My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, but after a couple of years together I went on the pill and it completely killed my previously-high sex drive; during the 3 years I was on it I could probably count the number of times we had sex. Once I realized the cause of the problem I stopped taking the pill and our sex life improved dramatically. The problem is that my boyfriend become afraid to initiate sex with me during those years, so he always waits for me to initiate it; however, I’m sexually submissive and really want him to lead. How can I boost his confidence after three years of making it worse?
Since it seems to me that you and your boyfriend are very honest with one another, I think the direct approach is called for here. Explain to him that now you’re off the pill, you’ve returned to normal…and that “normal” for you means enjoying being the submissive partner. Promise him that you won’t turn him down unless you’re really sick or something, and encourage him to be the aggressor. Also, it won’t hurt if you play up how excited you get when he takes the initiative; yes, it’s a bit dishonest but think of it as a “white lie” which will help to make him more confident and thereby result in better sex for both of you. I’m sure you’ll eventually be able to dispense with it once he realizes that you really, truly do want him to be the sexually dominant one, because once he gets the hang of it he’ll see the results in your natural responses. And I suspect it won’t take all that long for him to learn.
You answered my questions about heterosexual male escorts in “Vice Versa” and I’ve done a lot of research since then, but I have a follow-up question: If you personally were to pay for a male escort, what is the #1 service you would like him to deliver to you?
I literally cannot even imagine a situation in which I would conceivably pay a man for sex. That’s just completely alien to me, not only because I could easily get a man to pay me for any sex or company I might want, but also because I don’t experience spontaneous sexual desire in the way some women do, much less the way guys do. And if I don’t need or even really want something, why in the world would I spend good money on it?
When a prostitute sleeps with a physically attractive (to her) client, does she enjoy the sex more or is it just a better-than-average work day?
Attraction and sexual pleasure are more complicated for women than for men, and more complicated still for whores. Clients who are attractive and know it can often be a huge pain, because they imagine it should get them some sort of bonus or special treatment. So while it’s absolutely true that some work sex is more enjoyable than other work sex, the reason may or may not have anything to do with a client’s attractiveness; it could be due to the way he treats the escort, a rapport they have, or something even less definable.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
The pill …
I sometimes see a call girl and she tells me she’s not on the pill. I asked why and she said it kills her sex drive. I told her … “Why care? You’re a girl – all you have to do is show up with a good attitude”.
Well – according to her (and I keep thinking this is complete bullshit) … but she says her sex drive helps her to “get into” the sex and enjoy it more – and she says she’s a better escort when she’s “worked up” and having a good time.
I’d completely dismiss this … except for the fact that she makes “demands” on me when we have sex. Shit like … “Change the angle a bit … wait … oh yeah … that’s the spot … keep going.” She’s a fair skinned blonde with a big ass and she gets really flush and sweaty … and wet. When she’s on top … she just kinds of “locks in” and lays down on me – I can’t see shit – her hair is in my face and she just goes at me like she’s masturbating on a male doll or something – or like I’m not even there … except for the part she’s interested in.
If I finish too soon – she gets visibly disappointed … and by “too soon” – shit, I’m talking like 15 minutes.
Afterwards … she feels she needs to do a “hot wash” of the whole act. “I really liked when you were on top!” Or … “when you did that to me – I wasn’t totally warmed up so next time take a little longer with foreplay.” She tells me about this “Iranian Lover” she used to have and how he could feel when she was about to cum … and he would stop and change positions and interrupt her “flow” to prolong her agony – which she loved. So she chastised me for not doing that. I’m like … “Shit – usually if a girl is on the edge – I just try to push her over.” But that might be the way I’ve adjusted to older women, because the ones I’ve been with – if you get them there and back off – they sometimes get angry and can’t orgasm. This girl is 23 though – so maybe I’ve forgotten a thing or two about younger women.
Anyway – strange hooker. Hot as hell though and I really don’t mind all the shit she puts me through – but it IS different.
Rather than an open-ended “initiate and I won’t turn you down”, perhaps a sex date might work. “Initiate this wednesday and I won’t turn you down”.
I think she should just tell her husband … “Problem Solved”. She should just tell him that she’s willing to have sex with him whenever he wants to. Tell him her body belongs to him and she loves when he “takes” her – whenever, to satisfy his lust. Tell him … “Hey, I’m like the lawnmower … I just sit in the garage until you come and pull my “starter” … and then I will sure mow your fuckin’ grass Mister!”
Some of this is probably “young dude” issues too. Young guys tend to believe that if the girl doesn’t pounce on them (on her own) every now and then that it must mean she’s not attracted to him.
The problem is – some women … maybe a lot of women … are averse to initiating things themselves. It sounds bad … but men have to learn to look at themselves as the “hunter” and women as “the hunted”. You have to temper this with your human intelligence and morality though – and don’t take it to the point where you force yourself on a woman who genuinely doesn’t want you to. This means you have to be a really, really good hunter and know the signs – like the look in her eye.
It’s not as easy for us as it is in the animal world. Take a stallion around a mare in heat, and she will immediately drop and urinate to signal she’s receptive.
With women – you have to look at their eyes and it means you have to take the first leap of faith. I just usually stare deeply at a woman’s eyes with either a fascinated look … or a hungry look (fascinated or rather “captivated” look works better with women you don’t know). If she averts her eyes quickly and tries to ignore you – then look somewhere else. But if she holds your glance for a second or two … and does something with her mouth (like parting her lips slightly or some other trick) … or if she cocks her head while you’re looking at her – go for the layup my man!
I like the ones that will hold your eyes for as long as you look at them. And you can read their minds just through their eyes and their facial expression … “Yeah … you want me don’t you boy? Well, I’m ready, if you’re brave enough to try – I’m not afraid of you in the least.”
