Can relationships with different sexual histories really last? Say for example one partner has had over 50 partners while the other one has had 2 or 3, or one only having experience with oral/vaginal and the other everything under the rainbow? Are such relationships very likely to fail, or are they just like any other relationship?
Number of partners is completely immaterial unless one of the partners uses it to make trouble. Usually, it’s worse if the woman has had more sexual partners than the man, but I’ve also seen women who will use a man’s relative promiscuity as an excuse to fight. I’ve also seen many relationships with HUGE disparities work out just fine. As with anything else, if two people are really compatible it’s just not an issue; if they aren’t, anything can trigger arguments. It’s certainly true, however, that a person used to a lot of variety in activities might get bored if his partner is strictly the missionary-in-the-dark type and refuses to adapt.
I recently started a new, high-paying job, but I won’t get my first paycheck until next month and I have a lot of bills that can’t wait. So I am thinking about posting on Backpage and escorting for a short while. However, I don’t have a car and I’m not sure how much to ask in Dallas (is $200 an hour too much?) Also, how can I protect myself from undercover cops?
If you’ve never hooked before, you need to be extremely careful. $200 is typical for Dallas, so that’s OK; having men come to your location (incall) is actually helpful for avoiding cops because they generally prefer to have their targets come to them. Of course, that still means you need to set yourself up in a hotel room first, unless you really want strangers knowing where you live (which I would not advise). The alternative is either a taxi or getting a ride from someone you can trust to know what you’re doing. You’ll need someone like that anyway; it’s not safe to be alone with a strange man without someone knowing where you are, what you’re doing, when he got there and when he’s supposed to leave (or when you got there and plan to leave). If you don’t want to trust a friend, you might consider doing a few jobs for an agency instead of placing an ad yourself so that they can monitor you. But if you do place an ad, please keep it tasteful; a lot of “sexy” talk attracts both sleazy guys and cops, and you don’t need either of those. You didn’t mention health protection, but I cannot possibly stress enough that you absolutely MUST use condoms, no matter how much extra he offers you to skip them. Finally, please read my post about screening and follow the advice in it. Good luck!
What’s the difference between prostitution and escorting? I have come across several high-end escort websites and I notice that all of these beautiful women have a disclaimer on the front page stating that payment is only for time and companionship, usually followed by “This is not an offer of prostitution!” Does this mean I am safe from the law? Is it legal to pay money for time and companionship services?
There is no difference between escorting and prostitution; though some escorts may claim differently, escorting is simply one of many types of prostitution. The disclaimer you’re referring to is practically omnipresent on escort websites, and the protection is gives them is worth exactly what it cost for them to put it there: zero. It’s just like the various formulae they imagine will reveal a cop in a sting: “If you don’t take the money in your hand, they can’t arrest you,” or “cops aren’t allowed to take their clothes off,” or “cops can’t touch the girl,” or “cops have to answer truthfully if one asks if they’re cops.” None of these things are true; they’re the equivalent of magical charms whispered by the superstitious before going into danger. If a cop wants to arrest a woman he will, no matter what she says, does, doesn’t say, doesn’t do or writes on her website; even if the cops really had such rules (which they don’t), they would simply lie and claim the woman said or did whatever was needed to arrest her, or that they (the cops) didn’t do whatever it was they weren’t supposed to do.
So though the answer to your question is technically “yes” (it is indeed legal to pay for time and companionship), in actuality if you respond to a fake escort ad you will be arrested no matter what you didn’t say to the disguised policewoman. The way to avoid this is to only make appointments with known escorts who either have good reviews or are recommended to you by friends; that way you know that the lady is a reputable businesswoman rather than bait to trick you into jail.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I could be off the mark here but I think, for a good looking girl in Dallas who provides GFE … $200 is too low. I’d go more toward $300 / hr. Now … if it’s gonna be CBJ then give guys an incentive and charge around $200 – $250. Then again, on this I’m thinking about verified ECCIE providers. As far as being a BackPage girl – $200 (or even sometimes lower) may be typical in Dallas. Man – I just really wouldn’t advise that a gal advertise on BP. I’ve seen too many cheapo jerk guys go that route. I think you get a lot better clientele by jumping through the hoop and advertising on ECCIE or maybe one of the other sites.
