I think married men should be off limits for prostitutes. Why don’t you care about other women?
How do you propose whores determine a man’s marital status, demand he produce his certificate of bachelorhood? You do realize a married man looks exactly like an unmarried one, don’t you? Frankly, it’s not our responsibility to determine which men are married, just like it isn’t a bartender’s job to guess which of his customers may belong to a religion that forbids drinking. If a man wants to have extracurricular sex he’s going to, and there’s nothing his wife or any whore within driving range can do to stop that; even if we had some sort of professional code against providing services to married men, they’d simply lie and say they weren’t married. However, it would be really stupid for us to make such a code, even if it could somehow be enforced; for one thing, married men make up easily 75% of our clients, and for another you wouldn’t actually WANT us to stop seeing them, even though you believe that you do. As I wrote almost five years ago in “Harm Reduction“,
…at least two-thirds of married men will at least occasionally seek extramarital sex. No woman has any way of knowing whether the man she chooses will be a member of the minority who is able to resist temptation, so if she defines a “successful marriage” as one in which her husband never strays she is playing Russian Roulette with at least four bullets. But if she defines it as one in which her husband’s probable infidelities cause no overt damage, difficulty or social consequences, all she need do is keep him from getting involved with amateurs…whores allow men to cheat in a managed fashion and thereby minimize harm to their wives and children. Far from being a “social evil” as it usually referred to in the United States, prostitution is a positive good because it provides a controlled outlet for male sexual impulses which might otherwise cause tremendous problems, including (but by no means limited to) rape and broken marriages. While it’s true that for a wife to discover her husband has been patronizing whores might damage their marriage, would an affair or constant pressure for unwanted sex do any less?…
Insecure women may refer to sex workers as “homewreckers”, but in fact we save far more marriages than we destroy because we allow men to manage the sexual impulses their wives either can’t or won’t cater to, and which they would otherwise follow into affairs which might indeed wreck the home. Finally, married men are the safest of clients; they have good boundaries and aren’t likely to get obsessed, fall in love or turn into stalkers. They come to us precisely because they want to stay married, so they choose to dally with women who are absolutely not going to jeopardize their marriages by getting involved with them.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
You are overlooking the advantage and satisfaction many wives get from holding their husbands sexually as well as legally hostage. Of course this kind of person will always play the victim as well
They wreck their own marriages.
Please stop saying you are saving marriages by sleeping with other people’s husbands. You are not doing anyone any favors. You say how can you tell if they are married , next breathe you say 75% of your johns are married ! Which is it? It is never ok to sleep with someone else’s man, never. Bad luck if it is 80% of your income, get another job, work hard and earn decent money. No matter how broke I was I would not sell my body to strangers , married strangers! You have no right to touch married men , just because you do it behind brother walls does not make it ok. You do destroy marriages . You do not save them! You are just too cheap and too convenient for weak men. If you weren’t so ready available men would go home to thier wives. Why do you think you are so much more desirable than wives . I guarantee if I was to go into your line of work (which I would never do – too much self respect for myself and the wives) I would attract more johns than you. Wives are not sexless , stop insinuating they are! Wives our precious, marriage is precious. Handy whores destroy this, get an honest income. You talk like you are a saving grace! Delusional . You are home wreckers
Readers: This comment is from the woman who asked the question. I’m letting this one through so you can see I wasn’t making up the clueless, entitled tone.
If men would stop marrying these types of women and up front announce that they will not practice monogamy under any circumstances the world would be a so much better place. Women with this mentality need to be given NO marriage prospects.
Oh dear Lord, Amanda, get a grip! I was going to write a full response, but unpacking this comment would take too much time. Suffice it to say that HIS family is not the sex worker’s responsibility and you are putting lots of words into Maggie’s mouth and distorting her viewpoint, which is just plain rude. Your thinking is irrational and contradictory and needlessly hostile. How do you keep your head from exploding from cognitive dissonance?
And if you really “cared about women,” you’d put the responsibility (not “blame,” just “responsibility”) right where in belongs: on the man. These are grown adults making conscious decisions. They can partake or refrain as is their wont.
