Every time I publish one of my “hooker songs” columns, readers make suggestions for the next one; that’s great, and I’ve used many of those suggestions in later columns. But I’ve been doing it for so long now, newer readers are starting to suggest ones I’ve already done. So here’s a continuously-updated, hyperlinked catalog of all the songs I’ve presented so far. And just for the sake of completeness, I’ve included a second section with all the songs for which I’ve featured videos, even if they aren’t whore-related.
Hooker Songs
Baroque Bordello (The Stranglers)
Big City Girls (April Wine)
Bring Your Greenbacks (Ethel Waters)
Call Me (Blondie)
Candy’s Room (Bruce Springsteen)
Centerfold (Seth Justman; performed by the J. Geils Band)
Cross-Eyed Mary (Jethro Tull)
Darling Nikki (Prince)
Down in the Alley (Memphis Minnie)
Down the Road Tonight (Bruce Hornsby and the Range)
Dulcinea (Leigh/Darion; sung by Simon Gilbert dubbing Peter O’Toole)
867-5309 (Tommy Tutone)
Everything’s Alright (Webber/Rice; performed by Yvonne Elliman, Ted Neeley and Carl Anderson)
Family Man (Oldfield/Cross; performed by Hall and Oates)
Fancy (Bobbie Gentry)
Farewell To Storyville (Clarence Williams; performed by Billie Holiday and Louis Armstrong)
Fire Down Below (Bob Seger)
Glad Rag Doll (Yellen/Dougherty/Ager; performed by Ruth Etting)
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (Elton John/Bernie Taupin; performed by Elton John)
Greenbacks (Ray Charles)
The Grisettes Song (Franz Lehár; French lyrics by Viktor Léon and Leo Stein; performed by Jane Thorngren and chorus)
Hey Lady (Kate McGrew)
Hey, Big Spender (Dorothy Fields; performed by Sweet Charity cast)
Hot Child in the City (Nick Gilder)
The House of the Rising Sun (Traditional; performed by Dolly Parton)
The House of the Rising Sun (Traditional; performed by musical Tesla coils)
I’m Tired (Mel Brooks; performed by Madeline Kahn)
Island Girl (Elton John/Bernie Taupin; performed by Elton John)
It’s All the Same (Leigh/Darion; performed by Sophia Loren)
Jacky (Jacques Brel; translated and performed by Mort Shuman)
Jezebel (Sade)
Killer Queen (Queen)
La Grange (ZZ Top)
Lady Marmalade (Crewe/Nolan; performed by LaBelle)
Louise (Paul Siebel)
Love for Sale (Cole Porter; performed by Ella Fitzgerald)
The Magdalene Laundries (Joni Mitchell)
Magdalene Laundry (Mary Coughlan)
Maggie May (Traditional; performed by The Beatles)
A Man for Every Day in the Week (Sippie Wallace)
Mexican Blackbird (ZZ Top)
Material Girl (Peter Brown/Robert Rans; performed by Madonna)
Midtown Asian Sex Spa (B.B. Wye)
Minnie the Moocher (Cab Calloway)
New Orleans Ladies (LeRoux)
Next (Jacques Brel; translated by Blau/Shuman; performed by Walter Willison)
Nobody’s Sweetheart (Kahn/Erdman/Meyers/Schoebel; performed by the Louisiana Rhythm Kings)
Pleasures of the Harbor (Phil Ochs)
Private Dancer (Mark Knopfler; performed by Tina Turner)
Raised on Robbery (Joni Mitchell)
Rent (Pet Shop Boys)
Roxanne (The Police)
Santa Baby (Javits/Springer; performed by Eartha Kitt)
Sempre Libera (Giuseppe Verdi; lyrics by F. Piave; performed by Anna Moffo)
The Son of Hickory Holler’s Tramp (Dallas Frazier; performed by O.C. Smith)
State Street Blues (Thompson/Williams; performed by Lovin’ Sam Theard)
Strange Thing Mystifying (Webber/Rice; performed by Ted Neeley and Carl Anderson)
Sweet Cream Ladies (The Box Tops)
Sweet Georgia Brown (Bernie/Pinkard/Casey; performed by Ella Fitzgerald)
Sweet Painted Lady (Elton John/Bernie Taupin; performed by Elton John)
The Taxicab (Jacques Brel; translated and performed by Mort Shuman)
Ten Cents a Dance (Hart/Rogers; performed by Ruth Etting)
Texas Has a Whorehouse in It (Carol Hall; performed by Dom Deluise)
Trick of the Light (The Who)
Walk on the Wild Side (Lou Reed)
A Woman’s Story (Tempo/Stevens/Spector; performed by Cher)
X Offender (Blondie)
Other Songs
Ace of Spades (Motörhead; performed by Jitse Zonneveld and Frank Steijns)
