Last summer I saw a client whom I have good reason to believe is quite capable of violence, and he is now stalking me. For about a month now he has parked in front of my house and watched almost every night; it may have been longer, because it took me longer than I am comfortable with to notice. Last week he switched up his game: he got out of his car, prowled around my house, and left much sooner than he usually does. Then later, I found a ladder and a flashlight near the easiest entry point to my home. I called my attorney to tell him I wanted a restraining order, but he told me to first file a police report; I stalled a bit, but when I finally went to the cops they refused to take a report. After that, I immediately fled town in terror and am writing to you from several states away from my home. I want to return as soon as I can and get a restraining order, but is there a way to file such an order under a stage name? Please tell me you have some advice.
I’m so sorry to hear about this horrible situation. I’m not at all surprised the cops wouldn’t do anything to help you; cops don’t give a damn what happens to sex workers, and commonly write “NHI” (“No Humans Involved”) on reports about violence toward us. I would also advise against putting faith in restraining orders; they don’t have magic powers, and can’t stop violent people from being violent even when the cops are willing to enforce them (which in your case they won’t be).
I think it was a very good idea to leave town for a while; that won’t get rid of him, but it may put him off your scent temporarily. You’re going to need help from friends and associates to deal with this, and if I were in your place I’d contact the local SWOP chapter (I know there is one in your city) right away in addition to informing all the friends you can trust. I think it would be best if you find another place to live; if possible, get a friend, family member or trusted client to sign the lease for you, and you may want to consider not living alone for a while. In fact, if you’re not especially tied to the city you’re “currently based in” (that sounds like you might not plan to live there permanently), you might consider moving to another city entirely (one where you have friends). If your stalker has a regular job (it sounds like he might if he only sits outside your place at night), send your friends (do NOT go yourself) to move your stuff while he’s at work; if you can’t be sure when he’ll be tied up, you’ll have to be sneaky about this because you CANNOT risk his following them. And even after you move, I would suggest being very watchful for at least a year; he’s already proven he’s obsessed enough to follow you for over half that long.
Once you’ve ensured your physical safety as best you can, I suggest being extra-cautious with new clients from here on out. If you’ve been a loose screener before, it’s definitely time to change that; he knows your stage name and contact info, and once he can’t find where you live he’ll almost certainly try contacting you through work, possibly pretending to be someone else. So it’s absolutely imperative that you get good references from every new client, that you make sure you know his name & job so you can be ABSOLUTELY sure it isn’t the stalker, and that you talk to every new client on the phone so you can hear his voice before meeting him, to be sure in your mind that it really is a new person. Finally, if you can afford it, you might also consider renting a separate place to be your incall, so that even if this dangerous person figures out where you work, it won’t automatically let him know where you live.
I’m going to publish this on Thursday (with identifying details removed for your safety) and ask readers for input as well; please look at my blog and Twitter feed on Thursday, because one of my readers may have been through something like this before, and may have some good advice. That’s all I can think of at the moment, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not go home until you have a plan in place, and friends on alert who will come to you instantly if called.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I was once a stalker.
I had a moment of clarity while hiding in the garden bushes under the window of a woman who had shown me nothing but kindness “What the fuck am I doing?!!” before any harm was done.
The advice above is sound. Put not your trust in restraining orders, they are just points of engagement and connection for the stalker. Cool-headed friends running interference and counter-intelligence are the only solution I know.
Restraining orders might work with people who just have a little trouble with boundaries. It can be the shock that makes them realize they have crossed a serious boundary and have to stop. But with a more dedicated stalker (definitely the one in this post) it’s just another thing that enrages them. Unless the restraining order is part of a careful plan to get the guy arrested — e.g. you have a commitment from the police that they will make an arrest — it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth.
I should take the 5th as to what I’d do.
For the move, if you can involve friends, consider if possible using something like PODS where they drop a container at the residence, your friends load it. If the jerk approaches your friends they can misdirect him however. Tell him you moved over seas, tell him you have died and you belongings are going to be stored at the pod company till such time someone wants to go through them etc. Best of luck!
I’m not one to condone violence, but since it is easily doable for you (I’m assuming you live in the US since Maggie knows your city), either get a gun or move in with a friend who has one. I’m personally against civilians bearing arms, even off-duty soldiers or cops, but since it’s legal in the US, I wouldn’t want to be on unequal footing if this guy might have one. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think it’s legal to shoot a trespasser there and you don’t want to take any chances if this psycho finds you again & enters your house in the middle of the night. Aim for the knees (or the balls if you’re one for poetic justice) as that’s going to be an injury that would mostly be non-fatal yet leave a life-long reminder.
A gun is lethal force. It should not be attempted to be used non-lethally. In some states there could be legal repercussions for that in addition to the fact that it could get you killed. It the heat of the moment, you should aim for center of mass and keep shooting until they fall down or you run out of bullets. If you tell the cops anything afterwards, it should only be that you were in fear for your life. Otherwise, shut up until you have a lawyer.
If you do get a gun, go to a gun range and practice with it. It is a powerful tool and you should be very familiar with it and all safety procedures and the gun laws where you live.
