I’m a widow who’s been in a relationship with a widower for two years; he has a successful business and is very well-off and very good to me, and though neither of us had a very good sex life with our deceased spouses we have really made magic together. But for the past few months, things have cooled between us; the sex is still really good but somewhat less frequent, and his behavior has become odd. Due to his business he’s gone for about half of every week; this never used to bother me, but while I was unpacking his case from his last trip I found a bottle of Viagra, and some of them had been used. When I have sex with him now, he never wants anything but anal; he can’t come any other way. He gets a lot of junk texts on his phone from gay dating websites; he just deletes them and says he doesn’t know why they’re being sent to him. All this started after he hired a gay male friend of mine, and I have come to believe the two of them are having an affair.
I sometimes find the two of them talking in whispers, and they stop when I come into the room; one night recently I went to bed during one of the friend’s visits and awoke about three in the morning to find the two of them sitting close together in the garden, talking in hushed voices. The next day he came by work and avoided me, rushing out without saying hello; we used to be close friends, but now he avoids making eye contact. I want to trust my boyfriend, but it’s difficult given the circumstances.
I wish I could tell you that you’re only being paranoid, but I really don’t believe that you are. If I were in your place, I would be just as suspicious as you are; all of these things do seem to point toward your boyfriend having an affair with your friend. His sexual difficulties, his evasiveness, the way he and the friend seem to be sharing a secret, the fact that the friend is now uncomfortable around you, and the gay solicitations…together, they add up to something that doesn’t look good. Despite the social gains made by gay people in recent years, there is still a great deal of stigma attached to homosexuality among older people, and even younger ones in many countries; it would therefore be no surprise for your boyfriend to be in denial about his attraction to other men.
Obviously, you’re going to have to talk to him about it somehow, but I think we both know he’s going to deny it because that’s what most men do when they’re caught. I suggest you really think about how to confront him before actually doing it; try to plan this so you are as calm and rational as possible. It’s almost certainly going to turn into an argument, so you need to prepare for that, but try not to let it degenerate into a screaming match; let him know how you feel, and watch how he reacts. You will probably be able to tell by his reactions and what he says whether your suspicions are correct, even if he keeps denying it. After that, you’ll have to make a decision based on what he says and what you discover; I can’t tell you what the “right” decision is, because you have to decide that for yourself, but one way or another this has to be resolved. As the old song goes, “We can’t go on together with suspicious minds”; either you have to deal with the suspicion, accept the situation or move on from the relationship, because it isn’t fair to either of you for things to continue like this.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
What a sad story. I feel for both of them: her for the deception she’s suffering, and him for being unable to come to terms with his true nature.
I don’t think she needs to talk to him … I think she’s pretty much nailed the situation. I get a lot of digital spam – but I get ZERO gay spam. All of this adds up to something not good for her.
And – I don’t think it’s salvageable. If he’s only getting off on anal – it means he’s projecting his homosexual nature into his sexual relations with her. Now – if it were a woman he were cheating with – it would be different. Men cheat with women just because those women aren’t their wife – it doesn’t mean they don’t love their wife anymore. But when a man cheats with another male – it’s something entirely different – the woman can never compete with that.
This isn’t uncommon – I have two gay friends that are in the gym every morning when I’m in there working out – and each of them are older men who married women – raised a family – and when the birds were out of the nest – divorced to engage in the homosexual lifestyle. They’ve been together now for at least two years – and seem to be monogamous with each other.
She doesn’t say what’s so good about the sex? There are plenty of other men out there who could satisfy her.
She also doesn’t say how old she is. Older women often lament the fact that they have fewer choices when it comes to men – so she might be holding on against all hope with this man just based on that.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for a woman to reach a point in age where she believes that no man looks at her with sexual interest anymore. I’ve heard quite a few close to my own age say that. And it doesn’t seem fair because – even at my age I get quite a bit of interest from women in their early 20’s.
But I would say to those women – don’t give up the ship just yet! A friend of mine – who i graduated High School with, just recently married and seems to be quite happy with her new husband.
I can’t speak for all men – but I STILL eyeball older women – even some girls in their late ’60’s. The woman who took my virginity (she was 35 and I was 17) … I saw her a couple of years ago – approaching 70 … she’s still beautiful to me. I flirted with her at my parents 50th wedding anniversary. I would still make love to her in a heartbeat – and actually offered to … but she just giggled!
