Head games, always you and me, baby
Head games, ’till I can’t take it anymore, no more
Head games, instead of makin’ love, we play head games. – Lou Gramm and Mick Jones, “Head Games”
As I’ve written before on several occasions, some men simply can’t handle the truth that women are in control of the sexual sphere, so they invent myths and fantasies with which to convince themselves that it’s actually the other way around. But other men prefer a more pragmatic approach, especially when dealing with escorts: instead of just making appointments like normal men, they play head games so as to feel that they’re the ones in control of the situation.
Though I’m sure most of my escort readers already know what I’m talking about, I’m trying to come up with a good comparison for the rest of you and the best one I can think of is the games businessmen play to “psych out” their opponents. Such a man might set up his office furniture in such a way as to make him seem more important than he is, for example with a huge desk and low chairs for the visitors so they have to look up at him. Or he’ll make sure he’s on the phone when one enters his office, thus projecting that his time is more important than yours. In Japanese culture the first person to actually bring up business is at a psychological disadvantage because he’s perceived as lacking patience and therefore nervous. And so on. But when one of these high-powered men deals with an escort, he’s in exactly the same position as anybody else: he has to follow her procedures, filling out her screening form or going through the escort agency or whatever, and then waiting for her to get back to him to tell him if she’ll see him and when she can. And that has to be a humbling, even a humiliating, experience for someone who’s used to being the Big Cheese, so he responds (perhaps even unconsciously) by trying to wrest control of the interaction away from her.
The sloppiest and most transparent control technique is of course haggling; I honestly believe that at least half of all men who haggle can easily afford the girl’s price, they simply want to get her to back down from it in order to feel as though they’ve won a victory over her. I’ve heard many independents complain that men who have reviewed expensive escorts will still haggle with girls who charge half as much; this demonstrates that it’s not about the money but rather about getting the girl to accept a compromise. More subtle types will accept an escort’s price, but will try to get her to compromise one of her other rules in some way; for example, if a girl has published hours they’ll try to get an appointment just before or just after those hours, or if she refuses same-day appointments they’ll try to get one. A girl who only accepts certain forms of communication will be pushed for another form (for example, her personal phone number), and another common maneuver is “tell me your real name,” as discussed in my column of one year ago today.
The most subtle manipulators of all use tactics which may seem innocuous; the most definitive example of these is the “call me” client. This is the guy who won’t agree to an exact time for an appointment or callback; instead he insists that the girl should “come over when she’s ready” or “call whenever you want to”. A lot of these guys are nothing but time wasters who have no intention of being there when the girl drops by or of answering when she calls, but the more manipulative type merely wants to play the game of forcing the girl to keep him in mind until she calls him back; he of course won’t answer, and after that she’s unconsciously waiting for him to return the call. Men like this achieve excitement or satisfaction from making a woman jump through hoops, and the more hoops the better.
When faced with a client like this, it is vitally important that an escort not give in; once such a man has won his little victory he may be satisfied, but more often than not will only become more aggressive once he has tasted blood. And though most of these men present no physical danger, entering a call from a position of weakness makes it much more difficult to control the proceedings and the hapless escort may find herself struggling to manage the date for no reason she can adequately define. This is because he has her at a psychological disadvantage and may keep breaking little rules, pushing her to do things she doesn’t want to do, asking personal questions and otherwise testing her limits and violating her comfort zone.
Short of simply refusing to communicate with a man who tries such tricks, the only thing one can do is to steadfastly refuse to play from square one. Once I answered my agency line and a female voice asked if I could hold for Mr. So-and-So; of course I instantly recognized this as a power game we might call “My Time is More Important Than Yours.” So I replied, “No, I’m afraid I can’t hold; please ask Mr. So-and-So to call back when he’s ready to talk.” I probably don’t need to tell you that Mr. So-and-So called back within five minutes, and gave me no further problems. Had I given in I probably would’ve had to endure a series of such head games both on the phone and in the resulting date, but since I let him know in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t going to put up with that kind of crap we were able to have a mutually rewarding interaction in spite of his effort to make it into a lopsided transaction.
