For the first time in my life, a man has is proffering me the opportunity you usually only read about: not just becoming his mistress, but doing so with all the trappings. Delightful traveling, charming bed-and-breakfast accommodations, wonderful lingerie and clothes, my own residence…This man isn’t Donald Trump, but it’s quite a step up from my usual. He keeps telling me that spoiling me is what he enjoys. I find it hard to take such generosity with the easy grace he’s clearly expecting. Obviously, I don’t want to mess this up. Any tips?
Whatever you’re doing, he’s obviously happy with it, so my advice is that you keep doing it. Now, that may seem as though I’m being a smart-ass, but I assure you I’m not; there are two ways women mess up gigs like this, and both of them involve trying to change the situation. The first strategy for failure is to decide being a mistress isn’t good enough any more, and pushing him to leave his wife; the second is the same way wives mess it up, by assuming the man is “caught” and getting lazy. Both errors result from exactly the same cause: a failure to understand the basis of the arrangement. A married man who keeps a mistress is not interested in replacing the former with the latter; he has economic, social and emotional reasons for staying married, and the mistress is his means of making up whatever he feels is lacking in that relationship. So if the mistress starts trying to undermine her gentleman’s marriage, or fails to provide whatever interested him in the first place, there is no reason for him to continue the arrangement and heartache, drama and scandal may follow.
What it boils down to is this: being “kept” is a job. It may be a very nice, pleasant dream job with fantastic fringe benefits, but it is still a means of earning one’s keep, and it needs to be thought of that way. You are following in the footsteps of the great courtesans of old, and you should take the best of them as role models. Keep making your patron happy in the ways you know best, let him know you appreciate what he does for you in return, always make time for him when he calls, and above all else be discreet. And as long as you keep in mind that even the most loving relationships have an economic basis, I think you’ll do just fine.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Don’t get too used to the income and have a backup plan – us guys are pretty fickle. And determine now how you’re going to take it if and when he says it’s over. If you can’t just walk away from him when he says the relationship is pau – you shouldn’t do it.
Or maybe resolve that up front and agree on what he’s going to provide you for “severance”.
Don’t fall into the trap of becoming possessive and demanding. That’s what wives are for.
A mistress is a wife without the pressure and expectations. With you he wants certainty and reliability as well as whatever personality traits that attracted him to you in the first place. Don’t change or try to change him.
Exactly – I’m not even sure that real “Mistresses” exist anymore. I think the “Sugar Baby” thing has superseded them for the most part and it’s not a good thing. SB’s are extremely “hit or miss” and you’re just more than likely to wind up with one with poor ethics who will eventually hold you hostage and even out you to your wife when she eventually feels she’s being short-changed.
A “Mistress”, to me, is like buying a Lamborghini. Sure, you can get one – have fun paying the monthly notes, and the insurance, and paying for the expensive repairs – and get used to NOT being able to just park the fucker anywhere you could park an old Ford Mustang. It’s a status symbol only.
But at least you can take a Lamborghini out and “swag” it in the French Quarter and maybe pick up some drunk chicks with it (okay well there’s only one free seat in a Lamborghini so you could only pick up one drunk chick unless you hauled a trailer behind it or installed a side-car or something).
A Mistress – well you’ve got to be a bit careful in how you parade around with her, you see.
Also … “mistresses” need to have a plan for the wife … when she finds out. Just about all the famous ones in history were discovered by wives and usually they were discovered through some dumb shit the guy did – like leaving love letters laying about a la FDR and Lucy Mercer.
And I think Maggie’s prioritization of discretion above all else can’t be emphasized enough. Mistresses are kept secret for a reason.
And like Maggie said, be content with the arrangement instead of pushing for more, and never, *ever* try and strong-arm him with threats of exposure.
I had the opportunity to be basically “kept” by a wealthy man, but I ultimately declined because I did not think it was wise for me to be monogamous with him (IME, men with mistresses demand sexual/romantic exclusivity, and the LW should be prepared for that) and I was too independent to be financially dependent upon a man.
I did see him for years, though, and was a sort of quasi-mistress.