I think she needs to move on – unless she really just enjoys the fuck out of anal.
Also – the viagra – it might be a little scary here in that he’s using it to enable him to perform with HER.
Speaking for me – I don’t normally use viagra or any of the other PDE5 inhibitors but …
I know a lot of very nice escorts – who aren’t that good looking but who are just adorably the kindest and sweetest women on the planet. The problem is – I’m not physically attracted to them. And when they repeatedly contact me via email – or drop by the bar I work at to meet me – I know they are fishing for a session with me.
So I HAVE scheduled with those kinds of girls, just to be nice (yeah I hear everyone calling bullshit but no – I actually have – it’s just something in me and I like to make women feel good no matter what they look like) …. and when I go into those sessions I WILL take viagra just to make sure I can perform with them – when I otherwise don’t think I would be able to just due to lack of attraction.
So viagra can … offset a certain level of the lack of sexual desire in the male. In fact, with the exception of when I go to a German FKK (which is where I engage in rapid-fire sex with multiple women) – unattractive women is the ONLY time I use viagra.
She did not specify her age in the letter, but given that she and the boyfriend are both widowed I would say it’s extremely unlikely either of them is below 50. For one partner to be widowed young is rare but does happen, but for two such people to meet and get together nowadays is the stuff of Brady Bunch fantasyland.
It’s heartbreaking. I believe that every woman needs a man and every man needs a good woman at his side to grow old with. I know she’s feeling some of that and, having lost one man – she’s likely to lose this one too.
I have a friend of mine who’s divorced – and though his sex life is off the charts these days – he still misses the company of a woman who’s his “best friend” also. I was at his place recently … I opened the refrigerator and it looked exactly like the one I had when I was a single lad living in the barracks. It was pretty much filthy with only a half empty box of pizza and a quart of milk. I looked at him and he said …
“Yeah, it sucks man – really didn’t expect to be here in my 50’s.”
It also means that both the correspondent and her boyfriend will have grown up when homosexuality was illegal in the US. He may be bisexual or a repressed homosexual, for instance; but their attitudes will have been determined in their youth. I’d say that it takes about 25-30 years, or a generation, for societal attitudes to show significant change.
See my response to your comment below. You can never assume these letters come from the US, because about 66% of them do not. You can’t even assume anything about the races involved from the illustrations, because I use whatever I find that looks good whether or not the race of the individual in the picture matches that of the correspondent (unless that race is a salient point, as it was in a couple of queries from Asian readers).
I try to disguise as many details about questioners as possible without altering the nature of the question, not just to protect their privacy (which is extremely important), but also so people of all countries and races don’t dismiss the problem as something that only applies to “those kind of people” who live “over there”.
Point taken: considers myself chastised. Still, my comment probably applies; that their childhood experiences significantly influence their attitudes today. Which reminds me of a story…
I don’t remember homosexuality being illegal in the U.S.
Unless, of course – you’re referring to one of the plethora of old state laws that haven’t been enforced in ages – but are still on the books.
Even in the military – homosexuality was outlawed – but there was no “criminal” penalty applied to it. Persons discovered simply were administratively discharged.
Many “heteros” in the military used the homosexual route to get out of the military. I’m aware of nuclear power students in the Navy who had second thoughts and just confessed to homosexuality to get out.
It got so bad – we used to joke … “Next guy that claims he’s a homosexual – will be asked to PROVE it!!”
LOL
I don’t remember homosexuality being illegal in the U.S.
Oh, I didn’t realise that. The received knowledge is that it only was decriminalised quite recently. But then there are so many strange US laws, to the extent that they are a common feature in comedy quiz shows in the UK.
I’m not sure what Krulac is thinking of, but homosexual acts were indeed illegal in many US states until the laws were struck down by Lawrence vs. Texas only ten years ago. In fact, one of the candidates in the Virginia governor’s election only a few weeks ago actually tried to re-criminalize them, despite the unconstitutionality of that notion.
Homosexuality was decriminalised here in England in 1967.
So the folks born from about 1957 onwards will have been growing to sexual maturity in a decriminalised environment, but have parents that brand that behaviour as criminal, unless their views were very bohemian/libertarian/critically informed.
So the first generation with “Gay is OK” parents are the folks born from about 1977 onwards. And of course Grandpa and Grandma would still hold their “Nay to Gay” mentality; people take massive shifting from entrenched positions of corporate bullshit (govt/religion/moralistic).
