No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.
– Mandell Creighton
I’ve often written about how important allies are in the struggle for sex worker rights; it’s why I call for them to speak out every Friday the 13th. One of the reasons is that we’re an awfully small minority, and another is that we need third parties to fend off the inevitable circumstance ad hominem accusations:
…we’re often accused of distorting facts to make ourselves look good, and no matter how assiduously we work to present a balanced view this is a natural and credible accusation against anyone who advocates for some issue which directly concerns her. That’s why allies are so important; it’s much harder for the prohibitionists to shout down people who don’t have a dog in the fight, but merely support prostitutes’ rights on moral grounds.
I think male allies are especially important, because the majority of men have directly paid for sex at least once and a sizable minority do so regularly, yet one wouldn’t know it by listening to the public discourse; vocal male allies help to give other men the courage to speak out.
Unfortunately, both male and female would-be allies tend to undermine our cause with depressing regularity. Some of them do this inadvertently, by failing to check their facts with sex workers and thereby buying into prohibitionist talking points such as the myth that “sex trafficking” is a huge problem, the naïve belief that the police can be trusted to “manage” sex workers, the lie that legalization increases “trafficking”, the ill-considered notion that licensing and registration decrease exploitation or the demeaning canard that we have more diseases than other non-celibates. Some make good arguments against criminalization, but feel compelled to insist that they disapprove of sex work, or opine that we live an “immoral lifestyle”, and they’re only defending us on principle. And some even vomit out agency-negating poison like “People don’t choose to become prostitutes” or “they should go after the pimps”. But even the ones who commit none of the more egregious errors and insults will often use the incredibly-insulting phrase “selling their bodies”; I recently saw an essay in which the writer (who was clearly pro-decriminalization) used the phrase “rent out their bodies for sex.” And because that incredibly stupid expression is so very common and so incredibly insulting to literally everyone, I think it’s high time we purge it from polite use, preferably with fire.
My most succinct argument against the phrase was probably this one I made on a newspaper story some time ago, and would never have remembered had a reader not immortalized it on Tumblr and recently tweeted the link:
The claim that sex workers “sell our bodies” is not only logically absurd (I was a prostitute for years, but my body is still right here with me), but totally sexist because it is based on the notion that a woman’s sexuality is her entire worth. The belief behind this expression is that since a woman has nothing of value to offer except her sexuality, if she “sells” that she has “sold herself” and there is nothing left. The fact that anti-sex worker activists use this expression so often says a lot about them.
This is of course the same pernicious and demeaning concept of a woman’s worth which lurks behind the horrible belief that rape is a “fate worse than death” from which a woman can never, ever recover. Those who prefer my mocking idiocy to getting sort of feministy over it may like this more outre demolition of the phrase from two months ago:
It’s almost as though some people actually believe that after one transaction whores become spiritual beings (after all, when one “sells” something the buyer generally takes it with him when he leaves) who then, presumably, reincarnate like the Dalai Lama and return to the brothel to “sell” their instantly-grown, identical new bodies again. One wonders what happens to all the old bodies, however; I reckon once the men are done with them, they flush them down the loo like unwanted goldfish or “child sex slaves”.
Now, my objections to the word “selling” don’t apply to the word “renting”, but the use of the word “body” to mean “services” conjures a whole host of issues on its own. The idea that sex requires only a woman’s body and not her mind is just as absurd as the “selling” part, and insults both whores and clients: whores because the very real talents and skills we bring to our craft is ignored, devalued and reduced to mere physical presence; clients because it essentially casts them as necrophiles or desperate men who can be wholly satisfied with inert dolls. Any woman who believes that men are satisfied with a girl who does little more than show up has some deep issues with men, and any man who believes it…well, let’s not go there. It’s clear that neither of them has ever read a review of an escort who acts that way, and equally clear that such beliefs say far more about their own expectations (if male) and bedroom behavior (if female) than about the sex workers and clients they insult and demean by the use of such expressions.
Allies, we really appreciate your wanting to help us, and Aphrodite knows we really need your help, especially these days when the crusade to exterminate us is running hotter than it has in a century. But if you’re going to spout prohibitionist propaganda, stop short of saying that our work is valid work, refuse to respect our agency and choices and use moronic expressions which perpetuate harmful, ignorant stereotypes about us, our clients and our associates, it’s probably better if you just go away and keep your mouth shut, because you’re doing more harm than good.
