I am only sexually interested in women that I have some sort of emotional connection to. I am attracted to women who are intelligent and competent adults; it turns me on more to watch a woman do an integral than to watch porn (this may have something to do with my autism). I’m 21, and there are hardly any women who seem interested in long term relationships, and virtually none who are skilled at something. So my sexual preferences seem ill-suited to my environment; I’d almost rather have a fetish for unicorns, because then I could at least paste a horn on a horse and pretend.
But if I can’t get any sort of meaningful relationship, I would at least like to be able to get sex. Though I often have trouble getting an erection with women I don’t know very well, I don’t have any trouble if I’m masturbating, or getting a blowjob or a handjob; the only difficulty is with intercourse. I find PUA works, but I find it unfulfilling, and my experience with it has made me distrustful of women. So I thought maybe I should hire an escort, because at least that way she’s honest about what she is willing to do and what I have to do to get it.
You will probably not be able to get the kind of relationship you’re looking for from escorts, but satisfying your sex drive will make you less tense around women (which is a good thing). Given your strict preferences you’ll need to do more research than the average guy to find a lady that’s right for you, but with a little perseverance you should be able to. Pick-up Artistry is exactly the wrong approach for a man like you; though it does indeed work, it only works on the sort of shallow airhead that you find frustrating and unsatisfing, and that in turn will reinforce your negative perceptions of women (which you definitely don’t need). The fact that you have no erection issues during blow jobs or hand jobs tells me it’s probably tied to performance anxiety, which would also explain why it goes away once you know a woman well. But that’s OK if you’re hiring an escort; just go ahead and enjoy a blow job, and don’t worry about intercourse. Once you get used to a particular lady, you can move on to intercourse at your own pace with no pressure from her.
In the bigger picture, I’ve got good news for you: your main problem is just that you’re just too young, and things will almost certainly get better for you in the next ten years. I realize that may frustrate you, but it should really give you hope because your problem isn’t actually a permanent one. Oh, I don’t mean the autism and its attendant difficulties; I’m afraid I really don’t know much about that, so I hesitate to discuss it from a position of ignorance. No, what I mean is that you seem more interested in mature women, so naturally you will run into more of those as you age. Furthermore, as you yourself age, become more successful in your career, etc you will be more attractive to the kind of women you like; also, the number of men decreases more quickly over time than the number of women, so men in their 30s have noticeably less competition than men of 21. Concentrate on your other (non-relationship) goals, pay for the sex you need to avoid frustration and do all the other things you enjoy alone and with your friends, and over time you will very likely attract a relationship naturally without planning for it or working toward it at all.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
As a man, the ideal combination would be my 40+ year old brain in an 18 year old body. Not that I don’t have fun in my current body, but I look back at myself in my late teens and early 20s and go, “All that fitness and health, what a waste!”
I know you’ll disagree and I make no claim about what attracts you personally but, on average, game actually works the best on smart, educated, confident women. A waitress with an IQ of 90 is generally not going to care about my artful teasing, aloofness, palm reading or whether I called her 1, 2 or 3 days after meeting her, how much interest I’m displaying, and of course my looks. Her interest is usually more basic: whether I’m nice, chivalrous, have a good job, and other “long-term” qualities.
My own experiences have confirmed this repeatedly: the smartest women (the integral-solving kind) are usually the ones that need to be entertained with game and drama the most. God bless the rare exceptions; while I like intelligence too, I find it tiring having to constantly be “en garde” around a woman.
That said, I completely agree that it might not be a good method for someone with autism. It’s easy to apply the wrong kind and amount of game even when you’re adept at reading people, let alone with that kind of baggage, and it really will provide an element of competitiveness/dehumanization that the author really doesn’t need. But the most important thing is that I don’t think he needs game at all: he is already quite successful!
The fact that the author has been able to achieve that much sexual contact with women (including blowjobs) to know what “often” works for him and what doesn’t – and at age 21! – implies that he has more experience that he has mentioned here and/or above-average looks.
I can predict with confidence that his situation will indeed only improve with age and that he’s already off to a good start. When he finds women that match his criteria, I don’t expect he will have problems attracting one of them. He just needs to wait, keep doing what he’s doing to become more relaxed about it, and of course keep up being selective.
A lot of “Game” using guys do believe what you’ve said, but I must remind you that education is not sexual self-confidence and intelligence is not wisdom. Women who respond to “Game” don’t know their own sexual value, and the number of degrees they have has nothing to do with that.
I can easily agree with that. Still, it deepens the question to the next level: is the problem of educated women who only get aroused by game (you’ll admit there are plenty of them, at least) that they have A) too much confidence, or B) too little?