In reply to Blabber: If you choose to defend yourself, you should (a) know the laws in your state and (b) if you have to defend yourself, aim for the center of mass – you are not going to hit a knee or a smaller target. Go to a shooting range and practice. Know how to be as safe and proficient as possible with your weapon.
I have terrible aim anyway so it makes sense to aim for the larger mass but I was not talking about myself so I discounted my F grade skills. And my objective would be to render the guy immobile so he’ll be easier to deal with. Aiming for the torso seemed like it’s much more likely to kill him if I end up piercing the heart, lungs or stomach. I’m good at biology, not sharpshooting.
I don’t live in the US. Where I live, it’s a difficult task to get a firearm in the first place. And even if someone does have a weapon, whether it’s licensed or not, a dead body is still a dead body. My weapon of choice would be something like a long distance taser (do those even exist?) or a stun gun but that seems pretty useless against an actual gun in the hands of someone who knows how to use it, or worse: a total idiot like me who would shoot randomly.
Sound advice nonetheless. You sound like you know your stuff and I will definitely keep that in mind before I go shooting off my mouth about this anywhere else.
Sawed off shotgun.
Can’t miss.
If moving is not an option, getting some security devices might help. E.g., a motion detector that turns on a light or a siren or which contacts a security company. If you had some people hanging around at night, ready to make like concerned bystanders (“Hey, you, what are you doing in that yard!”) when the alarm goes off, even better,
Meanwhile, here are some inspirational lyrics from Leslie Fish: http://www.lionslair.com/Lyrics/Susan_B..html
Having a stalker is bad enough for any woman. For a sex worker, doubly so.
In Colorado we have the “Make My Day Law,” allowing wide latitude when defending oneself in the home. If you lived here, I’d suggest a Mossberg 800 riot gun with 20″ barrel, 8 round magazine, and shells using No. 4 shot to minimize accidental damage to your neighbors while providing more than enough stopping power for any thing smaller than a bear. Otherwise the nastiest pepper spray you can find, and high quality locks on your doors.
I will point out that is sex work we decriminalized, and cops behaved like moral human beings, this could all be taken care of with a visit to your local constabulary. Unfortunately, we do not live in the best of all possible worlds.
One thing you might be able to do — it’s not cheap but it might be cheaper than moving — is hire a professional to help you. I’m not talking about someone to “teach him a lesson,” because if he’s a violent person, he’s probably been in fights before, and a beating will just make him angrier at you.
But if you can afford it, consider bringing in a threat assessment professional. These are the people that major corporations hire to handle ex-employees who seem dangerous, or that celebrities hire to deal with overzealous fans, death threats, and so on. They may be licensed as private investigators, but you also want someone who is a member of the Association of Threat Assessment Professionals (ATAP), so you’re not just getting some hothead.
What you want is for them to evaluate the situation and suggest an approach to handling it. They’ve seen a lot of this stuff, and they are good at evaluating the level of threat and the level of response: Maybe it seems unlikely to escalate so you can just wait it out, maybe they need to have a talk with the guy and give him a warning, maybe they need to bring in the cops (they work with cops a lot, so they know the right way to bring them in), or maybe they tell you there’s nothing you can do short of leaving town.
The biggest problem, aside from the cost, is that a lot of these people are aligned with law enforcement and may not want to help someone who is doing something illegal. Your lawyer might be able find someone and sound them out about this before they contact you.
Another thing: I don’t know if you just walked into the police station to try to file a report, but if you want to try again, you might try to find someone in whichever unit of the department handles domestic violence. You may not think of this as a domestic violence situation, but if he’s breaking any laws, it’s likely he’s breaking the laws intended to stop domestic violence, and the domestic violence cops are used to investigating these kinds of cases. They might also know of some non-legal options for you. (Then again. Maggie would say to never call the cops.)
Finally, if you do decide to get a gun, make sure you know how to use it for defense, and make sure you know the law. Shooting someone is definitely a last resort.
A cheap quick defense is hornet spray, longer range than mace and will cause blindness if not washed out of the eyes.
At that point you can either run or take a ball bat to his dome.
I am surprised at all the recommendations for direct violence here. Direct violence is already a chancy thing if you are following a legal profession, because the cops consider applying violence to people to be their prerogative. If you are a sex worker where that is illegal, you may just screw yourself over massively by using violence. Also, using violence expertly is something that needs skill and training and can even then go horribly wrong.
And then there is the moral angle. So far this person is creepy, but that does not justify doing something that could kill him. IMO any advice to get prepared to kill or seriously harm this person is pretty indicative of a cave-man mindset. It may have worked well back then, but today it is very unlikely to be helpful. Unfortunately, many people are still cave-men with a thin veneer of civilized behavior.
I would strongly recommend to take Maggies advice and not even consider violent self-defense. It is a losing game unless you know exactly what you are doing.
I know we’re a little, bit past ‘March’, at this point . . . Still, I had to ask. before you jet away – If but to check in!
How IS this Friend of yours?
&
By Chance – Is she – Any WHERE, ‘near’, or by – My ‘End’ of the World?
Let me know if she’s still needing any assistance & there’s anything, I can do to lend a hand – I’m finally settled in to my new place & Can help out, if need be!
Failing that, I can send her, some lists of Contacts & Helpful resources . . .
KD