I remember, I think it was in catechism – I was a little kid and the Nun who was teaching us … well she mentioned that Mary Magdeline (or maybe some other woman) was a “prostitute”.
So little Krulac – who’s like in the 1st or 2nd grade raises his hand and says …
“What’s a prostitute sister?”
And the Nun says … “That’s a woman who sells her body.”
I didn’t want to look stupid by questioning that – so I shut my fat yap. But I sat there trying to figure out how in the hell that works – a woman who “sells” her body? So I’m thinking … “who wants to buy a fucking body?” Okay – so I didn’t use the “F-word” in my thoughts back then – because Little Krulac, as opposed to Big Krulac, was a very nice boy – but you get the point I’m sure.
What do you do with a “body”? And – doesn’t that somehow kill the woman if she sells her body? I’m all fucked up and confused. Then I thought – that’s a tough business … selling your body … because you could only do it once and then you’re kind of out of business – no more body to sell you know?
My point is – the statement about “selling one’s body” confused me, a kid who grew up to be a relative dullard. It confused me because I knew too much about the English language and the Nun was trying to “reshape” my view of language by introducing something that didn’t make sense. It’s amazing, when you’re a kid – you recognize these anomalies … but you just kind of assume there’s something deeper there that you, as a stupid kid – just don’t get.
And there really isn’t.
It’s actually the other way around – the grown ups are twisting the language to slur someone.
I don’t know what to do about it – that Nun told me that shit like 45 years ago – almost a half a century. So this little incorrect “anomaly” of language – has been allowed to exist so long – no one questions it.
There are just “things” that no one questions – they don’t stop and think about them – they just go with what they were told while growing up. “Legalize Marijuana? Why that would be the END of society you FOOL!” And they just don’t think about what they just said. They feel they have the license NOT to think about it – because they’re simply spitting out “pop knowledge” and the societal “line”.
When I first heard the word ‘prostitute’, I too asked what it meant, and Dad said “a woman who makes love for money.” I may have wondered a bit how that’s possible; did I misunderstand ‘love’?
I got caught up in a debate about the “fate worse than death” mindset of rape on a comment thread. I said that if you are of the mind to wallow in the maudlin grimness of your trauma, there are billions of dollars in rape-counseling infrastructure to ensure that this is, was, and will remain The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To You In Your Life And You Will Never Get Over It.
However, if you are inclined to move along and forward with your life and leave the rape in your past, then you are in denial or damaged or self-hating. Which makes absolutely zero, negative sense to me. (I have been molested but never raped.)
For some reason that great scene from Lawrence of Arabia
keeps popping into my head. Peter O’Toole is putting out a burning match by pinching it with his fingertips. A junior soldier follows suit and squeals “OW! That Hurts!” Lawrence/O’Toole looks at him, smiles serenely and replies, “Of course it hurts. The trick is not minding that it hurts.”
Think about it. 😉
Exactly – all these “counselors” … none of them will EVER just give you the car keys so you can drive out of the garage and get on with your life by yourself.
Self-Licking Ice Cream Cone – counselors need victims … and so when they get them – they teach them breathing lessons and keep them victims. Or worse – they give them drugs, drugs which cause other problems in their lives and viola! Permanent victim!
I think the biggest problem I have in life is being “needed” by women. I like to be their “superhero” all the time and save them – it’s my fuck up. I think we men must have invented this “rape hype” to create another reason for women to need us – much like a “rape counselor” does.
There is a scene in an English slasher film called (I think) “Killer’s Moon” where a girl is raped and her friend tells her that it won’t effect anything, that she’ll just carry on as if it hasn’t happened, get married etc and live her life on that basis. Even though the film was written (or rewritten) by a woman (Fay Wheldon) that scene has been criticised as being misogynistic; but I’ve never been able to think of it as telling the truth – since most rapes aren’t even reported – about how most women who get raped deal with it. Men as well, I suppose.
Oh and I am having a little trouble picturing Krulac in Catholic school. 😀
I think you get a lot of this from males because if they don’t see sex workers they don’t want to be accused of seeing them by angry, hate filled “feminists.” So, for whatever reason, they see the harm that criminalization (or stigma, in countries where sex work is currently legal) does, and they want to speak out about it.
However, they don’t want to get “Thanks for mansplaining that, pervert-rapist,” as a reply argument. So they constantly come up with distancing language which ends up reinforcing some part of the anti-sexwork narrative: Pimps, trafficking, “go after the johns,” etc.