So it really takes the third gen after the decriminalisation for the entrenched societal view to die with the folks that espouse it. In this case that’s 1997, the “Millenials”. Of course that coincides with the AIDS outbreak, so there’s a blip there.
Anybody who is around the fifty mark just now (popularly Generation X, iirc) forms the demographic where mum and dad had likely negative views about homosexuality, and are still living with the stigma originating from the widespread condemnation of that orientation during their formative years.
It’s hardly suprising that they would be twitchy about it, especially if they are male (seems to be less stigma re: female homosexuality; possibly due to more widespread bisexuality in women, and the stereotypical male expectations on that generation of men, which explains the “post family divorce and gayness” being observed).
The masculine stigma of homosexuality, best desribed using Maggie’s favourite analogy as “Gamma-level Sex Ray contagion” not only passing through lead shields, but capable of warping the sexuality of any male nearby, never mind the “innocent”, still appears to hold sway in certain circles; especially the “macho” social groups (Lets say India and Muslims, both notorious for anti-homosexual sentiments, as examples).
Let’s bear in mind that the parents and possibly grandparents of Gen X may still be alive, tho dying out rapidly, and a good chunk of Gen X will have bought the “Nay to Gay” koolaid as well.
I wish the author of the email good luck, but it’s going to be testing times for you both. My guess is that he’s afraid of how it’s going to be if and when you can persuade him to open up and tell you the truth.
Though the stigma is a lot less for Millenials and Generation Z, for the folks in Gen X its still very raw and painful, with bad memories of parochial reactions from both older generations of family, and wider society.
There’s one more thing the letter writer needs to do. Maggie has written about how over 90% of experienced sex workers make their clients use condoms while less than 50% of college-aged women do. While the letter writer’s gay friend is not a woman, and he ought to know better, he is what Maggie would call an “amateur.” For her own safety, she should get tested for HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease her boyfriend might be giving her. If the tests come up negative, I don’t think she should bring them up if she decides to confront her boyfriend about her suspicions, but she should be tested regardless.
Whoa yeah – that’s a biggie. And she’s having sexual intercourse with him in the manner that is most conducive to transmission.
That’s an extremely good point, and one I should have made. Thank you for correcting my omission!
Certainly, your correspondent needs to talk; but beforehand she needs to be clear in her mind about the situation. What’s upsetting her? The deception, the fact that the boyfriend is having a homosexual affair (for it seems pretty clear that he is), his use of Viagra, the changed nature of the relationship? What does she want and expect from the relationship; what will she not accept? And what does she think that the boyfriend wants and expects?
When she’s clear in her own mind, she is prepared for the talk; she should expect the answers that he gives (like a well-trained lawyer), and be able to agree or counter them; and to know her ‘bottom line’.
Generalities, I know; but we don’t know enough about her to know her mind to be able to offer a more concrete response.
(BTW, does Viagra really come in bottles in the US? In the UK, prescriptions come in childproof blister packs.)
I have an international audience; this reader was in neither the UK nor the US. So there’s no telling how Viagra comes in her country.
It depends on the prescription and as far as I can tell, there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason. Most prescriptions, in my experience with two ill & disabled parents, come in bottles. Some of their prescriptions come in blister packs. Maman’s asthma medication comes in a blister pack that she has to load into a special inhaler (Spiriva).
OTC is the same thing. Some come in bottles (esp. pain medications) and others in blister packs (cold medicines, allergy medicines, etc.).
Bottles of meds (really plastic cylinders with lids) have childproof caps in the US, though it is possible to get them without for older people who have trouble with the childproof caps.
My antihistamine comes in a bottle. My decongestant comes in blister packs. My vitamins come in blister packs. My Advil comes in a bottle. My caffeine comes in tea bags, or bottles (of Coke Zero).
In the U.S. many pharmacies buy pills in bulk and then transfer them into little amber “bottles” with a childproof cap.
This is how my Nexium prescription comes – when I care to refill it.
I was just wondering. FWIW, Ireland was the home of Viagra, a single factory (the ‘erection section’) in Cork supplied the world.
http://www.edrugstore.md/blog/erection-health/viagra/where-is-viagra-made
Shit is like gold I guess.
Why does anything need to be done about this at all? What’s the problem?