OH I can so relate to this. Thanks for taking the time to write it out. These type of men also push boundaries behind closed doors as well. I would love to know your thoughts on clients who try pushing for more “free time” with an escort under the guise of “can we be friends, or more” idea. It is the blurring of the lines with some of these men that becomes a big problem for some escorts. Either they lose the perspective of what the job of escorting is and think there is a closer connection with the escort than there really is. Some of these types actually turn into annoying stalkers..emphasis on annoying.
I’ve touched on this subject before; the columns of last July 20th and July 24th were related.
Very astute observations!
Thank you, Jylly! It’ll be interesting to see what my male readers have to say about it. 🙂
Male Reader here …
Yeah these guys are jerks, no doubt. But … are they the majority?
I mean – jerks are jerks. I experience these same guys in other ways in my daily life … whether they are guys who “know it all” but really don’t – or guys who are into “one upsmanship” …
I think it stems from insecurity frankly.
My normal tactic is to sell myself short – so expectations for me are always low – then I can exceed them when you meet me. 😀
That’s another type of “head game” though isn’t it? 😛
In general, it’s not possible for me to behave this way because I’ve always believed that women are superior to me and you don’t toy with their minds. Don’t get me wrong – I am a VERY Alpha Male and I’ve had excellent success at leading men and women. But in a one-on-one intimate situation with a woman – I don’t think any man is her superior. Not saying I’m “passive” either in the least – I’m not, it doesn’t suit me and most women would be turned off by it – but I know enough to know I’m not going to come out on top in the “head games” department. The real winners don’t play.
I don’t think that women should put up with the head games and it’s nice to see that you didn’t. What’s hard for me to fathom, I guess – is you even meeting one of these guys after they tried something like this … even if you did set them straight.
Which – I guess gets to another question …
Yeah I know girls in this business have to do some intimate things with some pretty unappealing guys physically …
That part – yeah I can see many girls getting past that.
But once a true JERK has been positively identified on the radar … even if he starts playing nice … well, you still know he’s a jerk. How do you get over that?
Oh, they’re definitely NOT the majority; they’re not even a very big minority. But they cause annoyance out of proportion to their number.
Some girls don’t deal with jerks at all; once a guy has self-alerted as a game player a lot of girls immediately shut him out. Others figure his money is still green, so they go into the call in the knowledge that he’ll take more effort to control. Most are somewhere in between; they’ll put up with minor arseholishness but will avoid anything that seems like it’ll be a major pain.
😀
Glad to hear they aren’t the majority! I hate hearing things that make me self-loathe my own gender! 😛
Personally – I would think most men would be like me in that situation – just GLAD you showed up and happy you didn’t leave when I opened the door!
Another male reader here.
Of course they do! And *Good For You* for not playing their games!
As you noted, we guys have to face this stuff from guys like that in our own work places too. I, for one, hate it too.
I am *glad* that you were able to chop that stuff off at the knees.
Damned Well Done!
Wow. This was enlightening. It reinforces my attitude that businessmen are very selfish people who always take as much as possible and give as little as possible. I know one businessman who isn’t like this.
It shouldn’t, but it does, stun me that these guys are so petty. Have you ever heard of The Society for Ethical Business? I don’t think such a society will ever exist.
I didn’t mean to imply that it was only businessmen who act this way; it isn’t. In fact, most working girls will tell you that independent businessmen are among our best customers. I was merely using a business executive as an example of the type my non-whore readers might be familiar with.
Sorry if I caused any confusion there. 🙂
But on the subject of businessmen in general, I definitely disagree. The only professions I can think of in which people are observably morally worse than the general population are those with political power (politicians, cops, etc); that’s partly because such professions attract unevolved types who crave power over others, and partly because power corrupts.
Yes. Power corrupts, but it also attracts those wanting to be corrupted.
Power can be used for good or evil, and positions of power attract those wanting to use it either. But evil people cheat, and cheating conveys advantages (which is why it’s cheating, duh). The evil people never seem to entirely win, but they always, always hold the good people back.
The advantage that the good people have is that they are willing to push beyond their immediate and obvious self-interest. But that’s hard, and it becomes easy to say, “well, maybe it’s OK if I cheat for the right reasons” and then it becomes easy to cheat for yourself. So even the good people can be too easily corrupted, especially when they have to see the evil people cheating day in and day out, and benefiting from it.