I.e., if a narcissist acts with overconfidence to hide the low sense of self-worth, should we rather say A) that he/she needs to be brought down a notch or B) that he/she needs a confidence boost?
I believe that by relentlessly pushing the “women just need more self-confidence” slogan and thus opting for the latter option (B), modern feminism has played a great joke on us all there.
Thus, I think that you’re completely right when you say it… but the woman who can’t get aroused without copious amounts of game is not – even though you’re both saying the same words.
Hope this was not too confusing to read 🙂
What is “game”?
“Game” is more or less this philosophy. I’m agnostic about the degree to which it works.
Ahh – the true scotsman argument. Heavily disguised, but that is what this is. If a woman is receptive to “game” then she isn’t intelligent *by definition*, because we have redefined ‘intelligent’ to mean precisely that. 😛
I find it fascinating how threatened men are by women who know their sexual value, and even MORE threatened by women who tell the truth about it.
So we follow up a True Scotsman with an ad-hominem. You talk about men threatened by the truth of a woman’s sexual value, clearly directed at me; but I will not descend to the level of talking about women so “threatened” by the possibility that PUA game might actually work on people like themselves that they start sputtering and using bogus arguments.
That, that would be just wrong. I’m choosing to take the high ground, here.
Oh, good grief. Try your silly “game” on an experienced whore and see if it gets you anything more than a card or an invitation to visit her website. Women who know their value, know their value. And they can’t easily be tricked or manipulated into giving valuable services away for free, any more than any other successful businessperson could be.
I was about to argue, but looking back at the comment thread I see we don’t actually disagree. Ignis said “game works on intelligent women”, and your initial reply was “that’s not the same a same woman who knows her value”. Yup, totally. Even the OP makes a similar point: the using game was “unfulfilling”.
Hmm. The original comment sparking this disagreement was “it only works on the sort of shallow airhead that you find frustrating and unsatisfing”. I suppose it’s down to what we mean by “airhead”.
Tangentially – abusive religious cults are often packed with bright professional people. Their BAs in business studies, their skill in technical fields, does not render them immune to psychological manipulation. The world is full of dumb smart people. I suspect I may be one of them.
Unfortunately, Western society in general and American society in particular pretend that academic achievement = intelligence, and that intelligence equals or supersedes wisdom, experience, self-awareness and pretty much everything else. This is especially true among soi-disant feminists, most of whom seem to imagine that a degree can and should stand in place of every feminine (and even human) virtue from grace to beauty to empathy to leadership to intellectual courage. To me an “airhead” is one with no substance, even if she has a degree and/or a high IQ. And a shallow person is one whose concerns are superficial. The only thing that stops someone like Melissa Farley from being described as a “shallow airhead”, despite her PhD, is the fact that her head isn’t empty; it’s crammed solid with hate. But “shallow” certainly applies to her and to all neofeminists, because their lives are dedicated to establishing a superficial appearance of “feminism” which would leave 99% of women both powerless and desperately unhappy.
Obviously I’m not equating feminists with women who respond to “Game”, but they both share a lack of substance which allows them to be easily manipulated by one sort of rhetoric or another.
I have a different take on this based on my experience when I was a teenager.
He’s describing performance anxiety …
He has no problem with blow jobs because he knows he doesn’t have to “perform” for the woman. He doesn’t have to work to please her. What he’s worried about is that he’ll get inside and then not be able to satisfy the girl – and then she will see his weakness. This just leads to self-prophesied failure.
When I was a teenager – I was exactly the same. My upbringing taught me to put women on a pedestal and, to a very great extent I was in awe of girls. They were hot – I wanted them – but I thought they were too smart to go for the “wham bam” … therefore I concluded I had to have a “relationship” with the girl before I could do anything. I never really had a problem getting it up back then – but I do remember my dick wasn’t “fire and forget” back then – I had to concentrate hard to keep it working.
I have always been a fairly big and muscular guy – and I was always afraid my appearance suggested that I was some super-human “Conan” who could ride a girl all night and fuck her senseless. Back then, I didn’t see myself this way and was afraid the girl would think … “Shit – I thought that big motherfucker would know what he’s doing but he was a terrible lay!” The fact that, when you are young – you tend to blow like Mount Pinatubo when the wind blows doesn’t make things easier. You find yourself concentrating on keeping erect – and when that’s not a problem you find yourself thinking about dogshit or something disgusting just to keep from cumming too soon. And – if the girl is HOT – that’s even harder to do.
Didn’t have the problem with girls I was “in love” with – because the sex happened naturally. Also – when you believe the girl loves you – you tend to believe that she’ll overlook any inadequacy – which to a certain extent is true.
So it’s always much easier to “make love” to a woman than to fuck one.
I think the reason that he’s attracted to nerdy women is because all of us men believe that nerdy women aren’t that experienced at sex – so they’re less judgmental when you sleep with them.
PUA (I’m assuming this means “Pick Up Artist”) works because the girl is a stranger and he’ll never see her again. When I was in Hawaii – there were all kinds of tourist girls coming on the island and they all wanted to get laid before they went home. These girls were easy for me – I’d never see ’em again so what if I failed? I never did – even under the toughest conditions (I remember a situation with a Catholic high school girl, who was 18 and on a senior trip with her class. I took her on the floor of a hotel room with her two roommates sleeping on the beds and the school chaperones sleeping in the room next door). I even went to the airport with her the next morning and boy – you should have seen the dirty looks the chaperones gave me – they knew what I had done!!
But I do remember a Navy gal – and she came on to me. She knew everyone on my submarine and the first time I banged her – I was terrified she’d tell everyone on the boat that I sucked. I made it a goal to last for ten minutes and … I did. Then we did it three more times the next morning and a couple more that night and by then – I knew I had given her a good go and wasn’t worried about what she told people. Whatever she said to the other girls on the sub base – it must have been good since their attitude changed toward me and they started flirting with me more.
Eventually – you come to the conclusion that women are human just like men – and, especially young ones, have hormones that cyclically shoot them into “take me now” mode.
Just relax – it’s not a contest … understand this and it eventually becomes easy.
I totally agree that the brain is the biggest deal. But that just means you need to look elsewhere. They’re out there, don’t worry about that.
Agreed that it’s probably performance anxiety. One partial solution: get good with your hands. You don’t have a vicious cycle that way. Even if you’re feeling a little off yourself, you can do a good job…. and so you’ll know you can do well, which will help with your performance.
It only took a lot of women for me. A lot of women are reserved – but I “dated” a lot of very open girls – girls who would tell me shit that was in their heads. The Navy girl I mention above – I remember what she told me after we had sex the first time – she cuddled up and first thing out of her mouth was “What do you think about when you jack-off?” I’m like … “whoa, that’s a strange question … but next time I do it I’ll be thinking about YOU for sure!”
Another girl had vampire/rape fantasies and dreams.
Another girl … no shit – she had WET dreams and I’d wake up to her to moaning … totally asleep – and the bed totally wet with her vaginal secretions. And I’m talking a “puddle” here! First time it happened – I no-shit thought she was some kind of space alien it was that surreal.
Another girl – wanted to “fall asleep” with me in her mouth. She tried it for almost an hour before giving up.
Another girl wanted me to rape her – which I couldn’t do – but she got off on master / slave roleplay.
I had a girlfriend that went for sex in semi-public (sometimes public) places. This was all driven by her – not me. At first I was scared shitless – but I got into it eventually – especially seeing how it turned her on.
Had a date with a girl once – I had already had several dates with her – she was supposed to meet me in my barracks room – she was late … like an hour late. When she showed up … she said … “I’m late and I want to lick your dick!” And she dropped to her knees right then and there in my barracks room (my roommates weren’t there but I had a glass front window and other guys off the boat walked by and peeked in while she did it.
Eventually I learned that girls can have just as fucked-up fantasies as we guys do. This, for me, made them human and not so much “Queens of the Universe” as I had pictured them before in my mind.
No – they aren’t like guys and they don’t think about sex all the time – but boy, when the moment hits them – or at least a lot of them – they can get really single-minded when it comes to sex.
Another girl … no shit – she had WET dreams and I’d wake up to her to moaning … totally asleep – and the bed totally wet with her vaginal secretions. And I’m talking a “puddle” here! First time it happened – I no-shit thought she was some kind of space alien it was that surreal.
It’s not rare for females to climax while sleeping, at least a few times during their life.
That may be – but I’ve been with many and she’s the only one I’ve caught at it!
Aloofness, palm reading etc doesn’t work with the smarter, better educated Asian women where I am.
Conversations tend to be more in the line of “What do you do? Are you a doctor?”, “What kind of car do you drive?” and “Did you get that offer for the Platinum credit card the other day? I was so tempted.”
To learn to enjoy escorts, you first have to learn to relax and understand that she has no expectations of you other than you pay her fee and are reasonably polite and civilised. After that, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Performance anxiety seems a good place to start; I’d guess that it’s also reinforced by the autism/Aspergers. I don’t claim to be an expert on Aspergers, but people with it do seem to have lots of problems with relationships. They don’t seem to have the ’emotional intelligence’ that most adults have; they may not be able to recognise the emotional signals that a woman (or man) is giving out; they can’t “read” them. What most people simply intuit may be impossible for them.
I guess part of the solution is simply to talk, and to ask; if you don’t understand, don’t let it pass, ask. And if she responds by saying why, perhaps honesty is the best policy, tell her what your problem is. I think you’d be surprised by just how many women would by empathetic. And why wouldn’t they be so?
(Incidentally, most here are probably aware of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night, a novel with Aspergers as one of its themes. [The title is a pun on a line in the Sherlock Holmes story ‘Silver Blaze’.] If you can, watch The Bridge, a Danish-Swedish TV co-production. One character, Saga, has Aspergers, though this is never spelled out. Anyhow, she now has her b/f living with her; but she still has to read books about relationships, and how to have them. She’s really not very good at relationships, the b/f is, so far, very accommodating.)
I remember reading something a Hindu guru wrote (when I was a kid) … and he claimed that one of the purposes of life was to conquer your fears and inadequacies.
And THAT has always stuck with me. Whether it was girls … or surfing big waves in Hawaii – or speaking in front of large audiences … or whatever … if I feared it … I forced myself to do it just to conquer the fear.
Never accept … “Well I can only do this IF …” or … “Well I can’t do this at all” … you must conquer it and make it your mission to do so.
The guru’s thoughts are fair enough; but you’ve got to add a dash of realism, sadly. Positive thinking is fine, but there are limits. Suppose you want to be the fastest at both the 100 metres and the marathon. Alas, it’s not possible; real athletes have muscle biopsies these days to see if they are built for sprint or speed.
Here, it’s a bit more complex; the chap has autism and it seems difficulty with emotional connections. Many men have this; many women seem to be able to read a man’s mind—I’ve certainly had mine read enough times, but I can’t read theirs. I can only suggest that the original questioner reads some books about relationships (like Saga) and, when he thinks the girl might feel comfortable around him, be honest about his limitations. Of course, if she is any good, she will know this already.
Agreed with everything said here, although I would also add that there *are* some intelligent escorts out there. Finding one of those might help you enjoy the escort experience more since that’s what you’re looking for, and it is possible to form some level of emotional bond with an escort.
You can usually get at least a rough idea of how smart an escort is by reading her ad… Answering ads not littered with spelling errors and silly CaPitaLiZ8tion is always a good start. 😉
Amen to what Suzy said. I myself have seen two providers now, and while I don’t know if either one is up to speed on integral calculus, both were very smart ladies. I think anyone who does sex work for any length of time, in our prohibitionist environment, has to have something on the ball, else she’d be getting arrested or axe-murdered all the time. Regrettably, not an easy way to make a living.
@Jim: ” . . . or axe-murdered all the time.”
Only takes one time.
Excellent point. 🙂
As Bugs Bunny once said, “I don’t mind being dunked in boiling oil. A certain amount of oil is good for your skin. Even beheading isn’t so bad once you get used to it.”
Hi Maggie, new reader here, really enjoying catching up on all the old posts. A general question: I’ve occasionally noticed you using statistics factoids that I’m not entirely sure whether to trust – the one that struck me here was ” the number of men decreases more quickly over time than the number of women, so men in their 30s have noticeably less competition than men of 21″ – so I was wondering where you get these numbers from? Thanks.
This is not a controversial statement; it’s a well-known demographic principle. Here is the second item from the first Google search I tried; I’m sure you can find many more just like it.
The numbers seem nonsensical to me, because they assume you only have to compete against other guys (or gals) in your own age bracket. Everyone who wants the same thing you do is in competition with you.
Thanks, I must admit that wasn’t something I was aware of. I knew women had a higher life-expectancy but not that there was actually a higher proportion of them at all ages.
I wouldn’t say that it’s a question of demographics (although that undeniably helps – just look at Russia!) as much as a question of overall attractiveness.
A 30 year old man is (on average) vastly more accomplished, experienced, confident, wealthy and of a higher status than a 21 year old, AND he is still at the peak of his physical abilities and as well.
As an additional bonus, because women generally prefer men slightly older than them (but almost never younger), he still has the option to date 20-25 year olds in addition to 25-30 year olds, whereas the 21 year old man will often automatically be discarded if he tries to go for a 25-30 year old woman.
I don’t see that he’s interested in more mature women. A person who can’t do an integral doesn’t pick up the knack simply by dint of becoming older.
I’d suggest that this relatively young bloke read a book or two that isn’t math/science/geek culture. Politics, art, history, world affairs – broaden his mind a bit. There’s plenty of satisfyingly intelligent women out there, but not a lot of them are specifically into math and the physical sciences. By adopting other interests, he’ll have a much broader pool of women that he might like and with whom he has something in common to talk about.