My husband and I are quite happy together, but in the last few years his sexual interest in me has really dropped off. He’s in excellent health and physical shape and performs perfectly when we do have sex, and he’s still quite affectionate; he just doesn’t want sex nearly as often as I do. How can I get him interested again?
Have you ever heard of the Coolidge Effect? It’s a biology term named for a story (possibly apocryphal) about president Calvin Coolidge. He and the First Lady were visiting an experimental farm, and split up to tour different areas. Mrs. Coolidge reached the chickens first, and upon being told that there was only one rooster for several dozen hens she quipped, “Tell that to Mr. Coolidge.” When he was told, the president asked if it was not true that the rooster could mate with any of the hens he liked; upon receiving the affirmative reply, he said “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.” When presented with a female of his species, a male animal will repeatedly try to mate with her; after he accomplishes it a few times, though, he loses interest…yet will immediately attempt coupling with a new female. This is Nature’s way of maximizing sexual potential; remember, to Her sex is only for procreation, and our enjoyment of it is just Her little trick to get us to do it a lot. Even when we’re using birth control, our hindbrains still act as though sex will probably result in babies, and so human males – like their brethren in the lower orders – will eventually tire of the same female. Remember, this is biology, and has nothing at all to do with his love for you; he probably doesn’t even consciously realize that he’s less interested, and may be putting it down to overwork or whatever.
My suggestion is that you try to trick that portion of his brain into believing you’re a different woman. I know that sounds absurd, but remember we’re talking about pre-conscious brain activity here, not conscious thought. This is why new lingerie often turns a husband on: since he’s not used to seeing you in it, the primitive brain may be fooled into thinking you’re not the same female he’s mated with before. Think back on your years of experience, and try to remember stuff that seems to turn him on; for example, if you’re a brunette and you’ve caught him checking out redheads, a red wig might light a fire. If he seems to perk up when some chick on TV sports a bustier, try that. If there’s something (like blow jobs) you know he likes a lot, but which has fallen out of your usual repertoire, put it back in. Even watching porn together works for a lot of couples in your situation. Let me know what you come up with, and how it works; there may be some other things we can try, but I suspect this is the most likely culprit.
When we were dating, my wife seemed happy to give me blow jobs, but now she won’t do it unless I beg and even then resents that I ask; this despite the fact that she needs me to go down on her every time we have sex, or she can’t come. But if I even hint about reciprocity, she acts as if I’m the worst person in the world. Our lives together are otherwise fine, but I really like getting head and she knows that; I still cannot get her to blow me without acting like there’s a gun to her head. Is there any way to get her to do this for me willingly?
The short answer, I’m sorry to say, is “no”. Your situation is not unlike that of the questioner I answered in “On a Mountaintop”, though his wife wouldn’t give him any kind of sex. Your wife has been taught that (basically) only her needs matter, and you should be happy with whatever you get. Other than hookers, I’m afraid your only chance is marriage counseling…and that often causes more problems than it solves. I really wish I could give you a happier answer, but I’ve heard this sort of thing so very many times you wouldn’t believe it. Alas, for many women, giving a man sex which he likes but they don’t is nothing but bait for their hooks. And once the fish is on the hook, they see no point in re-baiting it.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I’d try to find out what it is about blowjobs she hates so much, and to be more specific whether the introduction of condoms (flavored or otherwise) would cure the issue. (Of course, then you might no longer care about getting a blowjob.) Not to say I don’t think she should make the effort, but if she truly hates it it’s going to be hard to get her to fake enthusiasm.
I’ve often been pretty harsh on the “no sex from me, and no sex from anyone else” wives who we occasionally read about. To me, it’s morally wrong for a wife to tell her husband, “You are never going to have sex again unless I die in an unfortunate accident.”
However, I do think that there is a certain amount of negotiation about individual sex acts in a monogamous relationship, because if you are going to make a commitment to monogamy, then as a man I think you are saying, “love is more important to me than complete sexual satisfaction.” (The flip side is… a lot of women expect monogamy even from men who aren’t into it,.) Monogamy isn’t fair, but it beats loneliness which is why people put in the effort.
As to the first woman, in her case I disagree with her husband. He should be putting in the work to make her feel sexually appreciated even if the fires have damped down a bit. He should be grateful that she’s still into sex with him (consider the horror stories of the women who turn frigid referenced above) and should make her feel desired. Of course, there are a few possibilities about what’s going on:
1. Erectile Dysfunction: Guys are ashamed of this, and get upset when it happens with their partners. Nowadays science has pretty much determined it’s mostly a physiological problem (reversing course from decades where they basically told unfortunate men that it was all in their heads), but guys still think of it as a personality problem.
2. New Girlfriend: Very unfortunate, but he might be directing his affections elsewhere. Since he hasn’t left, that would mean he’s trying to eat his cake and have it too. So… even in this case, he should still be making the effort to make his wife feel appreciated, unless he’s planning on leaving. Heck, I’d argue that it’s more important to make her feel loved and sexually desired if he is a cad, since he likes the other things about the relationship.
The woman’s original letter was much longer; neither of those explanations is credible for reasons I can’t explain without divulging more detail than she wants me to divulge.
Ah, ok. Those were just some ideas that came to mind.
Perhaps this is in the details of the BJ letter, but could it possibly be his hygiene? Surely alerting the wife “I’m going to take a shower”, and then afterwards, saying “Hunny….I’m in the mood” might come off much better knowing she’ll have a clean working unit.
No, definitely not that.
If she truly hates BJ, then she should have said so before they married. Offering it as “bait” is, in my opinion, totally despicable. (Yes I know women do it all the time.)
To me it is the same as a male (say) doctor marrying a woman and immediately giving up medicine to become a painter (the artistic kind) without ever mentioning this intention before the marriage. Not illegal or even really immoral but I doubt the wife will see it that way.
That’s an excellent comparison, but of course those who sympathize with the sort of woman who behaves that way will claim otherwise.
As far as the wife who won’t give BJs and resents it when asked. Have you tried bribery? Say doing that chore she hates or giving her a gift certificate to a spa.
He said he can get her to do it, but even then she acts like there’s a gun to her head.
any sexual union is a balance of power. avarice has nothing to do with pleasing a woman. most men couldn’t explain the difference between sex and romance, and that’s a problem.
The first couple could also try turning off the lights (if they haven’t already); that accentuates the other senses. She also could use a new perfume etc. It doesn’t all have to be visual.
speaking of chickens… roosters have stopped doing their courtship dance for the hens and just take without asking. It’s actually very interesting that they’ve been losing a critical behavior needed for hens to become receptive and have turned into rapists in an unnatural environment
Temple Grandin wrote that rapist roosters arose due to “single trait genetic selection” by poultry breeders, rather than the environment as such.
http://www.grandin.com/inc/animals.make.us.human.ch7.html
Thanks for clarifying it wasn’t environment… it’s still very strange that they would lose their courtship dance
This looks to be a very interesting book, and has me rooting for the cultured meat people even more than before.
Also, if ever I decide to get a pet, I’ll be getting this book first.
Getting back to the first letter…it may be true that women are more likely to not want to have sex with willing male partners, but that should not let guys off the hook. Even if a husband because of aging or the Coolidge Effect has trouble getting sexually aroused by his partner, if she wants to have sex he ought to at least try or find some other way to show that he still gives a damn about her.
One of the most insightful statements about marriage came from Bill Mahr. He said that the reason that so many Hollywood relationships fall apart is simple—that both of them “get tired of f***ing each other.” He went on to say that if relationships are like aircraft and the only fuel keep that plane aloft is sexual attraction, then sooner or later the plane is going to crash.