Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down. – Stevie Nicks, “Dreams”
This was not an easy essay to write, which is why I put it off for as long as I did. But the events of the last few months made the writing of it an absolute necessity; there’s been a lot of gossip, and a lot of speculation, and I’m sure many of you have suspected something like this for some time now. I don’t know how to say this in any way but plainly, so here goes: My husband and I are getting a divorce.
Now, this isn’t as sudden a development as you might think; a wise and perceptive person might have seen the signs as early as 2007, within a year of my retiring from sex work. Maybe my retirement changed some of the subtle alchemy of my appeal; maybe it was just the Coolidge Effect. Or maybe it’s just that, though I’m an easy person to love, I’m damned hard to live with. I have a tendency to be moody, paranoid and set in my ways; I’m also emotionally intense, incredibly stubborn and often unreasonable, and I tend to get my way all the time without directly demanding it. He had fallen in love with a glamorous, mysterious enchantress, and perhaps once the bloom was off the rose he began to realize what a damned thorny plant he was holding in his lacerated hand. And once the money troubles started again the following year (due to the economic crash), I reckon he felt enough was enough; he asked me for a divorce in October of 2008.
To say that I did not take it well would be putting it mildly; “psycho” would probably be closer to an honest appraisal. The only thing I have to say in my defense is, consider how you would feel if you were a woman who had made her living by being attractive to men, and the one man you had broken your own rules for suddenly rejected you. I felt as though I had been kicked in the teeth, and reacted accordingly. He did not expect such an extreme reaction on my part (because men, bless your little hearts, never do understand women even after spending years with one), and backed down from the request; once again I had got my way. We spent a stormy two years until he asked for divorce again just a few months after I started this blog; that time we went to marriage counseling, and for about a year and a half it really looked like things were improving (my interview with him was near the beginning of this stretch of reconciliation).
But by the end of 2012 the relationship started to unravel again, this time in slow motion. We didn’t argue at all; in fact we were generally quite friendly on the phone, and he always enthusiastically supported my work. But he had maintained a second residence (for work) since the summer of 2010, and began to spend much more time there than he did at home. He was here for only two separate one-week periods in 2013, one in April and the other in July; he made excuses about why he couldn’t come home for Christmas that year, and the only time I spent with him in the whole of last year was a single night when I toured through San Diego. So it really wasn’t much of a surprise when he asked for a divorce again about a month after I got home from the tour, and this time I agreed. He insisted on giving me terms more generous than any I had a right to expect; he wasn’t even in a rush, and suggested we do the actual paperwork sometime in the next year (we’ve since agreed to do it this coming July).
Needless to say, I did a lot of deep thinking about what was happening; I was upset and relieved at the same time, and what finally helped me to accept it was the realization that, though I still love him, it was his friendship I would miss the most, and that by being a big girl about it and sincerely wishing him only happiness, that perhaps I wouldn’t actually have to lose it after all. That’s what it looks like is happening; he’s happier and friendlier on the phone than he’s been in at least two years, and I no longer feel the sullen resentment toward him I’ve felt for seven years. As soon as I let go of a failed marriage, I found my favorite client again, and who knows? The stage of our relationship yet to come might actually be the best one for both of us. Since I fully expect to mention him from time to time, I’ll call him “Matt” from here on out; I obviously can’t call him “my husband” any more, and since I now have two exes I asked him which pseudonym he wanted me to use.
After the end of my first marriage, I fended off would-be lovers with the fierceness of Athena until I found myself; this time, the act of letting go was itself an act of self-actualization, and Athena ceded the field to Aphrodite. My trip to Seattle was, as I’ve already said, powerful and transformative; I knew it was the beginning of a new book of my life, and I knew that it was right and good to be open to whatever it brought with it. And one of those things, much to my surprise, was love. I’ve mentioned Jae, a sex worker and activist from Seattle, quite a lot since November; what I haven’t mentioned is that we are much more than friends. We are, in fact, lovers, and a large part of the reason I’ve come to Seattle is to live with her; in a few years, after my business here is done, she’ll be moving out to the country with me. And in the meantime, she’ll be traveling with me on some of my trips, so many of y’all will get a chance to meet her. Yes, we got serious very quickly, but that’s not at all unusual in lesbian relationships (What does a lesbian bring on the second date? A U-haul trailer.) Don’t be surprised, dear readers; it’s not like I’ve made a secret of my bisexuality, and if one excludes commercial encounters I’ve actually been with more women than men.