I started intending to only write that first sentence.
Maggie, your last comment there about businessmen once again illustrates your incredibly sharp-minded even-handedness. Given that you’re SO even-handed, it still baffles me that you’d call a customer who renegs on paying a rapist instead of a thief or fraudster; I’m thinking you’re just challenging people on that one. Nice to know we’re not all perfect. But seriously, that’s the only single point of contention I’ve been able to find with even one of your views. You’re literally the definition of libertarian. You’re the “model”, or in biology, what we’d call the “Type” – against which other samples can be compared.
And I’m glad to see this issue being covered. I’ve never paid for sex, and can’t imagine the procedure. One thing I do understand is “seduction” or “game” with non-monetary sex. What you’re describing is par for the course. These men are engaging in crude “game” – for reasons that baffle me.
One thing that’s interesting is control in sexual negotiations. I got into a weird situation with my SO; last summer, before we were serious, I cheated on her accidentally with an ex (makes no sense – oops, slipped – hehe), but it wasn’t wasn’t anything I’d have engineered; it was actually very embarrassing. She was fine with it and it all was papered over. At that point, the ex and the SO made close friends and socialized closely. Getting even weirder. And then my SO’s jealousy fetish seemed to take charge, and I found myself with both women.
This has continued on an off for months. It sounds like some sort of male fantasy – but I’ve been in situations that make this look like a walk in the local park, so it’s no big deal.
The problem is this. I’ve noticed that power plays a role here, too. Despite the apparent wonderfulness of this situation from my perspective, actually, it’s not great at all.
All sexual power has been removed from me. I don’t get to decide many items that I otherwise would; and there are expectations there otherwise wouldn’t be.
I find the situation uncomfortable and undesirable, by and large. I’d give it up if I could,but again, that situation seems to be slightly out of hand. I was looking for a bread and butter relationship after years of often unusual buffets. Instead, I’ve found myself in a very uncomfortable position.
Again, it’s about power. Power seems to dictate much in the sexual realm. For the past 7 years, I’ve been dictating – and now, in the most subtle and invisible ways, I’m under the thumbs of others.
This power dynamic appears to be rife in all human interaction, especially sex. It’s amusing for me to see that this is just as much true for prostitutes.
Humans.
No wonder our biggest political and religious battles are always surrounding sex and gender.
Once again, Gorb, that’s because you’re adding an emotional dimension to rape that I am not. I define rape as “the taking from a woman by force or intentional deception that which she cannot be fairly persuaded to give up.” I don’t think it’s the worst thing that can happen to a woman, and I don’t think it’s a “tool of oppression”, and I don’t think courts “treat a victim like a criminal” by insisting she provide proof as she would have to if she were accusing a man of anything else. It’s a specific kind of (sometimes but not always violent) theft; the word “rape” used to mean “theft “, an archaic meaning played upon by Alexander Pope in his mock epic The Rape of the Lock and in the “Rape Ballet” from The Fantasticks.
Maybe this will help: Once when I was in my late teens I was walking into the Liberal Arts Building at UNO, and I had to pass next to a guy from the “Future Fascists of America” (or whatever they call themselves) and a girl from the “College Commies” (or whatever they called themselves) who were involved in a heated argument. As I passed, the guy suddenly shouted, “Let’s ask her!” and pointed at yours truly. Doing my best deer-caught-in-headlights impression I stopped dead in my tracks and was assaulted with “Do you think abortion is murder?” from the girl. “Yes,” I replied, but before the guy could start crowing I added, “but I think murder is sometimes justified.” Then I walked away to stunned silence from both of them.
I refuse to invest words with political meanings, whether euphemistic or dysphemistic. A spade is a spade, a whore is a whore, and a rape is a rape. And any extra meaning is added by the mind of the user.
Hm. The culture ads an emotional dimension to it; it’s why there’s theft, assault, rape and murder. Rape is different.
It’s forced sex.
In your scheme, non-violent sexual assault (which conditional consent – conditions later broken:” Have sex with me / I will marry you” – no marriage situation) – or “seduction” – could be “rape”, which would be like sex.