Africa (Toto)
Ain’t No Sunshine (Bill Withers)
Ain’t That a Shame (Fats Domino)
All About That Cake (Daniel Cormier)
All For the Best (Stephen Schwartz; performed by Victor Garber/David Haskell)
Alley Oop (Dallas Frazier; performed by the Hollywood Argyles)
Alpha (Vangelis)
Amazin’ Man (John Bird)
Amish Paradise (“Weird Al” Yankovic)
Angie Baby (Alan O’Day; sung by Helen Reddy)
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (Leonard Nimoy)
Band of Gold (Edythe Wayne & Ron Dunbar; sung by Freda Payne)
Bat Out of Hell (Jim Steinman; performed by Meat Loaf)
Batman theme (Neil Hefti)
Be My Baby (Barry/Greenwich/Spector; performed by The Ronettes)
Bear Claws (The Academic)
Beezlebub (Beats Antique)
The Bertha Butt Boogie (The Jimmy Castor Bunch)
Bette Davis Eyes (Donna Weiss/Jackie DeShannon; performed by Kim Carnes)
Beyond Antares (Hatch/Coon; performed by Nichelle Nichols)
Billie Jean (Michael Jackson; performed by Beeble)
Billie Jean (Michael Jackson; performed by Barcelona Guitar Trio)
Bills (Lunchmoney Lewis)
Black and White (David I. Arkin and Earl Robinson; sung by Sonny & Cher)
Blackfly (Wade Hemsworth)
Blitzkrieg Bop (The Ramones)
Blues in the Night (Arlen/Mercer; performed by Cab Calloway)
Bohemian Rhapsody (Freddie Mercury, performed by Richie Castellano)
Bohemian Rhapsody (Freddie Mercury, performed on a fairground organ)
Brand New Key (Melanie)
Breaking the Law (Judas Priest)
Bye Bye Love (Bryant/Bryant; performed by The Everly Brothers)
The Call of Cthulhu (Simo)
Call the Cops (Rob Hustle)
Canon in D (Johann Pachelbel)(an even weirder version)
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You (Crewe/Gaudio; performed by Mary Wilson)
Captain America Statistics Song (Fox ADHD)
Carol of the Bells (Mykola Leontovych; performed by Lindsey Stirling)
Casino Royale (Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)
Cello Wars
Chanukah Honey (Rachel Bloom)
Chick-a-Boom (Groovie Goolies)
Children of the Sun (Billy Thorpe)
A Christmas Carol (Tom Lehrer)
The Cockroach That Ate Cincinnati (Rose and the Arrangement)
Comedy Tonight (Stephen Sondheim; performed by Zero Mostel)
Convoy (C. W. McCall)
The Crush of Love (Joe Satriani)
Crystallize (Lindsey Stirling)
Cult of Personality (Living Color)
Danse Macabre (Camille Saint-Saens)
Darkest Carols, Faithful Sing (Christopher Lee)
Dentist! (Menken/Ashman; performed by Steve Martin)
Deteriorata (Hedra/Guest; performed by Norman Rose & Melissa Manchester)
Dinosaurs in Love (Fenn Rosenthal)
Disney Princess Leia
Disney Villains: The Musical (Antonius Nazareth; performed by Michelle Cameron, Elizabeth Oldak, Tiger Darrow and Kim Carpluk)
Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans? (DeLange/Alter; sung by Louis Armstrong)
Do You Want My Purr Purr? (Poopy Cat Dolls)
Doctor Who theme (Ron Grainer, performed by Sonya Belousova)
Doctor Who theme (Ron Grainer, arranged & performed by George C Music)
Doctor Who theme (Ron Grainer, arranged & performed by Pisces Rising)
Don’t Come Around Here No More (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)
Don’t Step on the Grass, Sam (Steppenwolf)
Don’t Stop the Sandman (Rock Sugar)
Dreams Are Real (Ryan Barger and Katie Akana)
Dumb Ways to Die
Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles) (altered version)
The Elephant in the Room (Axis of Awesome)
11:59 (Blondie)
Elvis is Everywhere (Mojo Nixon)
Enter Sandman (Metallica; performed by Caleb Hyles)
Enter Sandman/Shipping Up To Boston (Metallica & Dropkick Murphys, performed by The Snake Charmer, Phantom Piper & Dame of Drones)
Equinoxe, Part 4 (Jean-Michel Jarre)
The Fade Away (Garfunkel and Oates)
Fame (Gore/Pitchford; sung by Irene Cara)
Flopsy’s Lament (Mojo Place)
Fly…Night Bird (Roy Buchanan)
For Pete’s Sake (Peter Tork; performed by The Monkees)
Forget About the Price Tag (Erin McDonald; parody video)
4 Chords (Axis of Awesome)