I had to congratulate you Miss Margo on your reply. Perfect! Of course if blame is to be given it has to be with the person that instigated the situation. Escorts (who are now the majority in this field) do not make first contact. It is the man/husband who makes the call and decides to have sex away from home. The sex worker does not have to lead him away, he is coming because he has already decided that is what he wants to do and if there were no sex workers, he would go to a bar, see someone at work or maybe even his wife’s best friend, because he is fulfilling a need.
It’s no good saying that we are the cause of infidelity and marriage break ups. I can guarantee you that without us there would still be infidelity, but where they can walk away and forget us, it is much harder to do that in the real world with people that do it for free, as they have invested interest and hearts will still get broken, possibly more and possibly more unwanted pregnancies, as I have noticed that regular people seem to have a problem putting a hat on it. What is that all about? Yet sex workers are the ones that are associated with STI’s? We live in a topsy turvy world that makes no sense. Maybe one day people will think logically and not morally, but seems not yet.
Ball up a fist and walk around hitting yourself in the back of the head. This is the male sex drive. It is a constant reminder to any male of the the last time they had sex. You get about a 48 hour reprieve once you have sex, and then it starts over again (depending on the person). In other words, men are sluts. No woman you can name is more of a slut than the average male, and I include myself in that assessment. Testosterone is a helluva hormone, and it doesn’t stop until you’re dead. Problem is, that drive has to have an outlet; I can go to a hotel when I’m tired, eat at a diner when I’m hungry, yet having sex with a professional is wrong? Somehow paying for services that satisfy basic needs magically turns wrong when it comes to sex. Personally, I like to be up front about m\y proclivities, and since I date transwomen, they are more understanding than most gg’s (genetic girls); they too have felt the power of hormones.
If you are going to date a man, he’s going to be a man. Expect beer, poker, football, and sex. If you want a guy that doesn’t push sex, is a great communicator and listens to your hopes and fears, you want a chick.
I hugely appreciate your ideas, so I hope you will not take what I’m saying as a major criticism, but more of a question, and an attempt at a common sense analysis.
When you say,
“prostitution is a positive good because it provides a controlled outlet for male sexual impulses which might otherwise cause tremendous problems, including (but by no means limited to) rape and broken marriages.”
I am concerned that it stereotypes most men as having poor impulse control and promotes the Dworkinest idea that most men are rapists, or would be if left to their own devices. I see evidence every day of rape culture in the US, not to mention horrific rape culture elsewhere in the world. But I also see many men who respect people in general, including women. Particularly among clients of high end sex workers, like yourself, I think men strive to be good clients. I think when they aren’t getting enough sex from their partners, they are far more likely to masturbate than to rape or get a divorce.
I think many if not most of male clients who are not honest with their partners about seeing sex workers are conflicted about their dishonesty. I suspect many of them don’t think it possible to talk to their partners about their desires. A sex worker is a safe person to talk to, and someone who won’t immediately judge or invalidate their desires. I think this is a major reason men see sex workers. Having and orgasm is frosting on the cake. (And I know there are other reasons, too, but no time to list them here.)
i’m a bit hesitant to reply off the cuff to say that studies show that there’s a correlation between violence, including sexual violence, and sexual repression, without supplying a link to back up this statement, but do your own research. and think about it. sex accomplishes a great deal more than mere procreation for a society, in terms of promoting happiness, bonding and good will, when it’s unrestricted. or read about the 2 different species of chimps. bonobos are noted for being very promiscuous and peaceful, while their larger cousins are noted for having much less sex and being much more violent.
in summary, the so-called radical feminists and their socially ‘conservative’ allies have it completely backwards. suppressing things like porn and prostitution in fact promote a culture of rape, of frustrated unhappy males who are more susceptible to violence of all sorts.
I am a staunch supporter of decriminalization, and have seen the results of women who refuse sex with their husband and then dump on them for so much as looking at another woman. That said, I don’t think there is any evidence that sexually frustrated men commit violence. (Although cheating might be considered emotional violence.) My hypothesis is that most violence is committed by psychopaths or severely emotionally damaged people. They might make up a small fraction of all psychopaths, and a really tiny fraction of all frustrated men.