Unfortunately – it takes a while for guys to learn this … did me anyway.
Krulac, although it’s possible that Maggie deliberately changed details to conceal the letter writer’s identity, the woman with the libido problems referred to her lover as her “boyfriend”, not her husband.
Sorry about that – but they aren’t they interchangeable?
It’s a minor nitpick. The boyfriend won’t have to worry about alimony (or will he?) if the relationship breaks up, though and they don’t have kids.
Why would a woman pay a male escort? Usually it involves romantic simulation or at least some form of validation. This is cheaper than ending up with a male gold-digger.
One of my associates had a boss who was involved with a much younger man; she was warned by her friends that she was being played, that he was only interested in her for her money, but she insisted that it was “real”.
After she had given him lots of financial assistance, he abruptly disappeared one day (apparently back to his home country). Not so much as a goodbye.
As far as I can ascertain, many sex workers enjoy their work, others are indifferent, and for still others, its just a job. When I was a kid sometime in the late 70′s, I read a book…I think it was titled “Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask” or something like that. Anyway, the author stated that what all prostitutes had in common was that they hated men, later in the book he says many prostitutes retire and get married, which seemed to contradict what he said earlier. Some time after that, I read “The Happy Hooker” by Xaviera Hollander, a former NYC madam who was busted and deported from the US. According to her memoirs, she really enjoyed the sex and loved her work. So I guess it just depends and if the girl is good at her job, you wouldn’t know either way. Apparently, some women do pay for sex but it done more subtle and indirectly than the way men go about it.
One of the most significant and defining characteristics of ‘our’ societies is sexual behavior. Sex serves purposes other than reproduction such as appeasement, affection, social status, erotic games, reconciliation, excitement, and stress reduction (de Waal 1997)
Remove the word ‘our’ and replace it with bonobo. It would be very funny if it wasn’t so sad.
Maggie, for you:
http://www.theatlanticpost.com/asia/korea/sex-workers-south-korea-7959.html
I’m glad that essay mentions Matthias; he did a lot of good work in bringing the real views of Korean sex workers to the West to counter rescue industry fairy tales.
How have you been? You haven’t dropped by in a while.
Reader: “You answered my questions about heterosexual male escorts in “Vice Versa” and I’ve done a lot of research since then, but I have a follow-up question: If you personally were to pay for a male escort, what is the #1 service you would like him to deliver to you?”
Blog Mistress: “I literally cannot even imagine a situation in which I would conceivably pay a man for sex.”
– I could. In fact my female friends and I were discussing just that last week. We discussed how many of the partners we’ve had, while being “ok” in bed, just were not skillful or knowledgeable or open enough to deliver mind blowing experiences and how men who have been trained in Daoist sex techniques (or what goes by the term “tantra sex” in the West also) are the most desirable and pleasurable partners sexually. One of the ladies revealed that she was considering propositioning a Daoist trained “energy worker” for this very purpose, though she’s at a loss to how to broach the subject with him. She’s never experienced multiple orgasms with any of her sexual partners and she really wants to have that experience.
There’s also this place out in California where women can go and pay to be pleasured by men trained in the “orgasmic meditation” technique.
http://onetaste.us/
. Technically this is “sex work” but as the founder of it is a popular TED speaker (you can see the founder Nicole Daedone’s TED talk on youtube) I guess its not looked at as such. Nicole makes the case that the female orgasm is the answer to world peace! (she may be onto something).
“That’s just completely alien to me, not only because I could easily get a man to pay me for any sex or company I might want”
– Right but would he be a skillful lover and would he know methods of bringing you mind blowing pleasure? Most men are not highly skilled lovers and most don’t know methods of bringing women to multiple orgasm, what to speak of cosmic consciousness in bed.
“but also because I don’t experience spontaneous sexual desire in the way some women do, much less the way guys do.”
– A skilled lover knows how to arouse. That’s the point behind paying someone specifically trained in the erotic arts and sciences.
With most women in the world relegated to having mediocre sex with unskilled men, there could possibly be a HUGE market for classy, cultured, Daoist/Tantra trained male escorts.
It would just have to be packaged in a “respectable” new age fashion like One Taste has managed to do.
In fact, this may be the path to decriminalizing sex work in the States!
Pardon me while I laugh my arse off.
Sounds like a moron client (not all clients are morons, but some of them…)
They look at us like machines of identical manufacture. If they push the right button and stimulate the “right” areas, it’ll make us come. “Mind-blowing pleasure,” what a vanity, total male ego right there! I’ve had a zillion orgasms in my life, and none of them “blew my mind.”
Men don’t understand (for VERY predictable reasons) that, in general, women become aroused and come…when we want to come. Attraction and willingness has a lot to do with it. Men don’t get it.
Maggie is speaking the truth. Women are loath to admit to men “how many orgasms she gets are an indicator of how healthy the relationship is. Women compete for alpha wealthy men; not men who give them orgasms. “Mind blowing sex”. Really? I have had mind blowing sex….but….no way would I ever pay for that. As a woman, if I ‘had’ to pay, it would not be mind blowing; it would be ‘ick’. If wealthy women “pay” for anything it is companionship. Society still stigmatizes women who are “alone”, or “cat ladies”. The MGTOW blogs are full of men making fun of these women. What the men don’t understand is the woman might be lonely; but sex isn’t her first concern. Frankly she might like her cats more than having a pain in the ass man around pestering her for sex.
Hi. Thank you for putting this up. I’ve just come to meet someone and he’s crazy about me. He doesn’t know that I’m a courtesan. I don’t want to tell him because I wouldn’t know how to and I wouldn’t want to cause unnecessary damage.
What advice could you give me here ? It’s really something difficult to deal with and I don’t want to hurt or shock him.