I can’t say that’s all there is to tell right now, because it wouldn’t be true; it is, however, all I want to tell right now and all that I think I should tell right now. I apologize if the narrative has been a bit less well-organized than usual; it was, as I said above, rather difficult to write. I’m sure many of you will want to express your sympathy for the divorce, and of course I appreciate that. But as I said above, this was a long time coming, and Matt and I are both relieved that we can stop inadvertently hurting each other. In short, three people are happier today than they were in October, and in the big scheme of things that’s something to be thankful for.
Hey Maggie,
You’ve provided some awesome advice to me the few times I’ve sent an email. It was through the few communications I had with you since 2012 that helped me mature somewhat in my dealings with women. I hope all the things work out with you and everyone involved with it. Good to know you’re doing well.
Yeah, the Jae thing, not a surprise :D. I’m so happy to hear you’re going through such a transformative, positive period in your life. I’m sorry about the divorce, even when it’s a good thing it’s still difficult, but I’m glad you have people around you to support you, and that you and Matt are on the same page :). Oh and Seattle sounds like the place to be right now! Very cool that’s you’ll be living there a while!
Ah, your friends are happy for you too. And relieved! 🙂
Good luck to both of you.
Poets express things much better than I can. Reading this, I remembered two quatrains (51 and 49) from old Omar, the polymath poet, physician, philosopher, mathematician:
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
‘Tis all a Chequer-board of Nights and Days
Where Destiny with Men for Pieces plays:
Hither and thither moves, and mates, and slays,
And one by one back in the Closet lays.
Thanks for posting that. I should note that in the original Rubaiyat was written in Persian and probably did not rhyme so perfectly in English, equal credit should be given not only to Omar Khayyam but also Edward FitzGerald.
Although—God help me—the first thing I think of when I hear the name of the poem is this:
http://i.imgur.com/HgzohkR.png
Quatrain 11:
Here with a Loaf of Bread beneath the Bough,
A Flask of Wine, a Book of Verse—and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness—
And Wilderness is Paradise enow.
Well done Magz. 🙂
Good luck to you. I wish you every happiness. You deserve a bit of honey.
Maggie, I’m very sorry about the dissolution of your second marriage, although I am glad to see that you are happy now and are still friends with Matt (whom I will always think of as “Maggie’s Warrior.”) In this column, you’ve mentioned that you have felt some resentment over the past seven years. Did you ever feel pressure that you had to make this marriage work because if it failed antis would use it as evidence about how your ideas about sex and marriage must be wrong if you couldn’t make it last?
Maggie, I realize from my own now-35-year (first) marriage that the wonder is not that relationships disentegrate — rather, it’s that any can work at all. Each of us, as limited, fallible, imperfect, biologically-duct-taped organisms thrown into existence with needs (some literally contradictory) we never chose, struggles through life as part-victim and part-perpetrator. Not only are there no ultimate solutions nor resolutions, as we wish and sometimes insist exist, but not even a way to begin to find any.
So…it there’s any one to blame or if there’s “failure” to attribute, then blame biology, evolution, and Nature. If we were fucking rabbits, with our mammal instincts for reproduction and survival but minus our curse of self-awareness/rational consciousness, we’d probably be better off!
I’m sorry to hear about the end of your marriage but happy to see that, in the end, it appears to have been amicable. All the best to you, Matt and Jae for the future.
Maggie, sorry to hear about your divorce but at least you’ll still be friends and have even gained a new one as well. Hope everything works out for you. Sounds like quite a transformation going from the South up to the Pacific NW. I’ve always heard good things about the NW and someday hope to do a vacation there.
Good luck.
