to admit that a large fraction of so-called romantic relationships are abusive to one degree or another, some severely so, would upset their pretty little happily-ever-after weltanshauung. You still need sexual intimacy, so you get it from people with whom you have no personal connection, and can therefore trust not to hurt you; I think that’s a brilliant solution, and anyone who encourages you to hate yourself for it is an asshole who deserves only scorn. Fuck them and their fucking rules about what you “should” do with your body, money and time. Perhaps one day you’ll decide to trust a romantic partner again, and perhaps you won’t; either one is perfectly OK if it’s what you decide is right for you. But one way or another, sex workers will always be there to provide sexual intimacy without judgment, entanglement or the danger of falling into another abusive situation.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
While I have never been with a sex worker, I have long been considering such a thing. And now I’m torn. Ever since I knew what a girl was, I wanted a girlfriend. But I grew up too socially insecure to do anything, coupled with bullying and the possible sexual harassment from a girl at school, I have been far too scared to make any move. Now I am in a position in my life where I am capable of pursuing a relationship, and have taken steps to get one (I’ve even signed up for six months on Match.com). But I am now so used to my life alone that I fear I cannot give a girl what she needs, and that it will be a one sided relationship.
I’ve considered the idea of a life of sex workers, but I feel it would be emotionally empty, unless, maybe, I see the same one over and over. The main thing preventing me from doing such a thing is money. I am on a minimum wage for 35 hrs a week. Barely enough to live, let alone have any disposable cash. I’m working on other avenues to make money, writing, computer programming, and stuff, but I don’t know how that’s going to work out.
My 32nd birthday is coming up soon, and I look forward to a sexless life either way. It’s depressing.
This was a nice post, and I’m glad you recognise the loveless like me, and what we deal with.
Speaking as a polyamorous kinkster … Bingo
I would like to add another variant to the reasons for not being in a relationship: It does just not seem to be worth the trouble, coupled with the absence of any desire to put kids into this world.
Concerning reproduction, I am friends with a very nice, educated, smart couple and they do not want kids (no medical reasons). This frequently brings about somewhat awkward situations, and they have learned to deal with them. Personally, I assured them I have zero problem with that, having taken much the same decision. Bit it shows how focused people are on this, despite there not being any real need anymore.
That said, there is no reason to hate yourself, ever. Sure, we all have traits that we would rather not have, but the approach to that is to manage them, not to be aggressive against ourselves. That only makes matter worse and plays right into the hands of the authoritarian scum that want to dominate us: The best slaves are those that self-punish on transgressions. (Now, do not beat yourself up for this, it is simply a reflex to overcome.) The fact of the matter is that most “rules” on how to behave, most “ideals” on how to be are simply bogus and only serve the perverted fantasies some mentally defective “leaders”. Beyond “do not do unto others what you you do not want to have done unto yourself” and “obtain informed consent before” I have completely failed to find any fundamental moral principles that can hold water.
So the thing with purchasing the services of sex-worker is simply the same ones as with any services: Respect the service provider, pay fairly, tip if satisfied (very important in any context where tipping is an accepted option) and do not bankrupt yourself. If all that is fulfilled, then this is a civilized exchange between civilized individuals and there is not and cannot be anything wrong about it.
Am I the only person who noticed the essential flaw in the question: “…due to a history of having been abused?” If your limitation is due to having been abused, then you’re not blameworthy.
It’s so convenient to draw a clear line between a history of abuse and “only being able to feel intimacy with sex workers” but in such a complex thing as life nobody has the ability to draw clear lines except special interests hoping abuse victims will empty their wallets into the pockets of protectors, counselors, etc.
There are a lot of other candidate causes for someone (even an abuse victim) to have such limitations. I suggest you start by reconsidering how you arrived at this confused point, rather than taking the abuse-cause for granted.
I’ll bet your parents provided you with accurate, balanced, and comprehensive sex education from the earliest age, including specific information about normal and healthy sensual desire and genital pleasure, didn’t they?
Dude, STOP. Stop trying to make everything about your personal hobby horse. I’ve suffered in abusive romantic relationships too, and believe me, they can make a person very reluctant to get into other such relationships. So do not reply to this, do not attempt to defend yourself…just fucking STOP.
Wow, thanks for this post. As a woman I feel this pressure too.
I can get sex if I want, but having a relationship is so beyond me at this moment.
I do have a sex-buddy (an old client of me, actually).
We can get along well, and our agreements have never been broken. It’s real fun actually, to experience physical intimacy without all the baggage in a relationship.
I once tried to explain that to my friends, but I realized I had to stop, ’cause they’re all stuck in couple-relationship thinking.