The problem is that “rape”, as defined and punished by our (and most) societies, means forcible sex, and now sex without consent (hence date rape – often when it’s decided that it’s rape after the fact).
I think you must be unique in your very reasonable definition. That’s a problem.
The issue is, if we assume your definition, why should punishments for this crime be any more serious than punishments for, say, theft. Essentially, rape for you is nothing more than theft.
Noofeminists will wholeheartedly agree that not paying for sex when you agree to a price is rape – but for wholly different reasons.
And if this is what rape is, in your definition, why not just call it theft?
Or in the case of the guy in India who promises marriage for a sexual relationship with a woman and it then turns out he never intended to marry her, fraud?
“the taking from a woman by force or intentional deception that which she cannot be fairly persuaded to give up.”
By this definition, rape is not necessarily a violent crime. What word do we use for rape that is also violent?
“Violent rape” works just fine IMHO.
OK, that’s cool. The difficulty is that the penalties for rape (legal and otherwise) are based on the notion that rape is necessarily a violent crime, that a person who does it is a vicious animal who is a danger to society at large. It is precisely for this reason that feminists like to call every little thing they don’t like “rape”. They are hoping to have people thrown in prison for long terms in harsh conditions for offending them.
I suppose you can use a private definition for the word “rape” if you wish. But it’s not other people’s fault when they misunderstand you, if you do.
In some cases I would most certainly agree with your assessment Maggie, and most times I do. However, there are two angles that I think you miss, one by omission and the other by being a bit one sided.
The first is that anyone who has had any induction into college or business these days has most probably been forced into learning some of these head games as so-called communication strategies, and in some cases they are so ingrained that they probably don’t even realize that they are doing it. I know one person that routinely mimics body and spatial positioning to make whomever he is speaking with feel more comfortable, thus making it easier for him to draw out more information. He has been doing it for so long that when I pointed it out to him I could watch him visibly struggle NOT to do it for the duration of our conversation.
The second part, and the one that seems a bit one sided, is your mention of haggling. At the end of the day, prostitution is a business, and in business, for many it is second nature to try and get the best deal possible. Sometimes, that could mean negotiating better service with a less attractive provider for the same price, or accepting lesser service from a more attractive provider for a lower price. Whatever the clients psychological hierarchy happens to require. To me, I do not consider this a power game so much as a attempt to make sure that what you are getting is worth what you are paying. This is surely not always the case, but I do think it probably accounts for some of that small minority at least.
I agree with you that at least in some cases the head games are unconscious; I even mentioned it in passing at the end of the second paragraph. But I’ll bet a lot of girls would be happier if these guys unconsciously tried to make them feel more comfortable rather than less!
As for haggling, I’m sure some are indeed doing it innocently, but even in that innocent attempt there lies a hidden insult of which they may not be aware. When one is approached by a man from the Middle East one expects haggling because it’s part of their culture, but in general American culture there is no such expectation. When an American man goes to the barber, doctor, masseuse or mechanic he doesn’t haggle; he pays the price and if he thinks it’s too high he goes elsewhere in the future. It’s with the escort alone he haggles, because deep down he thinks A) her service is overpriced, and B) she isn’t operating a “real” business. Those are the attitudes that support continued criminalization, especially the latter, and most professionals who treat their businesses as businesses find them highly insulting just as much as a doctor or mechanic would.
I think you are slightly mistaken, or perhaps only over-generalizing, if you believe that men only haggle with escorts in America. Most would and do happily haggle other things, house prices, car prices, repair prices, etc. The main difference is not that escorts are special in this regard, but rather because of the problems caused by illegality of the whole scenario. If escorts could openly operate and advertise, they would probably see less of the ‘hagglling’ as prices would become slightly more fixed, or at least it would be easier to ‘shop around’ as we do with general retailers and service providers. I love to get a ‘better deal’ in any business transaction. It truly does not make a bit of difference whether the service provider is a AC repairman, a plumber, or an escort.
Another reason men haggle with prostitutes is because popular culture presents it as part of the process. Watch almost any movie with prostitutes and you’ll see “negotiating the price” presented as just a part of the procedure. Streetwalker, brothel, escort: each side trying to get the best deal is shown as part of what it’s all about. So a man hires a streetwalker, brothel girl, or escort, and begins haggling because he’s supposed to. Everything he’s seen tells him so.