Of course, if you actually do hire women for sexual services (or have in the past), then those angry, hate-filled “feminists” will have a field day calling you every horrible name they can think of. Obviously, you are a human monster who just wants to continue your perversions, and ideally you would be taken away to rot in some dungeon for whatever period of time they feel is appropriate.
This sets up a situation where you have some limited protection if you know less about what you are talking about than if you are really knowledgable. The people who are most likely to see sex workers as people are people who actually spend time with them, which means family (“pimps”) and customers (“evil perverts”). However, those people are rendered invalid because they “profit” from sex-work, even if they don’t, or because they get sexual satisfaction from it.
Of course the real problem here is that for “feminists” if you possess male genitals, you are the enemy so you are supposed to shut up (and in the dream utopia, go quietly into the gas chamber). Oddly enough, it doesn’t matter in this case whether you are a male or female feminist, except that males have less right to deviate from the established narrative. You can end up in a discussion online where the person making the argument is an actual, but anonymous sex worker, and the person saying, “thanks for mansplaining that, pervert,” is a male “feminist.” (Not really sure what male “feminists” of this type get out of the deal, but there are some prominent ones like Robert Jensen.)
Part of advocating a bigotry is attacking its subject’s allies. The ally is accused of everything from political correctness to being a race traitor. Of course, if you support gay rights, you are probably gay. These tactics become much less effective when large numbers of people identify as allies. Being accused of being gay no longer has the sting it once did.
This is not a comfortable time to be an ally of sex workers. But it is an important time for it. Someone has to bring the movement to the point that it is a comfortable bandwagon to hop on.
Right, I remember that growing up. Anyone for gay rights was attacked for being probably gay.
Well, in some sense the vast majority of people in the world ‘sell their bodies’ (or, more accurately, rent them). If you do physical labor, and get paid for it, you are renting your body (and time) to an employer for money. This isn’t just farm hands and janitors; policemen, fire-fighters, military servicepeople… they are trading their youth, energy, and physical capability for money. (They may get other rewards out of their service, of course, but I’m sure the same is true for sex workers.) If you’re a ‘professional’, then you are renting you time and mind for money. (Which has always been more highly regarded and rewarded, but still means you’re working for someone else.) And these are always a minority in any society. And even then, their bodies are part of this; we don’t have disembodied presences, so although their work may not be strictly physical, their bodies are still involved.
So, if you believe that ‘renting’ your body for money is wrong, then you condemn the majority of your fellow human beings…and quite possibly yourself. It would be nice if we could get all of life’s necessities without working; but that isn’t going to happen. The best we can hope for is to work at something we can enjoy.
You’re absolutely right in everything you say and you’ve hit on a very important point … “renting” one’s body isn’t really the question – the question is, how much economic freedom and personal independence does one gain from doing so?
Independent escorts work for no one. They see who they choose – when they choose. If they want to pick up and go on a “working vacation” they can do it for however long they please.
I argue that – if you don’t like prostitution, because it seems like “slavery” to you – then what of military personnel? They’re “bullet catchers” who can’t simply “pick and choose” what kind of war activities they want to engage in – and the stakes are MUCH higher for them than they are for prostitutes. Military personnel, after voluntarily choosing the job, are then forced to do anything and everything they’re told.
They are like the character Varro, from Spartacus (Blood and Sand) – who was a free Roman who sold himself into slavery to pay off his gambling debts with the understanding that he would be released once the debt was paid. However, as a slave – his master was free to take his life any time he had the desire too – and eventually his master did just that.
The difference really is … we require military personnel for defense – so we pretend this circumstance doesn’t exist while – sex workers are involved in … dom…dom…dom … SEX.
It’s very interesting to me that a 17 year old kid is considered to have enough “agency” to make a decision to join a dangerous occupation like the military, under an inescapable contract – but a 17 year old girl doesn’t have the “agency” to do something that is perfectly natural with her body even though she can freely choose to stop doing it any time she pleases.
It’s a trade-off. Everyone has to make the decision of what they will endure in order to earn their daily bread. (Well, almost everyone.) Sometimes, the cost is too high, and the worker(s) walk out. (At least, in countries where that’s an option. Most times, people grimace and put up with bad conditions because the perceived alternatives are worse.
I would argue that independent escorts are contractors. Just like a plumber only works for you if you pay them, and provides a specified service for their time and money, escorts work for their clients, and provide a specific set of services. You wouldn’t ask your plumber to re-wire your house or fix your car; you don’t ask an escort to wash your clothes or clean the dishes. But in the end, both plumbers and escorts are only as independent as they can afford to be. They’re not obligated to work for any given person; but they have to provide work in return for money to some person(s). This isn’t a criticism of contractors or wage-earners; merely an observation of reality.
Reblogged this on respectsexwork.
[…] http://maggiemcneill.wordpress.com/2013/07/18/more-harm-than-good/ […]
Maggie,
I would assume that those who want to legalize drugs would have similar views to those who want to legalize prostitution–so would it be a jump in logic to think that those would be natural allies?
I suppose there are different politics/ethics involved in the selling of sexual services and the use of drugs…
…ideologically, I had been for the legalization of drugs long before I had used any.
Infact, one of those “anti-drug” talks had started my life long fascination with psychadelics and I jumped at my first chance to try them. (if they were legal, I would’ve tried them under better circumstances.)
For me personally, the same train of thought that leads to the decriminalization of drugs is parrellel to the same train of thought for prostitution-ie “the government doesn’t have the right to tell me what to do with my body and mind.”
(I am also against forced military conscription/Selecitve Service.)
Most men are complete cowards where sex is concerned. Many will not defend porn, the ubiquitous stuff of sexual fantasies nowadays. I do not believe they would defend prostitutes, including the ones who purchase their services. That is why, despite the enormous popularity and appeal of porn and prostitution, the bluenoses keep winning their victories.
I don’t think that’s correct totally. If you mean “coming out of the closet” to announce … “Oh yeah, I buy sex all the time and it’s great!” Well – no, I don’t think you’ll see a lot of that happening.
It’s not cowardice to refuse to do something stupid. I think it’s pretty stupid for any man with a livelihood, who has a nice job, and is responsible for taking care of a family to come out and say … “Well fuck it all! I pay for sex dammit and whores are great!”
If you are a man …
You can talk authoritatively in defense of sex workers by simply pointing out that pay-sex was something you did … “in the past”.
I paid for sex when I was single – and I talk about that all the time to everyone – everyone except maybe my Mom but I’m sure her sister has told her cuz I talked to her about it when she had problems with a son.
But … if I had to …
“Hey Mom … come on – what would you have had me do? Go out and lie to “straight” women about how I love them in order to get sex – or simply pay a girl who’s willing to do it for money and let it go at that?”
I don’t know how many guys married the wrong woman simply because they were tired of having no sex and they had the “morality” to not pay for it. So they find the first girl that give it to them and marries them to eliminate that problem – but they buy all kinds of other problems in return.
I will defend it is MORE HONORABLE to compensate a woman for sex than it is to play on her “emotions” and lead her on in order to get her to spread her legs.
I never felt “shitty” about paying a hooker. I HAVE felt like a shithead when I led women on for free sex.
I tell people all the time about my “hooking exploits” when I was a young submariner and about how hookers provided a much needed “re-charge” to burnt out submariners. Nuke boats can spend more than a hundred days – UNDERWATER – and man, you just can’t imagine how life-changing that is. It’s like prison – worse than living in prison because sometimes a female DOES walk by your cell. Not on a sub. You can’t just hop off a 100 day stint under the sea with 120 men and step right back into the saddle of chasing girls – and you usually don’t have the time to if you could. BUT – while you’re submerged your paycheck is accruing in a bank somewhere and you ain’t spending it – which means you have quite the “cash stash” to do some serious whoring when you surface that boat. 😀
I tell the people I work with all the time that this Trafficking In Persons annual training is complete bullshit. It’s a hoax just like Global Warming. If someone is conservative – mention TIP = HOAX = GLOBAL WARMING in the same sentence and you’ll get them thinking about whether they’ve been duped by the government on TIP.
I’ve been with hookers – a lot of them. LOL – maybe 40 percent of the chicks I’ve been with were hookers. So yeah, I do tell people that … “Well I’ve been with all these girls – and I’ve known them – you claim you never have – but you speak with total authority that you know what their motives are and they’re all coerced? How does that rationally compute?”
People believe in the vast international conspiracy of trafficking for the exact same reasons they believe in the vast international conspiracy of global warming hoaxers: because the solution to the problem, if the vast conspiracy isn’t real, is unacceptable to them.
If hookers choose their job and prefer it to other jobs they are free to take (no iron-fisted pimp pimp to say otherwise) then they should be respected like any other workers and left alone to pursue their chosen profession.
!!!!!UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!
Therefore, the vast international trafficking conspiracy is real. It MUST be!
If global warming really is happening and people really are causing it, then we should do something about it. “Something” would probably mean government action, regulations, maybe even taxation.
!!!!!UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!
Therefore, the vast international global warming hoax conspiracy is real. It MUST be!
Still, I can see the value of telling a trafficking-panic-believing conservative: “Meh, the same government tells you global warming is real, and you don’t believe that.”
[…] writing this as a companion piece to my comment on Maggie McNeill’s blog concerning how men can relay positive stories about paying for sex to others – so that we can […]
How did this get posted here?
Sometimes I think WordPress is under contract to NSA!!
I’ve never used the phrase ‘selling your body’ (simply because it sounded offensive) but I never really realized how absurd it was. Thanks for pointing that out and making sure I never use it in the future. 🙂
I think the idea behind the claim that prostitutes “sell their body” is that they sell the ownership of their body, and are therefore slaves.
Because, if a prostitute is periodically owned by her client (or owned by a pimp and rented out to clients), then she doesn’t have any rights. And, I think this explains the reasoning of a lot of people, both among those who hate whores and those who naively want to help.
Having said that, it’s preposterous. There is no reason why a whore must necessarily become a slave. It should be obvious to any person capable of rational thought that a whore never gives up her right to bodily autonomy, and has every right to expect her clients to respect her boundaries and human rights.
Secondly, slavery is never defined by labor. It’s always defined by the conditions under which that labor is performed. So calling prostitution slavery is absurd.
I hope Maggie that even if we have minor agreements on the how of decrimialization/legaliztion of all sex work for consenting adults, that I have never made a major faux pas in either of my OpEdNews articles, or in my replies on your blog. If I do, a gentle swing of the cosmic 2×4 is usually enough to correct my error, or at least force me to explain myself.
I think Alan Colmes self-description of a “liberaltarian” comes to close to describing my politics. we do not need many of the laws we have now, and I believe most laws should have a sunset provision in them. The whole Snowden/NSA debacle demonstrates that our security state is not making us more secure, it is destroying the security we have.
But some laws are needed to protect the weak from the strong, as well as the minority from the majority. In the Sex Worker we have the example of both types of persecution: the weak being exploited and/or persecuted by the strong, a minority (less than 1% of the American population) being persecuted by a self-righteous majority.
It is the worst of all possible worlds.
Looking up “liberaltarian” tonight.
Liberaltarian-a word coined by radio talk show host Alan Colmes. It means a social liberal, and a human/civil/legal rights libertarian, i.e., please pass no more laws than are actually needed.
Sounds like me. I don’t want the government telling me or anybody else what they are allowed to do with their own minds and bodies, but if people are starving or bridges need to be repaired or gigantic corporations (which damn it are not PEOPLE) need to be restrained, then I want a government which can and will feed those people, repair those bridges, and constrain those giants.
Unfortunately, the reason the giants get to be giants is nearly always due to collusion with government. 🙁
That’s true. Unfortunately.
http://www.glennbeck.com/2013/07/19/meet-the-libertarian-mayor-behind-one-of-colorados-most-thriving-towns/?utm_source=Daily&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2013-07-19_238027&utm_content=4287702&utm_term=_238027_238036
On the question of allies, this guy looks to be formidable. When the mayor and the town council tried to shut his fiancee’s strip club down, they launched an electoral effort on 30 days notice and un-elected that same mayor and town council.
Is there a downside to removing the utm_ tracking junk? http://www.glennbeck.com/2013/07/19/meet-the-libertarian-mayor-behind-one-of-colorados-most-thriving-towns/
Reblogged, commented and translated:
http://barriorojo-esl.blogspot.com.es/2013/07/mas-mal-que-bien.html
Keep the good work, Maggie. I really enjoyed this article because we have here, in Spain, the same problem with some of our supposed “allies”. I think that they have a kind heart but also they seem to accept some of the abolitionist propaganda. I hope they can learn more because we really need them to do a proper work in our behalf.
Kisses, Maggie. U are wonderful.
[…] work is work, equating all sex work with survival streetwalking and using Victorian phrases like “selling their bodies”. Others absurdly state that “prostitution is not a victimless crime”, deny sex workers’ […]
[…] so I should approach them with care and slowly gain their trust. Slurs are common, sex workers are called ‘prostituted women’, cum-dumps, compared to animals on display or even called […]