Krulac’s right–have a backup plan and do NOT expect this arrangement to last forever. Cover your ass. I was in grad school, and my guy helped me out with tuition when I needed it. See if you can get this gentlemen in invest in your future in a similar way, especially if he expects you to be monogamous with him–it’s only fair, as you will be passing up other opportunities to be only with him. And if you agree to be monogamous, don’t cheat, and if you do, wear a condom for chrissakes. He’s giving you a lot of trust; don’t send him home to his wife with an STI.
Be discreet, appreciative, prioritize him…Maggie’s advice is very good. Keep yourself beautiful.
Consider yourself a “professional girlfriend,” focusing on providing all the fun stuff of a relationship and as little as the boring/negative stuff as possible.
Try not to fall in love. Protect yourself emotionally. He’s not going to meet your family and he’s not going to be there for Xmas dinner.
Finally: when it comes to men and generosity, my motto is: I’ll believe it when I see it (though I never say that to their faces). IMO, generous men don’t talk about all the stuff they’re going to do for you–they just do it. They surprise you with a gift box. If this guy keeps promising to “keep” you and you don’t see him making definite movement in that direction, keep in mind that he could just be yanking your chain.
Great advice, including by krulac and V.W.Singer. I’ll add: have a fulfilling life (professional, social, personal, sexual – if that’s allowed) outside your arrangement with your patron.
I remember that when Charles Kurault died, the fact that he has a long-term extramarital affair with Patricia Shannon was revealed. (Maggie, if there is a better way to write this sentence without using the passive voice, please let me know!) I also remember reading Shannon expected to receive some property that Kurault used as a getaway lodge in his will, but Kurault never got around to ammending his will. Although a jury decided in Shannon’s favor that a letter Kurault wrote intending to change his will made his intent clear, it could have gone the other way.
In short, no matter how much you may come to love this man, do not rely on verbal promises. Save your money and be prepared for when the relationship inevitably ends.
A better example is Stieg Larsson’s lover, Eva Gabrielsson was denied any inheritance from Larsson’s estate because he did not have a properly witnessed will. Larsson was the author of the international bestselling Millennium Trilogy (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, etc.) Larsson and Gabrielsson did not marry because under Swedish law, Gabrielsson’s address would have been publicly revealed. Larsson was a journalist who made enemies, and he feared for his lover’s safety. The estate went to his father and brother who left her nothing. This is exactly the same situation that mistresses find themselves in. Know what you are getting into and be aware that verbal promises—even if sincere—are worth exactly the paper they are printed on.
being a kept woman means more loved woman 😉
Some heartfelt advice from a former mistress:
1. Make yourself available, day or night.
2. Be a good listener as well as a good lover.
3. Resist the temptation to tell friends or relatives. If they ask you why you’re suddenly looking flushed and confident and well-fucked, say that you’re getting more exercise. Which you probably are.
4. Never, ever, forget that some antibiotics can interfere with the effectiveness of birth control pills.
Don’t ask me how I know that last one. 🙁
All my kids were born on the pill. 😛
Antibiotics maybe, or just the fact that my wife’s prescription changed … or maybe she forgot a day or two. She always used to complain to high heavens when she got pregnant because she said all my babies had big fat heads and were painful to deliver.
I’ll told her to soldier it up! 😀
No, it was my fault. I didn’t check the drug interactions which led to my becoming pregnant. I had to terminate the relationship and the pregnancy.
A lot of “mistresses” are really just women hoping they can back door their way into a real relationship (marriage) by using the magic p****. A lot of these women get little or nothing in the way of financial support. They are emotionally deluded into thinking the MM really cares for them, he is leaving his wife “after the family holiday” or whatever (THEN they will get the grand pay off)…it never occurs to them that he is getting ‘just’ SEX out of this. These same women are shocked and oh so hurt when they discover MM has another side piece. (This is usually the part when the wife gets the call from a woman scorned.) I am watching one of these scenarios play out as I type.
Men will say just about anything to get laid “for free”. Women who take this talk seriously are delusional. Feminism has really screwed women. It was better when everyone understood what was being bartered.
Not having ever had or been a mistress, I can’t add much of anything. But other people here, people more knowledgeable than myself, have offered their opinions, and I’d only advise one to consider such advice from such people.