My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years and I want to marry her, but I can’t shake off suspicions that she may be a call girl. She claims not to be one, but there are just too many odd coincidences. Do you know of any non-invasive ways to find out whether she is one or not? Signs I should look out for? I hate having this fear and I’m definitely not the type of guy who would want to “rescue” her from her situation. I would much rather step out of the way if need be…but I’m actually afraid my life may be in danger…My anxiety is so bad it’s interfering with my ability to work. Have you heard of any situations where call girls were used to distract men that were some kind of socio-political target?
If you’ve read a lot of my advice columns, you know that I don’t usually give unequivocal recommendations, but I’m going to make an exception in this case. You say that you’d rather step out of the way if need be; I would say you do indeed need to do just that. For whatever reason, you have absolutely no trust in your girlfriend, and if you feel this way after knowing her for five years I’m afraid you will never be able to build the trust that’s absolutely vital to making a marriage work. Your anxiety has reached a level that, frankly, seems clinically paranoid to me; I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know what kind of work you do that would make you a “target”, but if you don’t feel safe in a sexual relationship for any reason it is time to end it for both of your good. If you’re wrong, your concerns about her have no cause and would therefore almost certainly haunt you from now on, no matter what she does; if you’re right, she’s been lying to you for five years and that’s no basis to build a marriage on. Either way, this relationship is not going to work, and the sooner you both move on to partners in whom you can have more trust, the better for all involved.
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Ouch. Worrying that your girlfriend of five years might be a secret call girl who is setting you up as a socio-political target. That sounds like a place I definitely don’t want to visit.
I’m not sure how long the writer has been feeling like this but I’d guess if a marriage is even on the cards it can’t have been too long. I agree with Maggie that you shouldn’t go through with it if you have such feelings but without knowing a lot more about the situation I’d hate to make a call about the relationship.
If I was feeling the way you did when you wrote the letter I’d be avoiding as many decisions with long term consequences as possible and trying to find someone I could trust to talk things through with face-to-face. It sounds like you don’t trust your girlfriend so I’d be looking for someone else to talk to. It’s probably best not to confront her or search for evidence about your suspicions – or even to think about it if you can help it – until you’d worked through it with someone you trust and can examine it from different perspectives.
If I really couldn’t set such suspicions about someone aside I would definitely avoid being alone with them for any reason until I could. If my suspicions remained constant or recurring for more than a few weeks I’d break things off – at least until I’d managed to resolve my feelings one way or the other.
I completely agree on Maggie’s advice. I also do not think that any “test” would help (if there was one). This situation has no future.
Regardless of whether your position actually would expose you to such an attack (these have happened in history, but are rare due to high cost and effort, and skill needed and hence most potential targets are not worth it), you have a serious mental health issue with the fear and really should seek help.
That you think your “life may be in danger” is a red flag, as that is not what would be part of it: You do not invest years and years into a target only to kill it. That makes for entertaining movies, but very, very bad spy-craft. And you do not need to kill the target at all to terminate the situation, just have her leave you. Easy, clean, secure, cheap and does not raise questions. People change their mind about who to be with all the time and for all sorts of reasons.
And lastly, no professional agent used in this way would continue to actually work as a call-girl or leave any other hints out for you to find. That does not make sense at all.
I think you may be in the process of slowly losing rationality due to entirely different problems and that this situation may be getting worse. So, really, get help.
This letter seems almost too far fetched to be true. If it is true there are some serious mental health issued that need to be addressed.
Indeed. What intrigues me is his claim that his life is in danger. From who? A disgruntled customer? An overzealous customer with delusions of their own? The government, even?
There does not actually seem to be a rational cause for that fear.
I have to say the though of somebody faking this in order to see what the reactions are has crossed my mind. But people can go very deep into delusion and paranoia, especially when they have some mental problem they are not aware of. Most people do not base their view of the world on facts and hence may not even notice how far they are gone as things just feel “normal” to them and all the wired changes seem to be external. (People with a mostly factual/scientific world view usually notice themselves when they develop mental problems and do not require the advice to get help.)
My take is that this may very well be genuine.
Really Celos?
What evidence do you have for that?
Nothing that would convince you, because you are not into facts. So I am not going to bother.
You would have been more honest if you’d stopped at one word.
Seriously, Celos. Your comment was just yet another verse of your neverending song “Celos is smart and scientific, others are irrational idiots”.
If you’re so factually/scientifically aware of your own mental state why are you so oblivious of your obsessive delusion?
I cant help but just wonder about this one. I sometimes worry as any provider does about the gentlemen we see and how careful they are, but that is for good reason. The writer didnt post the reason, but I would love to know what happened to make him think this.
Ignorance is bliss.
A guy has been going with his girl for 5 years and he is still not sure if she is a whore or not! Yes, Mr Magoo should not marry this girl, as a matter of fact, he should stay away from all females.
Seems unlikely to me, especially since he’s been considering marrying her.
That’s why I think the fears he’s expressed in his letter are probably quite recent and likely to be transient. The important thing is to not act upon those fears until they can be recontextualised with a bit of hindsight and, hopefully, the considered opinion of someone he knows and trusts (as opposed to a bunch of kibitzers on the internet who know next to nothing about the situation).
OP: either you don’t deserve her; or she doesn’t deserve you.
Strange story.
Did the questioner provide any details which might substantiate his claims?