I’ve been a hobbyist since 2007 and have been with many ladies, but a year ago I started seeing a young woman less than half my age and became utterly intoxicated with her. I see her about twice a week now, always paying more than her full posted rate; despite this she never stays longer than the time we agreed on, even though she sees other people at a lower rate. She does, however, text with me every day, though most of them are rather short. I take her shopping, bring her many presents, and loaned her a lot of money; I have also told her I love her and even proposed. She has never said she loves me, but she says she has more feelings for me than she does other clients; she gets a little angry if I push her to explain her feelings, and says she’s not in the same place I am. Last autumn I was in alcohol rehab for a while, and she was very annoyed that I did not keep in contact while I was in the facility (because I couldn’t use my cell phone there). After that I started getting very obsessed with her and have figured out her real name, where she lives and other personal information. She won’t commit to a relationship, but says anything is possible. It’s beginning to get around the local escort/client community that I’m infatuated with her, and the other providers I know tell me I’m not the only one, and that she’s known for using people. One of my hobbyist friends tells me I should stop seeing her for at least six months, and see other providers instead; I’ve tried that, but no other woman makes me feel like she does. Help!
I’m afraid I have to echo what everyone else is telling you: you need to walk away from this if at all possible. You are completely infatuated with her, and though I won’t say she’s using you because she isn’t lying to you, that doesn’t make this a healthy relationship. There’s absolutely nothing morally wrong with her refusing to overstay her time, or insisting on full rate; though I do think it’s a bit strange that she gives other people a cheaper rate than her most regular client, on the other hand she also gives you a lot of “off the clock” interaction via texting and the like. What makes it unhealthy is your level of emotional investment in something that isn’t going to go where it’s obvious you desperately want it to go.
We like to believe that we have complete free will, but the truth is that chemicals dramatically affect our thinking and emotions. People with mental illnesses caused by chemical imbalances can find their whole lives thrown into turmoil for no apparent reason, and the right medication can make them feel dramatically better. Recreational drugs can profoundly affect the way we feel or view the world, and can even lead to powerful insights or religious experiences. And given that you have suffered from alcoholism yourself, I don’t think I need to remind you of the powerful effect that chemical has on the brain. Well, the feeling of being in love is also caused by chemicals, though they’re ones which originate within the body rather than outside of it; the primary culprit is dopamine, but norepinephrine and phenylethylamine are also important, not to mention the “love hormone” oxytocin (which is released during skin-to-skin contact, including cuddling, even in situations where no sex or erotic attraction is involved). So while it’s not possible to be addicted to sex (as I have explained many times in my blog), it is indeed possible to be addicted (in a way) to the feeling of being in love. And just as the compelling need for alcohol or other drugs can cause erratic or even dangerous behavior in the addict, so can the compelling need for the “fix” provided by that potent neurochemical mixture one’s brain releases during interaction with the subject of one’s infatuation. The good news is that, as with any other addiction, the hold of love can be broken; the bad news is that I don’t know of any way to do it other than cold turkey withdrawal. I would strongly counsel you to take your friends’ advice: stop seeing your siren and try to distract yourself with other ladies and other pastimes, before you go broke and/or get yourself arrested for doing something you will regret, which I fear is a very strong possibility in this situation.
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Old son, you are fucked.
This girl likes you, but you are not on her agenda.
You are the safe and sunny rock to her serpent.
The overpaying and presents are OK as long as both you and she enjoy the giving. The loans, not so much. Keep your powder dry.
For her “loving” someone is a high-risk activity.
Her safety lies is being able to leave you and to hurt you.
If she is attracted, she will shit-test like a motherfucker.
Have standards, hold her to them.
Dude, you are seeing someone who rocks your world twice a week.
Men have gone to their graves with less.
And see other ladies. The practice is good for you, even if it hurts after.
you pay more then her rate and wonder why she doesn’t offer you discounts. The only way for you to get over her is to stop seeing her or you will only continue to bitch and moan that she doesn’t seem to be putting as much effort into this “relationship” as you are. You need to follow a couple of new rules 1)Don’t see the same girl twice in a row and 2) Pay attention to yourself and if start acting obsessive again-walk away.