I would accept that if the ones doing it were first-time customers, but they’re not. Newbies usually just pay up; the most habitual negotiators are found among experienced “hobbyists”.
The ones I disliked the most were the most were “no shows”. They’d call me up, go through the screening process, and then not show up. I’d call them, and of course they wouldn’t answer.
The big problem with this was that if I booked an appointment with them, then that means the time was taken, and I couldn’t have booked with someone else, and I lost income.
Never really figured out a good way to deal with this.
Yeah, I did a column on them back in October. It’s even worse when it’s an outcall because you also waste gas and effort getting there.
Well to be blunt about this, the guys that do this to the women just “piss me off”. They demonstrate a lack of respect for the women and their livelihoods yet they’re all too happy to take advantage of it when they do get their way. I’ve built my short (4 months & 12 women) hobbying career around respect & kindness toward every woman I’ve communicated with & spent time with. As a result, I never have an issue getting not just an appointment but normally the appointment time & day that I want. As a result, our time together then focuses on “us” being together and enjoying each other for that short period of time, not ill feelings about the business transaction. As men, that’s why we hobby, isn’t it?
These “hagglers” on their power trips love to brag to other guys about the deals they got and obviously have no concern for the fact that so many providers depend upon this business as their livelihood. It’s their only source of income and many have families to take care of. Maybe it’s because I’m older (late 50’s) and the girls (like my weekly regular girl) seem almost like my daughter in some respects and I want to be sure that they are able to take care of themselves and their families. I sometimes feel like I should get a tee shirt printed up that says “I support single moms” because in reality, that’s what I do. My regular goes to school full time so that when she graduates and moves on into the legal profession, she won’t provide any more. She has no desire to be that 40 something woman who’s beauty has begun to fade, has a more difficult time attracting clients, yet has to keep pushing forward as a provider because that’s all she knows how to do. She has goals and ambitions and I for one admire her for her foresight & direction.
I never haggle and I always communicate in a simple straightforward fashion so there is no room for interpretation. I say what I mean in those communications and I expect the same in return. My regular appreciates it as does every girl I’ve ever seen. If I think a provider is charging too much, I just won’t see her. I don’t care how hot she is or how many guys chase her. I’m not one of them. But I won’t haggle at any time. AS a professional girl, I’m sure you know that money should never be the topic of conversation in this business. It’s the exchange of money for the services that law enforcement keys in on so it’s always best to avoid that discussion.
Jack, I think I can speak for the other working girls here in saying that we all wish most clients were like you. 🙂
Thank you Maggie. But in my uneducated estimation, it’s just basic alpha male vs beta male behavior. The alphas just seem to be on that power trip and need to control everything, even the communications. The beta guys on the other hand are more interested in achieving the objective of attempting to schedule with the provider in the first place. Besides, I just love the women I meet in this hobby. So many smart tough girls. I’m attracted to smart women (for better or worse apparently).
Common sense would seem to dictate that any business conducted with another human that would involve the levels of intimacy as this hobby does should only be conducted with the utmost respect. This is not the same as having your house painted where you’re inclined to haggle over price and sometimes need to use harsh communications to keep a contractor from doing less than he promised. Providers are people and the guys that act like they’re all “just ho’s” don’t get it.
Unfortunately in today’s society, the whole alpa vs beta thing just contributes to the theory that “nice guys finish last”. So these alphas just keep doing what they’ve been “raised” by their mommas to do. Stomp on everyone & everything else to be sure they get their own way. They’re just grown spoiled brats.
I have to disagree with you on one point, Jack; those guys aren’t true alphas, they’re alpha wannabes. True alpha males don’t have to prove anything; they’re just quietly in control of the situation, and one doesn’t feel any sense of struggle. My husband’s like that; people just naturally look to him for leadership, and there’s never any manipulation or games.
Well since there are good & bad of every type I would believe that the guys above represent the “bad” alphas while your loving husband represents the “good” side of that equation. N’est pas?
It is possible to actually practice both alpha & beta as you can be gifted with one type naturally and learn to be the other when necessary. Adaptation to the situation is an amazing skill. I believe that the best alphas are those who rise to the occasion when it’s necessary, yet stay out of the fray when it’s not. Similar to a “good samaritan” in many respects.