I want to say first off that I love your blog and I deeply appreciate the things you’ve said and done since you started writing. However at this point I feel I shall part company. While I was aware that you are bisexual the fact that you were married to a man and thus primarily held a heterosexual relationship resonated strongly for me because it was refreshing if not damn right rare to see a heterosexual woman discuss male sexuality with the compassion and logic you did. It felt insightful and if I dare say hopeful that finally a straight woman blogger wasn’t villifying us and making us all out to seem like criminals in waiting.
In knowing you are now in a lesbian relationship this connection no longer exist because the main reason I tuned into this blog was over your perspective on male sexually from the experiences you had. I feel if I were to read anymore articlss on this topic from you it wouldn’t feel authentic. In the same way a feminist might write about what being a man means, I feel a lesbian giving insight on male sexuality just wouldnt sit well.
All the best and good luck moving forward.
But what difference does it make? In the past she was a bisexual living with a man, now she will be the same person living with a woman. Her new relationship doesn’t erase her past experience.
Well Maggie I wish you happiness in your new romance. It seems like a positive turn of event overall.
Amen, I agree with you, Francois. I remember when I was a young man and a homosexual men was showing compassion to the plight of the majority of heterosexual men because of how women chose in his words “assholes” over nice guys as well as lied to men and sometimes even themselves about wanting nice guys while most heterosexual men were sexually and romantically starved for being decent men which was by far more rare in the homosexual men community. He knew that he like other homosexual men had an easier time getting sex than heterosexual men. He had a lot of interesting things to say as he was for a long time in my words “a double agent and one of the girls” I learned more from him in one day than I had from all the previous heterosexual men up to that point in my life.
I think for me it just lessens the impact on her perspective on male sexuality. I think that for all the insight a lesbian might have, they still ultimately will not really perceive men in the same fashion as a heterosexual woman. I’ll put it this way, a homosexual man would most likely not be able to give a heterosexual woman the best insight on female sexuality. He might be able to comment on it and give his perspectives, but since he has never actively engaged with a woman on the same level as a heterosexual man has his experiences will ultimately be second hand.
Maggie has even stated she has had more female partners then male partners. It’s quite possible her attraction to men is purely business drive meaning that when all is said and done, she’s simply a lesbian giving her perspective on male sexuality but from the outside looking in.
Maggie McNeill is not homosexual and she is not heterosexual because she is bi-sexual. Now do I think she has more lesbian tendencies than strait tendencies in amateur relationships? Yes, she does have more lesbian tendencies in amateur relationships. I wish she would provide the link, but she was able to make a living off of other women’s including heterosexual women’s stupidity.
There was a story she told about she and 3 other women were talking about letting their boyfriends have sex even when they did not want to do so and were not horny even though their boyfriends were. Maggie McNeill and two of her friends stated that they gave sex to their men when not in the mood while one woman said she did not give her man sex while in the mood. Maggie asked if the woman’s pet dog needed to go for a walk or outside to urinate and defecate to which the woman replied it did. Then Maggie asked if someone else took her pet dog out to urinate and defecate if she did not to which the woman replied her father did. Maggie told her to expect her man to look elsewhere for sex and shit on their relationship because men wanted sex more often than women were willing to give it up on average.
I almost forgot. You could google for Dr. Helen Smith’s blog. She seems to be entirely heterosexual and is successfully married for many years. She concentrates more on men’s issues and has written a book called “Men on Strike” and been on Fox Cable News as well as the Andrea Tantaros radio talk show which was on podcast if that is more to your liking Although Maggie McNeill concentrates more on sex workers’ rights and their true lives etc. especially in regard to prostitution, I can not think of anything where Dr. Helen Smith and Maggie McNeill disagree when talking about men. As I said before on this blog, I applaud Maggie McNeill for what she is doing because her attempts to free sex workers especially prostitutes turns around and frees strait heterosexual men of which I am one. I would say that both Maggie McNeill and Dr. Helen Smith understand men very well especially strait heterosexual men. Maggie learned a lot about men through prostitution and talking to them and Helen learned a lot about men by talking to men as a psychological therapist to men who were having problems with women mostly divorced men. Both let go of and refused to believe in what Maggie called neo-feminism regarding it as insane and destructive.
