Is exhibitionism an all-or-nothing proposition? The thought of having sex in a public or easily discovered place, being caught or otherwise exposed, is an active turnoff. That’s partly due to an intense fear of public humiliation, but there’s also a consent issue: if I’m doing it in a public park, and someone uninvolved interrupts the scenario, that person did not consent to becoming part of my sex life. Shocking, embarrassing, or upsetting people is not my thing. However, the thought of fucking for an audience of willing watchers, who are getting off on the sight of me is massively arousing. So, do exhibitionists necessarily have to enjoy both aspects?
When I was preparing to get liposuction in the autumn of 2004, I of course returned to the surgeon who had done such a stellar job on my tits. His office manager brought me to the exam room and gave me the obligatory gown, but when the doc came in I asked, “What is this thing actually for?” He replied, “It’s for modesty. Why, don’t you have any?” He was of course half-joking, and I explained that since he had already seen my top half nude many times and was about to see my bottom half nude, the whole gown thing seemed a pointless exercise in prudery. But really, the short answer to his question would have been “no”; I’ve never been afraid of nudity, at least not in the conventional sense. As I’ve explained before, I was dreadfully self-conscious about body hair and flat-chestedness, but those are concerns of not being attractive enough; modesty is in a sense the opposite, the concern that one is the subject of too much sexual attention. And for me there was no such animal, short of actual violation (but my first experience of that wasn’t until years after my personality was pretty much set in stone). I’ve always enjoyed dressing sexily, have never had any problem getting nude in front of others, and my chief concern with stripping was whether I was really a good enough dancer to make any money at it. I had my first three-way at 17, and my first sex in front of a spectator not long after that; I’ve never had any hesitation about having sex in front of others, as long as the door was locked.
Because as it turns out, I’m exactly the same as you on this subject. Being watched by willing spectators in private is a huge turn-on, but being concerned about arrest or other associated dangers of public sex is a gigantic turn-off. In one of my very earliest column, “Aversions”, I wrote:
I know most guys and even a lot of women think [sex in weird places] is very sexy, but as far as I am concerned a bed is more than adequate as a venue for sexual relations. Sand, dirt, dry leaves, insects, spiders or other, less identifiable debris in my genitalia are NOT my idea of a smashing good time, nor is being arrested for indecent exposure, nor having my head banged repeatedly against concrete, nor being crammed into some weird, cramped, smelly, unsanitary or all of the above position.
Though I was quite promiscuous as a teenager, I never once had sex in a car, and the one time I let myself be talked into sex in Audubon Park was such a traumatic experience I still remember it as though it were last week (though it was almost 30 years ago). I would consider being turned on by the possibility of discovery to be a separate thing from pure exhibitionism, and even though the two are popularly associated I don’t think they really hail from the same region of the psychosexual landscape.
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This might fall into the realm of things that are better in fantasy than in reality. My only experience with a threesome took place on a New York apartment building roof under the water tank (!!). It was unseasonably cold and I was freezing, and the asphalt tore up my hands and knees, and the water tank made scary loud noises every time someone in the building flushed. It was so mortifying and uncomfortable that I wanted to get it over with just so I could get my clothes back on. 🙁
But that dreadful memory doesn’t stop me from reading ménage erotica all the time and getting turned on by it.
(“Déjeuner sur l’Herbe”! One of my very favorite paintings.)
For those who enjoy sex in public places it is often the risk itself that provides the excitement and arousal.
I would say that such desires stem from the same roots as the enjoyment people get from bungee jumping or even gambling.
While I think prudery is damaging and harmful, in a nation where someone can get put on the sex offender registry for public urination, being VERY careful where you have sex or willingly expose yourself to others only makes sense.
This pings off of one of my minor peeves; the mantra (mostly used by Gays, but I’ve run into it from others) “My sex life is none of your business”.
Fine. I agree. But please help KEEP it none of my business. Don’t make it impossible for me to fail to imagine it. I don’t care if you want to hold hands with or kiss your lover. Wearing kinky gear in public is asking me to imagine what you do in it at home. It is full of charged symbolism, or you wouldn’t be turned on by it, would you?
I’m overweight, over 50, have bad teeth, and am generally homely. YOU don’t want to imagine ME. Well, unless you fit a fairly narrow criteria, I don’t want to imagine you. And if you do fit that criteria, you don’t want to know what my fantasies are; at one end of the range, they’re fairly creepy.
I don’t want people to dress ‘modestly’; to hell with that noise. I just don’t want to be privy to a lot of details of their fantasy lives.
There is a curious English pastime called “dogging”; open-air voyeurism and participation. There is even a “world championship”. Shudders.
I believe it’s called that because it involves telling your wife that you are just going to take the dog for a walk.
I’ve never had any issues with getting naked in front of others. But then, I’ve done it routinely. If you want to count a camera, and a camera crew then I’ve had sex in front of others. People have watched me have sex, and I do rather enjoy that idea. Does that make me an exhibitionist?
But as for sex in the park? I’ve never done it, never felt tempted to.
I’m all for people enjoying sex any way they choose, as long as all involved are freely consenting. But that’s the problem with public sex isn’t it? People might be exposed to it who aren’t freely consenting. We can call them prudes, but then, who are we to criticize what they like, sexually?
I’d love to see a world where we have less sexual issues, where sex and nudity are just a healthy part of life, where even the over 50, overweight, bad teeth and homley have satisfying sex lives.
I’ve also never had problems being nude in front of others since I was a stage performer from such an early age, I never had the opportunity to be taught such shame. Also, my parents, though they were not nudists in the slightest, never taught me that the human body is disgusting or shameful.
I have had oral sex in a limo and I’d likely do that again. But that’s about as public as I’m likely to get. And to echo most sentiments here and by the OP, there’s a consent issue and especially, as Schofield pointed out, I can’t ask others to stay out of my sex life if I’m constantly thrusting it in their face. I’m private by nature. Also, yes, the dirt and bugs and eww. Yay for humanity inventing freestanding shelters!
we’ve done it standing in a tree with our horses watching, but spontaneity is probably different than the drive to be caught or seen.
Aphrodite gets a golden apple and Paris gets the girl. It’s a beauty contest and everybody knows it.
In my experience very few Beautiful People stride the landscape like colossi and shake the foundations of the earth. The is the provenance of men and women with intelligence and drive, and many of them were peculiar looking at best.
Beauty Contests are for the second raters.
who are you calling a second rater… Hera, Athena or Aphrodite?
My reading of several mythologies is that MOST patristic deities are distinctly second rate; arrogant, jealous, violent, dishonest, etc.
One especially wants to keep clear of Wontan. Dear Gods, what a stupid, untrustworthy wanker!
for patristic please read pantheistic. Don’t know how that happened.
The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything – Fred 🙂
Pantheism is the position that ‘God’ is the same thing as ‘The Universe’, or ‘All that is’. I’m sure that’s not what you meant.
Most deities of any kind are. That’s because people create their gods in their own image. Funny how god tend to commit exactly the sins they forbid their worshippers: Zeus was a patricide, Jehovah a mass murderer.
(Come to think of it, Jehovah never forbade mass murder, so I’ll have to think of a better example).
This one speaks to me …
The escort I dated for two years liked sex in risque places. Some of the places we had sex (not all of them) …
– In a pineapple field on Oahu (we were covered in red dirt after and ate $2,000 worth of pineapples – well, it was 2 pineapples and the fine for each was $1,000 had we been caught – okay truthfully we ate only one and took one home with us).
– Sacred Falls (located near Hauula, on Oahu)
– Waikiki Beach (at night) – within sight of the police station and the surfboard racks at Kuhio – the Duke Kahanamoku statue is there now – wasn’t when we did it there).
– In the elevator of our apartment building (the first time, she was getting dressed for us to go out on a date and said “I have a surprise for you tonight!” I completely forgot about it but when we returned from our date and got in the elevator – she shoved my hand in her crotch and and … surprise! She had cut out the crotch in her panty hose!. That was particularly hot because I wasn’t expecting it. In fact – it through me into an uncontrollable state of lust.)
– At a surf spot called “cliffs” on the western side of Point Loma, San Diego (she came out to meet my boat when we pulled in there). She was wearing a black bikini and we were sitting on some rocks on the cliff and she pulled her bikini to the side and sat in my lap. There were a lot of spectators for this one – but they were about 40 yards away but knew exactly what we were doing).
– In the mens’s bathroom of Moose Mcgillycuddy’s on Lewer’s Street in Waikiki. I was a bouncer there and we were with a small group of people – it was a “dare”. Moose’s was wild back then – all the bouncers knew what was happening – I told them before I even went in – bartenders didn’t give a shit either – they thought it was cool.
She used to say … “You’ll remember it for life.” She was right – how many of us really remember the details of every sexual experience we’ve ever had? Yet I have VIVID memories to this day of each and every one of those encounters. I wouldn’t trade those naughty memories for any amount of money.
We never wanted to get arrested – and we took great care to make sure no kids were around. We both were pretty hot and we could have filmed porn with our bodies. Heh – if we had had the internet back then and video – we WOULD have. So I don’t think we grossed anyone out.
As a Canadian I am very worried about this decision. The status quo was ok, prostitution was legal and the restrictions in place were not really enforced, at least here in Vancouver,and the government did not want to get involved in the issue. Now parliament might impose a Swedish style law to criminalize prostitution which the court will approve as it “protects” women.
As a teenager I did a bit of making out in fields, behind the grocery store, etc. because my bedroom at home wasn’t an option, and neither was hers. In my twenties there was a bit of that, because the mood would hit us and, if we were fairly hidden, we’d kiss and grope a bit, but go back to her place or mine for actual sex.
In my thirties, a certain woman and I decided that, since neither of us had ever done the sex-in-a-car thing when we were teens, we should do that now. And if she’d been driving a 1958 Continental Mark III it would’ve worked, too, but since we were actually in a 1994 Saturn SL, it just wasn’t happening.
In none of these cases did I want to get caught, and I don’t think she did either. The idea of joining the Mile-High Club still appeals to me, and the idea of a willing audience is hot, though I’d have to see what I think of it IRL.