I was a sex worker in the 1980s. My abusive ex-husband used this against me to legally kidnap my two daughters, and of course poisoned them against me. Well, my now-middle-aged daughter contacted me recently after many years; she is angry at me for “bringing disgusting men into our apartment” and wants to know how I could “do such a thing”. At the same time, she expressed concern and compassion and practically apologized for hurting me. I know this comes from my ex and the cultural stigma around sex work, but I don’t know what to say to her. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
This is a very tough situation, and I’m sorry you are having to go through this for a chance at healing the rift with your daughter. I think the best way to start a dialogue with her would be to write her a letter or email, briefly explaining that because of stigma a lot of lies are told about our work, and it’s actually not the horrible thing she imagines. You can then include some links to a few good resources, so if she really wants to understand she can read or watch those resources in her own time and without all the emotion that would certainly result if you tried to explain it yourself, especially since she does not trust you. Tell her that you have never stopped loving her and would like a relationship with her, and that you think this is the best way to help her understand. If you try to explain it yourself, she’ll just keep interrupting and you will get upset, and nothing will be accomplished. But if she is at least introduced to the idea that sex work is not what she thinks it is, I think you’ll have a lot better chance of getting her to listen to you. The initial message has to come from someone she doesn’t know, who has no motivation to lie. My blog is one resource, but I’m sure you can find others (videos and such) which will help. If you need, I can suggest resources that specifically focus on the issue of courts abducting sex workers’ kids. Also: this has got to be stressful for you; do you have any friends who know your past, who can support you through this? You need to have someone you can trust close by.
Good luck, and please let me if I can help in any other way.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I started reading your blogs and buying your books because I could not find these resources anywhere else. Everywhere else sex-work and woman liberation, liberation in general is being shut down. It is nice to know you could give the woman some comfort in her trial. I think the daughter should read your first book. It will blow her mind and make her love her mother more. You know my mother is living in South America, doing a lot of things to stay a float in economic systems that eat dirt. I am 30 and I thank my stars for her, even if for 4 years out of my life she had to give a little skin for me to eat. Now I wish she would stop traveling and just let me help her out a bit. She is prideful you know. Reading this made me miss my mother and I call her all the time and send her money when I can, I am a starving artist, but there was a time when we had it all and it came from her sweat and blood, and family understanding one another. Understanding it takes work to keep a roof over your head. Sex work is real work.
I thought your letter was beautiful