A song, a song, high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea. – Noël Regney
My friend Terry majored in music and also adored comedy, so it should come as no surprise that he was very good at inventing song parodies on the fly. And though we had always spent a lot of time together, that was especially true in the latter half of 1986; I lacked both a boyfriend and a car at the time, and since Terry was only too happy to ferry me about we saw even more of one another than usual. One night just before Christmas of that year, he was driving me down to the National supermarket at the corner of Robert E. Lee and West End Boulevard (where I bought most of my groceries in those days) and we got into a discussion of Christmas songs we liked and hated. As I’ve mentioned before, I strongly dislike sappy and overly-sentimental songs, and the one Christmas song I despise above all others is both: “Do You Hear What I Hear”, written during the Cuban Missile Crisis by Noël Regney and Gloria Shayne Baker; in addition to its other loathsome qualities, I hate the patent absurdity of the way the bearers of the message escalate in authority over the course of the song. Well, by the time we got to the store Terry was starting to improvise a parody, and as I shopped we continued working on it; by the time we got back to my place it was mostly done, and he wrote it down on a piece of scratch paper that I have treasured for 27 years.
I don’t know why I remember that night so clearly; we spent many pleasant times together that are now, alas, lost to time and the fragility of human memory. Perhaps it’s because I think of that song every year, and sing it at least a few times every Yuletide season. This year, I’d like to share it with y’all, not merely because it’s something I had a hand in writing (I suspect observant readers may be able to guess which lines came out of my head), but also because it ridicules several things that I’m still mocking a quarter-century later, including the way rumors become increasingly distorted with repetition and the way people adore “authorities” no matter how horribly they behave.
Do You Hear What I Hear? (music by GS Baker, lyrics by Terry F. & Maggie M.)
Said the north star to the winter wind,
“Let’s fuck with this kid’s head.
Tell him a story that’s bizarre;
Let’s pretend we’re Godhead.
Tell him I’m an omen or something
And then he’ll run to the king;
He will certainly run to the king.”
Said the winter wind to the shepherd boy,
“Listen to what I say!
Leave the sheep alone for awhile,
And listen to what I say!
A star, a star, the third one from the right –
It will bring us goodness and light,
It will bring us goodness and light!”
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king,
“The wind told me to come here!”
(Of course we know this isn’t true;
It gets much worse, I fear.)
“A star, a star, the third one to the right –
It will bring us goats every night,
It will bring us goats every night!”
Said the king to the men in the white coats,
“Take this nut case away!
He’s been spending too much time with sheep and goats –
Put him in a white room
With padded walls, guards out in the halls
In the deepest part of the loony bin,
Where he cannot talk to the wind.”
Said the king to the people everywhere,
“Listen not to blockheads
Who go about talking to the wind,
And sleep with sheep in their beds!
Stars have no right, bringing goats by night
To weird little kids in the field,
To weird little sheep in the field.”
Said the people to the sheep everywhere,
“Come and lie in our beds!
Wooly white sheep everywhere,
The king said lie in our beds!”
The wind said “Star, this has gone too far –
Let’s do it again next year!”
“Yes,” said Star, “Let’s do it next year.”
Merry Christmas, dear readers, and if the wind tells you anything tonight it would probably be better if you didn’t repeat it to any kings or agents thereof.
I’ve never understood why we get bombarded with “Christmas music” at this time of year, when previous generations left us so much fantastic choral music in the form of carols.
Why do we so rarely hear musical glories like “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” or “Adeste Fideles (O Come All Ye Faithful)”?
You don’t have to believe in the truth of those songs to love the music.
I’ve never understood why we get bombarded with “Christmas music” at this time of year, when previous generations left us so much fantastic choral music in the form of carols.
Isn’t it obvious? “Do You Hear What I Hear?” was written more than half a century ago, and radio stations are still paying royalties to the composers. There were a lot of good hummable tunes that got airplay that same year which are forgotten. My least favorite is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time.”
Still, I like listening to Christmas music, and if nobody tried to write anything new we wouldn’t get this classic, which unfortunately does not get any airplay in the Washington, D.C. area:
James Joyce didn’t have much time for organised religion; but he spent every Holy week in a church listening to the music. And perhaps enjoying the architecture as well.
I hear these songs every year. This is the Internet Age; you don’t have to wait for some DJ on FM to play what you want to hear.
“Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Schlock,
Cheap plastic crap in tinselly wrap…”
“Jack Frost Roasting on an open fire,
Chestnuts nipping at your nose….”
I DO like ELPs “I believe in Father Christmas”, with its message of “Want a Merry Christmas? Get off your rear and work for it!”
Darn it Maggie! I’ve never cared for Christmas music. Even the local radio station that usually plays old rock&roll is playing it now. Even worse is that now that you’ve mentioned “Do you hear what I hear” the tune keeps going through my head! January 1st, hurry up and get here!
If I start hearing things on Christmas Eve? I’m far more like to react like Louis Armstrong:
Merry Christmas to all!
Loved it, but this is still my fave.
I stopped listening to Christmas music long ago because I found it to be nauseating and redundant. (With one exception.) If you want some great music, try Flamicogyre by Transwave, Over Mode by Infected Mushroom, Olympia by Penta, The Perfect High by The Qemists, Lithium Vandale, Eddie Kilfeather, The Robots by Kraftwerk, Rydeen by Yellow Magic Orchestra, Heather Houlding (http://hhoulding.newgrounds.com/audio), Santa Claus is Dead (original musician unknown), Spor, La La Li by Orca, Angerfist, Clear by Juan Atkins, DJ Harlock (http://cross666.newgrounds.com/audio), and Inane by KMFDM just to name a few.
That’s a list it’s going to take me a while to get through, but I recognize just enough of them to convince that it’ll be worth the journey.
I liked most of what I heard in that list of yours. Thanks.
Before you carve up the Cthurkey, Maggie, you might be interested in this version of your least favorite Christmas carol:
OK that was pretty clever.
Maggie,
After seeing your commentary on cato.org and enjoying it very much, I’ve been working my way through your blog from start to finish for a couple months and finally came across this. For the most part I’m still refraining from joining in the commentary until I work my way to April 2014, but I thought given the subject of this day’s blog you and your readers might find this entertaining:
http://mcstories.com/ByTheGarters/ByTheGarters.html
A bit slow starting, but actually quite good. More amusing than lust-inducing, but that’s a good thing too. There is one little bit of injustice which bothers me, but it seems they were doomed from first keystroke. The author didn’t like him.
I’m a huge fan of The Fairytale of New York by Kirsty McColl and the Pogues.
“Merry Christmas, you bastard, I hope it’s your last!” Ah, Love. 😎😚❤