Frustrated men do a variety of coping behaviors which are not violent. Many of them just give up. They have a largely platonic relationship with their wives who are otherwise their best friends. They use porn, maybe go to strip clubs, or peep shows which they rationalize is not cheating. They complain to their male friends about not getting enough as misery likes company. They drink. They cheat, sometimes as one night hookups, sometimes with long terms lovers. If they have the money they visit sex workers, and if they have a lot of money, they keep a mistress. They get divorced and many make the same mistakes all over again.
BUT PLEASE, WITHOUT EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, KEEP SAYING THAT FRUSTRATED MEN TURN TO VIOLENCE.
Oh, darn! I meant to say Please STOP saying that frustrated men turn to violence.
i didn’t say that at all, u misinterpreted me. i’m saying that social sexual repression correlates with increased violence and rape, which is to say that some (still a minority!) men will rape or commit other forms of violence (like an eagerness for warfare) when they’re thus frustrated. and what one thinks in regards to any particular matter has nothing to do with the facts, necessarily. and, most unfortunately, the facts often have nothing to do with what humans think re. any particular matter. ‘conservatives’, especially, are notorious for this. dogmatic minds are closed minds!
The old joke is that whores would be out of business if wives would just blow their husbands occasionally.
On a more serious note, this person is pleading solidarity and sisterhood when it is precisely she and people like her who are the working girl’s most implacable foe.
Why does she assume a woman should have solidarity for other women over their husband? Your marriage is between you and your husband. Others are not required to enforce whatever rule you agreed on.
Were I a sex worker, I would have a special bargain for wives. For a fee of 50,000$/year I would promise not to touch your husband.
This also ignores the fact that not all women, wives included, expect monogamy. I don’t really need someone else’s ideas about sexual and relationship morals determining anything about my life. Personally I’d have more of an issue with my husband seeing a whore right now because of financial reasons – and that because I take care of the majority of our budgeting and am aggressively paying down our final debt. I’d rather he spent our discretionary income enjoying a whore than paying interest to the bank on a dinner we ate five years ago.
This is so true, if my wife ever knew, the big fight wouldn’t be about me having sex with a prostitute but over the misappropriation of our resources. She would demand a payoff several time the amount I paid for a little adult entertainment on the side! And I wouldn’t be the first guy taking the little lady down to the jewelry store to let her pick out a make up gift.
maggie, for a while a couple of years ago i was a fairly avid reader of this blog, thanks mainly to your powerful rational writing on a subject i’ve long been in agreement with. having just checked in again, i’m very pleased to see u’re still at it and doing well!
‘ If you want a guy that doesn’t push sex, is a great communicator and listens to your hopes and fears, you want a chick.’ -wanfuforever
i liked your whole comment. the quote above makes me smile. i too am a guy, an older guy, old enough to have lost a good deal of youthful vigor. while generally true, of course there’s always exceptions to stereotypes. as we age, i think both genders become more alike, which may be one reason some women prefer older men, up to a point.
an interesting book published a few years ago, Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships ,makes a solid scientific case that our species is naturally a great deal more promiscuous than dogmatic public ‘morality’ will accept. i recommend it.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442532660&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+at+dawn
“I think married men should be off limits for prostitutes.”
I hope many men see this and decide never to marry. Why would a man want to surrender his sexual freedom when instead he can see sex workers and/or date?
Thanks, Maggie, for raising this issue. I share Maggie’s views on married men as clients 100%. Not only is she right, but she is so beautifully articulate about it!
I am a happily married man, and my wife is a happily married woman – ask her if you don’t believe me. We have been married for 33 years, we raised two wonderful boys to competent adulthood, we have lived on three continents, with have coped with the stresses that a complicated life will cause. And yes, I have sex with professionals occasionally, I even had a brief (and not particularly rewarding) affair once. None of this is a secret for my wife, I don’t hide my activities from her, let alone lie to her (what a horrible idea, lie to your life partner!) She does not mind such activities, she says she married an interesting, adventurous man, she would be surprised if I didn’t engage in such activities (finances and time permitting).