I’m really happy for all of you. Unlike some commenters who don’t understand the concept of bisexuality I wish you and Jae happiness and prosperity. It’s also so good to see a separation being made an adult way. So often anger makes people act like children and unnecessarily destroy a friendship like the one you and Matt have.
Wow. That must have been really hard.
We can never be certain where life will take us. All we can do is to surf those waves in the best direction that we can see.
Best wishes from St Louis, Maggie. Best wishes.
Maggie, I won’t say I am sorry, since this sounds like the best thing. Congrats on the new relationship, and congrats on maybe getting back to a better one with “Matt.” I hope it all works out from now on.
Two thoughts struck…
1) sorry to hear of the dissolution of your marriage but glad that everyone involved is coping well
2) the phrase “Maggie’s BACK on the market!” has a double entendre here which, if not necessarily entirely accurate, I still find quite hilarious
Weeeeeelllll….it’s true in one sense but not in the other. I’m not “looking for a man” because I’ve already got a woman, but I’m going to have to start earning a living again, and there’s only one way of doing that I’ve ever really been any good at. I hope that’s clear enough.
I have no idea what you mean. 😉
Very glad you found someone!
Wishing you all the best Maggie!
I am sorry to hear about your divorce, I wish you well. You and I mostly agreed on things, but sometimes disagreed. I think the way the current sexual market place works today, it would be difficult to impossible for monogamous long term serial relationships or even open long term relationships to work forever. The institutions, laws and culture no longer support it. I admire you for trying to keep the marriage going out from a Christian and Catholic perspective as I was raised by parents as you were by your parents. I now that I am still Catholic and you are Pagan now, but our Christian Catholic upbringing has a profound influence on us all our lives. In GAME concepts or Seduction concepts, one might say that Matt rejecting you made you chase him harder or try to keep the marriage going. We are not immune from our innate biological brains of being human males or human females in our thoughts, feelings and instincts, but we can be conscious of them and over-ride them if it is in our best interests or follow them if it is our best interests. You by first being a prostitute, then by being an advocate for prostitutes in this blog have not only been good for prostitutes and other sex workers, but more for female prostitutes and other sex workers who are the majority of prostitutes and sex workers and most of all for men needing the relief that prostitutes and sex workers provide to these men. For that I thank you and wish you well.
Whoa. Just… whoa.
All those old sayings about change being opportunity and having to let go to receive…
While I imagine the journey has been incredibly painful, you have no sympathy from me – only blessings as your life continues to unfold.
We are happy to have you here in seattle.
With love!
It takes bravery to turn one’s life around and you’ve got that, Maggie, in spades.
Maggie, I have never met you, but I have known Jae for a number of years. You have no idea how happy I am for you both. I have been waiting for her to find the right person. She is so special. I know you are too. My love to you both!
Ahhh, I’ve been waiting to see when this post would come out! I’m glad I popped over.
Maggie, I know we talked a little bit ago, but again: I’m so, so happy for you. I have no doubt that this ordeal over the last few years has been emotionally harrowing, and it’s amazing that you’re going to get a restart and go through this next lovely stage.
You’ve got moxie (but you knew that) and you deserve the best.
I’ve been a regular-ish reader for about a year. Your articulate wisdom has also helped me a great deal. Count me among the many nameless, faceless admirers of yours. I wish you love, happiness, and blessings in your current journeys.
As in all things, I pray the road you are on leads only to happiness. God (or Gaia or Mother Earth) Bless all parties involved..
I wish Maggie all the best and thank all of you for your kind words to her and myself. Sometimes things just don’t work out in the long run, but I know I made a friend that will last a life time.
Good luck Maggie!
Just shows to go don’t it Maggie ;)? Good luck amazing woman. Keep on breaking “the rules.” XOX Susan
Good luck to all involved and happiness as well.
I thought lesbians took the Uhaul to the first date in case it went well…
Anyhow…best to you in your adventures-wherever they may take you. As a regular reader, I so enjoy the journey.
Good Luck to Maggie, Matt and Jae.
It’s always a sad thing when, in spite of deep feelings, relationships fail; I’m beginning to think that failure of relationships, especially in the modern era, rather than success, is becoming the norm.
❤