You may think she is perfect for you but for her this is probably just business. You see and ATF and she just sees an ATM
Question as to professional ethics on her side: Selling the customer a fantasy to some degree is fine, many kinds of businesses do that. But knowingly selling the customer a fantasy that the customer cannot recognize as a fantasy anymore is a problem (although many kinds businesses do that do).
My personal intuition would be that she is close to that line, although which side she is on, I am unsure of. Also depends on how much she understands his situation. From personal experience in a different field my take is that after a while you understand your regular customers pretty well and so she should probably know what is going on. On the other hand, she seems to have given him some pretty clear signals, which he then chose to misinterpret or ignore.
So: Should she have broken this off by now?
Yes, I understand it is very difficult to tell a paying customer “no”. We are doing it by asking twice our normal consulting rate for a job (works well), and she might have been doing something a bit similar as by not giving a regular a better rate, but if so she did not get through to him.
Thoughts?
Borrowing money is a clear sign she thinks of him as an ATM.
Well said, Maggie. Well done. Mr. Hobbyist — listen to her!! Heed what she says!!
Dios mio. The phrase “guaranteed to end in tears” springs immediately to mind. You’re investing in the wrong ass-et.
Do you know how he “found out” her real name and info? As a provider who had to deal with a similar situation thats the scary part. 🙁
He didn’t detail, but it probably isn’t too hard with the help of the internet. Even in the old days he could’ve hired a PI & found out in a day.
Very much so. I did some research into anonymization of personal data a few years ago and it is absolutely astonishing how little you need to identify people. Add that he has repeated personal access and that privacy laws in the US are really bad and it does not take a lot of skill either.
The line between maintaining privacy in the digital age and “putting yourself out there” in order to be visible enough to receive good bookings and cash flow has always been a bit of a balancing act…and after 7 yrs the anxiety never fully goes away *sigh*
“she gets a little angry if I …”
“she was very annoyed that I …”
When you pay money for a woman’s time (and it’s her *time* that you are buying), you get her at her absolute best.
“She does, however, text with me every day, though most of them are rather short.”
That’s because she texts *all* of her regulars, and you are simply a name on the list.
The problem here isn’t that the OP thinks that the girl is special. The problem is that he thinks that *he* is special.
Indeed. Add to that that he probably has about 10% of his usual reasoning capability available to apply to the situation due to infatuation and poor impulse control (the alcohol), and this whole thing sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Although I guess that the lady in question must get no violent vibe from him at all or she would probably have run the other way by now.
Oh wow…
This client’s emotions are out of control. It’s perfectly normal–even fun and desirable!– to have a bit of a crush on your sex worker…as long as you can maintain healthy emotional boundaries and realistic expectations. Which is not what is happening here.
Clients have fallen “in love” with me in the past, and I’ve also seen it happen to my sex worker friends at the dungeon.
It NEVER ends well. People always get hurt and humiliated.
Just speaking for myself, the emotional pressure I experienced from his palpable need for a “real relationship” would invariably make me miserable during the session, and I would dread his appointments. I would also hate to know that it was hurting him. And, on his end, he would get increasingly obsessive and, invariably, the stalking behavior would ratchet up…looking up my real name, where I was going to school, asking about my family, etc. Just like the letter-writer.
I’m actually about to terminate my relationship with a client because he’s getting too attached and trying to date me “for real.” I like him and appreciate his business, but I just can’t go through that again.
I have to say, though, that the sex worker in this letter should not have asked for or accepted a personal loan from the client unless she was going through some absolutely huge life crisis and had nobody else to turn to in her life. I personally do not think that was appropriate behavior, from either one of them, but especially for her. I myself feel uncomfortable accepting anything more than tips, modest gifts, and dinner from my clients because I feel it creates an aura of expectation that is unfair to both of us, and it feels manipulative.
Finally, to the letter-writer: if she wanted to date you, SHE WOULD SAY IT. I have dated clients twice before, and both times, I told them, and the same goes for every sex worker I know who met her boyfriend as a client. If she’s still seeing you exclusively on a professional level, then that is what she is interested in.
Get out while you still can. This will only bring you pain.