No, I’d still disagree; anyone struggling for power is, by definition, not an alpha. Combat yes, petty games no. While non-alpha chimpanzees are often subject to rage and violence, alpha chimps will groom females and play with babies. They are observably gentler because they have nothing to prove.
I like your observation about “true alphas” and “alpha wannabees.” It makes sense to me.
I wonder, though, about those guys who do seem to try to control and overwhelm the people around them, not as a matter of ambition but as if it is a matter of personal style.
(I am thinking of the portrayal of Hemingway in the recent Woody Allen movie, “Midnight in Paris.”)
Perhaps these guys are neither “alpha” (of any kind) or “beta” (of any kind). Perhaps they are just jerks.
>She has no desire to be that 40 something woman who’s beauty has begun to fade, has a more difficult time attracting clients, yet has to keep pushing forward as a provider because that’s all she knows how to do.
Except for the “difficulty attracting clients” part, that was me. Odd thing, age never affected my business. I’m lucky not to look my age, but even so, turning forty didn’t turn away the clients. Maybe it was my PSE niche, can’t really say. I had quite a few clients younger than me.
Quitting was difficult. I truly liked and enjoyed many of my regulars, and miss them. I liked what I did. I often think about returning to it. But age (I suspect I could still be busy) but most of all physical condition (The arthritis that was predicted to cripple me by the time I was 30 has finally caught up with me. I’ve made it much longer than they thought, but the body just can’t be pushed for ever, and my specialty was a very physical session.)
I’d say 90% of my clients were not jerks, but great guys. And many were business men.
Actually, I say “40’s” as a broad range because I’ve been with providers in their 40’s (several at 42 & one at 44) and the experiences have been some of the best I’ve ever had. The 44 year old was as hot, smooth, sexy, and sweet as the 20 year olds I’ve seen. It just blows me away but that’s my experience. I personally believe that women are just absolutely “ripe” in their 40’s, no doubts for me. I specify the the 40’s because most of the providers I “pillow talk” with feel that late 40’s is when things start to fade for them. My regular weekly girl is 33 (ahhhh. saw her this morning….what a sweetheart….) and mid to late 40’s is where she thinks that things would really start to fade for her. But truthfully, even though she’s comfortable being a provider, she wants to get into working in an office and put her escort days behind her. She provides because it’s her sole source of income for she & her son and she knows how. While she goes to school full time, it’s the perfect job for her. She’s had a few bad relationships including one marriage and feels like having that LTR just requires her to “give” too much of herself. I personally think she needs an older man who is past the “chasing”stage and can love her for who she is and not what he thinks she should be. She’s a sweet girl & I really hope she can find that guy someday. She deserves that.
When I was working, I knew younger girls who sometimes asked me how I did it, how clients would tell them about how I wore them out. I was lucky to be high-energy. I always have been.
About the word “hobby.” It’s a hobby for the guy, not for the hooker. For her, it isn’t a hobby but a job.
I know everybody here gets that, but it was starting to bug me so I said it. Not trying to say that hobbyists don’t know that, but I feel better having said it.
I’m glad you did; that’s one of my pet peeves. It really, really, REALLY irritates me when clients use the phrase “the hobby” in reference to the whole scene rather than just their part of it. You even see some girls using it (“I’ve been in the hobby for 5 years…”) and obviously they don’t realize how much using that phrase feeds into the Myth of the Wanton and undercuts our position that sex work is work; not a game, not a dodge or a scam, not a crime and certainly not a fucking “hobby”; W – O – R – K, work!
Yeah. It’s kind of like golf.
For the amateur players, it’s a “hobby.”
At least, insofar as a hobby sucks in time, attention, and money … that the wife doesn’t get. (Ditto fishing, ditto bowling … )
But for the golf pro at their golf club — it’s a job. Selling golf lessons is a job. And so forth.
I think I see clients using the word like a euphemism. “This isn’t evil, it’s just a hobby. The wife plays bridge for a penny a point [or whatever], and buys supplies for quilting; I have this.”
But I’ll admit that it does feel like a stretch, to me. Maybe because I don’t see it as evil, in the first place.