Dallas is a competitive market though so if you’re good with $200 / hr – then it will help attract some business. Keep in mind the hotel room will have to come out of the fee unless the client is required to procure it.
Also – a lot of the SAFE MARRIED guys can only hobby in the daytime – and check out time is 1200 in most hotels while check in is usually around 3pm. If a guy wants an appointment anywhere from 12 to 3 … you may have to turn it down or else pay for the room for two nights … ouch!!
While I do not have personal experience with Eccie it has been voted by a group of providers (from all over the country) as the site where the worst clients come from. It even beat backpage.
Link?
Reason I’m doubting here is due to the structure and culture of ECCIE (and P411 to for that matter). You don’t just call up a girl on ECCIE and get an appointment – well, there may be a few who will do that but …
The vast majority of ECCIE providers want REFERENCES on you – and usually a couple. And – those references better be credible ones. I don’t know any ECCIE lady who won’t accept a reference from another ECCIE lady – but I know LOTS who will not accept a reference from a girl off BackPage.
ECCIE provides a “town forum” for the girls to share info too – which BackPage does not. When I contact a girl and give her my references, I know my references are telling her everything about me (that’s relevent) … my temperment, my habits of generosity, how considerate and courteous and respectful I am.
This network doesn’t exist on BackPage.
Now – I will admit – there ARE a lot of jerks on ECCIE. I find more and more of them every day and I can’t see how the girls put up with them. The ones who are smart won’t put up with their nonsense. My ATF will turn down a guy flat if she remotely senses a “jerk factor” in him. Call her up with two BackPage references … “Sorry but I don’t take refs from BP girls”. We got a couple of Pimps down here – she won’t take refs from him or any of his girls.
All that said … ECCIE is, I believe, DOOMED to extinction. If law enforcement doesn’t find a way to hound it out of business – other, sinister elements will and HAVE worked to undercut the client / provider trust bond that the cite tries to foster.
50 partners is considered a lot? Where, in the convent?
It’s definitely on the tail of the distribution.
I guess it’s high for people who aren’t sex workers or regular clients.
The median for women in the US is 3-4 partners; 9% report having more than 15 partners (stats from CDC).
Can we guess how honest (and accurate) the answers are likely to be? CDC being a government agency, I can imagine sex workers lying in such a study (and I highly doubt they keep a precise count).
The median being insensitive to outliers, it doesn’t much matter what the sex workers said – if they said 5 or a million, it wouldn’t change the result. If they all claimed to be virgins, that would likely be enough to drag it down to a solid 3.
It’s entirely possible they’re under-reporting by a bit, but I think the order of magnitude gap is too big to explain by that alone.
My first response to this comment Kevin is: bwaaahahahaha!
My second respnse is quoted from a recent article about clinical trials of new female desire drugs: “(Yes, the lie detector had a much bigger effect on the women than the men, greatly increasing the number of partners women said they’d had sex with.)” Interesting article.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/magazine/unexcited-there-may-be-a-pill-for-that.html?hp
There’s this huge fear about these drugs in the American establishment… the fear that they might actually work. Certain people put that on the same level of “Danger Will Robinson” as splitting the atom. Neofeminists will protest these pills unless they are very carefully regulated, I guarantee it.
Oh, hah… just read the comments…
Yes, I am a bit taken aback by the negativity of the comments. Some of it is knee jerk anti-“big Pharma”, but a lot of the comments just smack of anti-sex mean-spiritedness.
PT-141 works for women.
Dunno why this hasn’t gotten a lot of publicity yet.
http://www.palatin.com/pdfs/pt141.pdf
It’s still basically in testing but it’s available now on the black market from research pharmaceutical companies.
Probably a media blackout.
I am my wife’s fourth husband, while she is my first wife. We’ve been together now for 23 years. I never asked her how many men she had been with who weren’t her husband… I think, based on my own experience, that differing sexual backgrounds are no big deal unless you insist on making it one.