There are plenty of people who would be horrified at our attitude to sexual fidelity, so we don’t share my stories with all and sundry.
I try to imagine why people confuse marriage with imprisoning their partner in their own imaginary world of constant exclusive “love”. Just because I like my wife’s cooking and I like going out with her to activities that both of us enjoy, what’s wrong with eating someone else’s food occasionally, or engage in something on our own (or with someone other than our spouse)? Sex is just one of many things married people do together, why should it be considered on a different level? It certainly wasn’t considered as such in former, “highly moral” times: married people (men more than women) routinely had sex outside marriage, just read your history.
When someone says that if prostitutes did not sleep with married men, those married men would go home to their wives, I cringe with horror. Is sex the only thing that holds him there – if he could get it elsewhere, he might as well leave?
If the problem is that some people expect their spouses to spend more time with them than the other wants to spend, I sympathize. People are different, their expectations are different – it pays to talk such things over before tying the knot. But OK, it’s hard to know what marriage will feel like 20 years or more I the future. Still, if your spouse does not “come home to you” as often as you’d like, you may wish to ask yourself whether you are as pleasant a person to come home to as you imagine yourself to be.
great comment. agree 100% with all. sheeple are well trained to have dogmatic and restrictive ideas about what they can and can’t do. so sad. such a shame. it ruins communication, poisons relationships and psyches/’souls’. how very lucky u are to have such a life and such a wife.
I am clearly a few years late to this conversation, but I think the real problem is that seemingly most men are not honest about wanting to see sex-workers. I think if a man is married and gets bored, wants to try something different (but not an all out affair), he just just tell the wife so SHE has a choice and there is no betrayal. Wives don’t get enough credit, because I know plenty of women who have higher sex drives than their significant others. Sometimes the husbands can’t keep up with them.
Also, why should men who have taken vows to be honest, decide one day that they get to manipulate you, lie to you, have fun with someone else- and on top of that- expect you to stay loyal to them. This is what I personally think is messed up.
I’d like to think my husband knows I’m open minded enough to accept pretty much anything, but you never know. I wouldn’t care as long as he didn’t lie to me and I would be allowed to have a special friend if I chose to do so.
These days, with so many women on dating sites who happily meet up with married men free of charge, I’m surprised escorts are still able to make a good living.
What an interesting time it is in the world.
I think prostitution should be legal for men who are honest and up front with their partners (especially if they have a wife who has supported them financially for years and on top of that still has a ramped up sex drive).
I also think the reverse is true for wives that want to sleep with someone else. Just talk about it and figure out the best thing for you both. But lies, deception and betrayal is good for no one, only the escorts are profiting and I think that is why some women feel upset and want to blame you. They can’t get the truth from their husbands and they are hurting, and their husband is off with some hot escort and the escort is getting the money. Is it so hard to understand why this might make someone feel not only destroyed, but humiliated also- that no matter what she does she will never be enough…
There are a lot of sides to this, I personally think everyone should just have open marriages so they don’t feel the need to lie and keep secrets. And if you both know you always have other options, maybe people would stay happier longer. Just a thought.
good comment.made me think of a few things.
first, i think the happiest long term married couple i ever knew were in an open relationship for 15 years. the marriage was 30 years old. the first 15 years was monogamous. being very open and open minded with good communication, they mutually agreed to open the marriage, and like i said, 15 years later, they remained very happily married even as they both had other lovers. they were into something called polyamory. google, if curious.
the 2nd thing i thought of was a book (link below) i read about a decade ago titled sex at dawn. nonfiction, kind of nerdy but interesting, science oriented, it made the case that humans are NOT by nature monogamous. that’s a cultural thing, associated i think originally with the development of the view of spouses (wives mainly) as property (part of one of christianity’s ’10 commandments’ being ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’, for example).
finally, thanks for your comment. it’s been a while since i’ve visited this blog. i’d almost forgotten about it. thanx for the reminder!
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532662940&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+at+dawn&dpID=51mkfPFqCQL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch