This essay first appeared in Cliterati on July 21st; I have modified it slightly to fit the format of this blog.
People, as the Doors song says, are strange. And one of the strangest of all the strange types of people in the world is the narcissist, the person who appears to be absolutely convinced that the entire universe revolves around him. Now, we all start out that way: as infants we are completely self-centered, but babies have the excuse of being not exactly brilliant by adult standards; they are simply unable to comprehend that there are a huge number of other beings with whom they must share the world. Of course, we expect this of babies; it’s only when they manage to make it to adulthood with this overinflated ego intact that problems arise. And though such people have an adverse affect on everyone around them, it seems exaggerated when those with whom they interact are sex workers.
Because the narcissist believes his own life to be more valuable than those of others, every fraction of that life – in other words, any given amount of time – is more valuable than an equal amount of anyone else’s time. What this means in practice is that the narcissist expects other people to be willing to invest as much time in interacting with him as he is in interacting with them; while it’s possible for them to waste his time, he cannot fathom that he might be wasting theirs. This effect is intensified when sex workers are involved for two reasons: One, because our time is what we sell, so lost time is lost money; and Two, because there seems to be a very common misconception that since clients come to us for pleasure, we must also be doing it for pleasure (hence the popular “whores are lazy” myth). Some men think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with calling an escort and trying to keep her on the phone as long as possible, or actually making an appointment and then not showing up (or not answering when she shows up), or taking every minute of the purchased time and then s-l-o-w-l-y washing up, getting dressed, etc so as to consume another twenty minutes or more. After all, she’s just a lazy hooker, right? She can’t possibly have anything else to do but entertain him for free, and the idea she might have another appointment never seems to enter his mind.
I honestly thought I had seen my last time-waster, but when I became an activist I discovered otherwise. Apparently, every last anonymous prohibitionist on the internet believes that I just lie about all day, looking at myself in the mirror and eating bonbons while my staff writes my blog; I therefore surely have unlimited time to refute all of his tinned arguments, look up links for him and restate the content of my entire professional oeuvre in convenient 140-character sound bites. As I told one such individual recently, I would take as much time with him as necessary if he were a legislator trying to push for decriminalization or a celebrity who planned to advocate it on national TV; I’m sure you won’t be surprised when I tell you that he was offended by the suggestion that he did not have the power to influence millions. Nor does the relative fame of his target make any difference to such a person; Laura Agustín recently wrote a post explaining that no, she couldn’t do students’ research for them, and (despite her stage name being practically a household word) Brooke Magnanti still gets people who are Terribly Offended when she won’t take time out from writing, travelling and public appearances to refute prohibitionist myths for the umpteenth time on Twitter (she recently shared this wonderfully snarky tool for adjusting the thinking of those who expect such hand-holding).
But as far as sex workers are concerned, the very worst and most dangerous narcissists are those who truly believe that their feelings take precedence over other people’s health, safety and income. These are, of course, the prohibitionists, people who believe that because they dislike sex work, nobody should be allowed to do it. They think that because they don’t like the idea that men can hire women for sex, cops should arrest men and harass women to discourage the practice; because they don’t like knowing lad’s mags exist, the whole industry should be shut down (no matter how many people lose their jobs); and because they feel uncomfortable hearing sex workers defend our choices, we cannot be allowed to speak. When narcissism is limited to foolish demands for attention, it’s merely amusing or annoying as the tantrum of a spoiled child might be. But when the narcissists use the machinery of government to impose their personal prejudices on others, it’s like giving that same spoiled child a loaded gun.
Yes to all you said. And when the narcissism not only includes an absence of compassion, but also a demonstrable absence of morals or conscience, we call those kind of prohibitionists “sociopaths”.
Yeah, I get that (in case you hadn’t noticed).
But one thing you’ve missed is that we don’t only think we’re the best, most important person in the world, we simultaneously think we’re the worst, least important one. Anything to make us ‘special’.
Or maybe that’s just a feature of bipolar narcissism.
Damn, I thought I was a narcissist but I’ve never looked up the meaning of the word. I thought a narcissist was just someone who looked in the mirror every time he passed one – that’s me. 😀
When I first heard Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain” … I said to myself … “What the Fuck? She’s met me?!”
I guess there is a difference between a “narcissist” and a “peacock” … LOL.
I just want to say though – that I don’t think all prohibitionists are “narcissists”. A lot of them are actually pretty good people who are just confused. They genuinely believe, for religious or other reasons, that the world will go into nuclear meltdown if we allow unrestricted fucking for pay. These people aren’t really narcissists – they are just fearful people.
Now – the ones that are in your face all the time, Maggie – yeah – those are narcissists.
Right, in other words they believe the version of morality that they adhere to is absolutely correct, so much so they’re willing to enforce it at gunpoint, and that the morality of all who disagree is so absolutely wrong it can be safely disregarded. That’s narcissism of the most virulent kind, whether we say so or not; we may as well say so.
Maggie, they don’t realize yet that they are “enforcing” their views at gunpoint. They have been told that some amount of societal “molding” has to take place or the thing burns down in entropy. They believe this – they don’t question it. I think there’s a difference between someone living inside “The Matrix” and someone who’s actively trying to make sex worker’s lives more miserable and dangerous.
I say this as a guy who used to be plugged into the Matrix – not all of us were gifted with the questioning intellect that you were born with. Did I just plead “dimwittedness”? I believe I did and it may not be a valid excuse but it’s true. No – I’ve never agreed with the majority on issues regarding sex workers – but I may have had I not fallen in love with a sex worker at an early age. I remember prior to meeting her – in my naive mind, I felt that prostitution was just something that had to take place in the shadows because there was no way society could accept it in the open.
I was not a narcissist – I was just clueless. I should be ashamed of that, being clueless is no better than being a narcissist – but it is something DIFFERENT from narcissism and one can be clueless and then become “clued” once he eventually turns the flashlight on. When I meet people and talk to them I try to find covert and creative ways to get them to turn that flashlight on. But I would not start with … “Hey, you’re a narcissist – and your views are garbage dude!”
All of us involved in this activity … both providers and clients … came to it for own reasons. Me, I am just a hypersexual male, happily enslaved to the soft curves of women. I HAD to come here – in my 50’s now and there is still not a minute of my life when I’m not thinking about where, or how I’m going to get the next girl. Many women come here as providers in order to meet their financial needs. Once we all became involved – we saw the truth of things. Yet, there are people out there who haven’t come to this activity and who don’t understand (though they think they do). And then there are the people who have come into this activity and are too fearful to depart with the societal memes surrounding prostitution.
You do understand that other things besides sex are prohibited, yes? 😉
Yep.
I just ran across this … and things like this don’t help win the majority to our side – in fact … it validates their fear of societal collapse and persecution …
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765636407/New-Mexico-photographer-loses-gay-marriage-case.html
That woman has a right to say “no” for any goddamn reason she chooses. I don’t know how we got on this path that everyone in this country has to do business with everyone else.
Who in the Gay Rights community picked this woman to persecute? She’s young … she’s hot … picking on a woman like this is never good optics and you can bet your ass there will be a back lash. For the record – I fully support gay “marriage” though I think it’s silly.
The “country” hasn’t, for it mostly takes the “Don’t want my business? Fine, I’ll go elsewhere. Your loss” attitude.
This mature reaction is beyond those with the aforementioned child-like narcissism and a sense of entitlement. Throw in the “you’re a bigot if you oppose this” emotional manipulation which gets shit done sufficiently well to discredit or silence enough criticism to pass the laws that make their sense of entitlement enforceable by the state.
I see from the article you linked that the ACLU fail-boat sailed again.
Narcissism is often confused with vanity. It can include vanity, but narcissism encompasses much more.
Especially when it encompasses ME! (The ever-so-much-more-so-better ME!) Have I said ME! enough yet?
Enough for a narcissist? Not nearly. 😉
I don’t look in a mirror every time I pass, but I have what I consider to be a healthy respect for my appearance. I ensure my hair is neat and my shoes are polished and my nail polish isn’t chipped. (today, it’s OPI You Only Live Twice) I consider that to be not narcissism, but respect for myself and consideration for the people I may encounter. I always think it’s nicer to look at a well-groomed person than a slob.
Well, darn! I guess I have my work cut out for me ;-()
And I agree that one should dress appropriately for the venue. Both in respect to oneself and to those sharing the venue with you. I’ve never grasped the mindset that wears shorts and flip-flops to the theatre. Not the cinema. The theatre. But maybe that’s my snobbishness coming out. 😉
I’ve never grasped the mindset that wears shorts and flip-flops to the theatre. Not the cinema. The theatre. But maybe that’s my snobbishness coming out. 😉
I could tell you stories from my 11 years of working in front-of-house management at the Metropolitan Opera….
My favorite nights were Wagner operas. You got to see the swanky tuxedo and designer gown power couples, sitting next to little old blue-haired ladies in their flowered dresses and curled hair,, sitting right next to the opera queens in full leather-and-studs bondage regalia, sitting next to the dirt-poor music students in threadbare chinos and knit ties. It was strangely democratic. (That, and I got lots of overtime pay.)
Grace used to get annoyed with me for looking at myself in every mirror we passed, so I told her “I refuse to deny myself the pleasure of looking at a beautiful woman merely because that beautiful woman happens to be me.” 🙂
ZING! 😀
That’s maman’s #1 complaint about me. Apparently, my aunt is the same way. As was their father. So…it’s genetic? Really, any good reflective surface gets my patronage. There’s a mirror in the Minneapolis Institute of Art’s reproduction of the Grand Salon from the Hôtel de la Bouëxière that I look amazing in.
I don’t think the whole world revolves around me, though. Considering I drop everything at a moment’s notice to assist one of my parents or grandparents even if it means my social life is put on hold.
I’m disappointed. I thought we were going to see a photo of you in that mirror, looking amazing.
😉
😛
You know, I’ve tried to do that. But in the pictures on the link, the ‘grand salon’ room is brighter than it is in person. When you’re physically in that room, the lighting is candlelight and I’d need a better camera for that.
A good comparison is the Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life,” with it’s horrible child tyrant.
Wasn’t that Bill Mumy of B-5 fame?
Yes, it was!
People also like the feeling of power; of being able to control and dictate the actions of others. Not to make the world conform to their belief systems, but simply to have the pleasure of making others follow orders.
You see this a lot in the service industry; customers who actually enjoy being difficult and are more interested in causing trouble and forcing reactions from the business then they are in resolving the problem.
So, the two desires (I am all that is important; Getting people to do what I say is pleasurable) are linked in the form of prohibitionists. Egocentrics/narcissists can make life difficult for individuals, but lack any motivation to really cause trouble for people unless they’re in contact with them.
Bruce Coulson wrote;
Boy Howdy!
I used to run a small service store and the main employee was an older lady who abhorred swearing. While I was around her I tempered my tongue out of courtesy to her.
One day I had just gotten back from a customer location and had gone into the office to make some data entries when she came in, a little abashed, to say that she had sworn at a customer earlier that day.
I said, “Well, I’ve known you for 20 years and I’ve never heard you swear, even when you broke your ankle. What happened?”
This woman had come into the store to send her tax information to her accountant. We had sent it certified with return receipt, and, as sometimes happens with automated processing, the return receipt was stripped by the machinery locally and returned, unsigned, to the sender.
An alert postal clerk at the destination noticed that a return receipt had been paid for so she went to the trouble of filling out a new one and, since the customer was using one of our boxes which had our business name, phone and fax on it, called my worker, told her what had happened and faxed her a copy of the signature with the actual return receipt to follow in the mail.
This happened before the customer in question came in with her complaint. Which she expressed by screaming obscenities at our employee from the outset.
Our employee gave the generic version of “obscenities” but one of our other customers came in and gave me the particulars – which was a bit dissonant hearing words like “stupid old f****ing c**t” from a woman in her 60’s. She was plainly embarrassed but felt strongly that I needed to hear the whole thing.
Apparently our “customer” continued the verbal abuse even after being assured that she would get her return receipt and after having been given the facsimile copy of the signature. At which point our employee said, “Shut the hell up you stupid little shit!” Mind you, this was from a woman I had never heard use a curse word in 20 years!
The “customer’s” reaction? “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m going to the Better Business Bureau!”
And yes I got a phone call from the BBB. They detailed the complaint as “serviced paid for but not rendered” and “abusive speech directed at customer.”
I asked the BBB clerk if the “customer” had detailed her behavior toward our employee?
“Well, no, she didn’t.”
I said, “Allow me.” And I retailed the above.
The BBB rep asked if I would extend a refund and have my employee offer an apology.
I said that I would under two conditions.
She asked my conditions.
I said, “I will offer her a full refund and my employee will apologize if the “customer” will come to our establishment and apologize for her own abusive language. And if she will sign a written statement that she will never patronize our establishment again.”
I don’t think that the BBB woman had ever run into that before. All she said was that she would pass the information on.
And no, the “customer” never came in to get her refund or make her apology.
Because I know that you’ve all been waiting to read my opinion on this, and because I’ve decided that the rest of you are worth a little of my time…
Too obvious?
^_~
😉
Minor nitpick—that’s a beautiful painting of Narcissus which you’ve posted, but I prefer Salvador Dali’s The Metamorphosis of Narcissus.