From my experience I don’t think it’s a problem for the woman if the man has had more experience. The other way around though, I’ve seen guys who were bothered by it.
My wife’s sexual history never bothered me (though there’s no way hers could ever be as strange as mine was / is) and I’ve tried for decades to get my wife to tell me all her little sex stories – but she never does. It’s a big turn-on for me, thinking of her with other men … but then again, I’m strange like that.
Right it could only have been due to your insecurity if your marriage broke up, not that you were your wife’s 4th (or 100th) choice…
That was
A) irrelevant to this conversation, and
B) extremely rude.
Exactly. My history is a much larger number than my wife’s, but, neither of us make an issue of ‘before me’. My only concern with a woman’s sexual history is diseases and/or pregnancy; i.e. no surprise kids, no diseases. Other than that, whether she’s had 5 or 500 partners doesn’t matter to me, as long as it was before we made any agreements with each other.
Re, the first question. I was in a relationship like that at one point in almost literally that disparity. It occasionally bothered me, not because of any slut shaming but just because she had this whole vast past that I was not a part of. Sometimes, it made me feel like I really didn’t know her. But I never let it affect our relationship. In the end, it was a good thing because a) I learned a lot; b) it boosted my ego that she preferred me over all those other guys; c) it’s been 15 years since we were an item and we’re still very good friends.
Go through Hell with someone, and a lot of the silly stuff evaporates. It’s a great bonding experience, but I really wouldn’t recommend it to anyone 🙂
Of course, I expect that if that doesn’t strengthen your bonds, it will instead blow them totally away, so there is that…
I’ve been with escorts with those disclaimers on their websites. As you might expect, alone together, behind locked doors and away from prying eyes….
“The 5th Amendment is an old friend and a good friend. one of the great landmarks in men’s struggle to be free of tyranny, to be decent and civilized.” — William O. Douglas
Re. the first. What matters is not the mere possibility of it working. The probability matters. I don’t have any data on this, but I’m certain partners with similar number of partners are more compatible than not. Number of partners is caused by personality factors, remember, so that people with equal number of partners are more likely to be similar in personality, and thus more compatible.
I did a quick search in the academic literature but found nothing completely relevant. I’m not sure research has been done on that particular question, but it might have. I know that research has confirmed that more alike partners tend to fare better together than less alike partners. Opposites may attract, but they don’t hold.
See also Myth #27 in Lilienfeld, Scott O., et al. 50 great myths of popular psychology: shattering widespread misconceptions about human behavior. Wiley-Blackwell, 2009.
http://emilkirkegaard.dk/en/wp-content/uploads/50-Great-Myths-of-Popular-PsychologyTeam-Nanbantmrg1.pdf
Someone should go fix up Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homophily
Remember: Birds of a feather flock together, not opposites attract!
An excellent insight, Mr. Analytic Philosopher :).
Actually Emil, I disagree. My wife and I have fun with our differing backgrounds, it provides dynamic tension and entertainment as we each love learning new things about each other.
There is a yin-yang type of sexual tension in opposite-sex couples that same-sex couples eschew. Where the average same-sex couple looks for nurture and compatibility, my wife and I look for fascination with the other-ness of our partner.
I am white, my wife is black. I have never had children, my wife has had four. I was born and raised in the city, my wife in the country. I am right handed, my wife is left handed. I was married for the first time when I was 37, my wife was married for the first time when she was 15.
The more differences we find between us, the more we learn and love about each other.
We should start a club….
Laura and I have a lot of differences, and yet we do have certain things in common. While we aren’t currently alike religiously, I am familiar with most of her religious traits, because I used to be of similar faith. And while she’s changed politically, we still have some things in common, and she used to be more like I am now. For all that I groan over some of her music and she over some of mine, we have more songs we like in common than songs only one of us likes.
It goes on like that: in some ways we seem not to be even the same species (hell, the same phylum at times), in others we could be almost siblings. I’m glad we’re NOT siblings for what should be obvious reasons.