4’33” (John Cage; performed by Dead Territory)
Free Bird (Lynyrd Skynyrd; performed by Luna)
Friendly Neighborhood Narco Agent (Jeff Jaisun)
Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury (Rachel Bloom)
Fuck You (Lily Allen)
The Gambler (Don Schlitz; performed by Kenny Rogers)
Gangnam Style (Park Jae-Sang, Yoo Gun-hyung; performed by Pentatonix)
Garden of Your Mind (Fred Rogers)
Georgy Girl (Springfield/Dale; performed by The Seekers)
Girls Just Want To Have Fun (Robert Hazard; performed by Chase Holfelder)
Go Kart Racing (Accidentally Masturbating) (Garfunkel and Oates)
Godzilla (Blue Oyster Cult)
Gonads and Strife
Good Cops (Rob Hustle)
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (theme) (Ennio Morricone)
Great Balls of Fire (Blackwell/Hammer; performed by Jerry Lee Lewis)
The Grinch Song (Hague/Geisel; sung by Thurl Ravenscroft)
Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen)
Hands Up (Uncle Murda & Maino)
Hazy Shade of Winter (Paul Simon; performed by The Bangles)
Higher Ground (Stevie Wonder)
Holly Jolly Christmas (Johnny Marks; sung by Burl Ives)
Hooked on a Feeling (Mark James; performed by B.J. Thomas)
Hot for Teacher (Van Halen)
Hotel California (The Eagles; performed by B&B Project)
Hurrian Hymn #6 (performed by Michael Levy)
I Am The Doctor (performed by Jon Pertwee)
I Believe in Father Christmas (Greg Lake)
I Can See Clearly Now (Johnny Nash)
I Can’t Breathe (Pussy Riot)
I Feel Free (Pete Brown & Jack Bruce; performed by Cream)
I Got It From Agnes (Tom Lehrer)
I Hate Christmas (Oscar the Grouch)
I Honestly Love You (Barry/Allen; performed by Olivia Newton-John)
I in the Sky (Steve Zuckerman)
I Love Beans (Brak)
I Love Onions (Hill/Cochrane; sung by Susan Christie)
I Say Wonderful/I Say Yucch! (Jeff Moss; performed by Frank Oz & Jerry Nelson)
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream (Howard Johnson, Billy Moll, and Robert King; performed by Fred Waring & His Pennsylvanians)
I Steal Pets (Rachel Bloom)
I Think I Love You (Tony Romeo; performed by The Partridge Family)
I Think You’re a Dick (Laurel Hay)
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (John Rox; performed by Gayla Peevey)
I Was Made for Lovin’ You (Kiss; performed by Silenzium)
I’d Like To Come (The Wet Spots)
If I Were a Boy (Rachel Bloom)
If She Knew What She Wants (Jules Shear; performed by The Bangles)
I’m Only Sleeping (Lennon/McCartney; performed by The Beatles)
The Immigrant Song (Page/Plant; adapted & performed by Miracle Aligner)
In the Summertime (Mungo Jerry)
Interjections! (Lynn Ahrens; sung by Essra Mohawk)
Irlande (Vangelis)
Istanbul (Jimmy Kennedy/Nat Simon; performed by They Might Be Giants)
It’s Hard To Be Humble (Mac Davis)
Jeopardy (Greg Kihn Band)
Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring (J.S. Bach)
Jim Carrey’s “Cold Dead Hand”: A Rebuttal (Remy)
Jolene (Dolly Parton; performed by Bardcore)
Jumpin’ Jive (Cab Calloway)
King Herod’s Song (Webber/Rice; performed by Alice Cooper)
Kinky Boots (Kretzmer/Lee, sung by Patrick Macnee & Honor Blackman)
Kiss the Girl (Menken/Ashman; performed by Chase Holfelder)
Laura Palmer’s Theme (Angelo Badalamenti)
Lazarus (David Bowie)
The Lees of Old Virginia (Sherman Edwards; performed by Ronald Holgate)
Legs (ZZ Top)
Lesbian Seagull (Tom Wilson Weinberg, sung by Engelbert Humperdinck)
Let It Snow (Sammy Cahn/Jule Styne; performed by the Star Trek: TNG cast)
The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Linda/Weiss; performed by The Tokens)
Little Red Riding Hood (Ron Blackwell; performed by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs)
Little Willy (Chinn/Chapman; performed by Sweet)
London Underground (Amateur Transplants)
The Lonely N Song (Steve Zuckerman)
The Loophole (Garfunkel and Oates)
Love Child (The Clan; performed by The Supremes)
Love is Like Oxygen (Scott/Griffin; performed by Sweet)
A Man, a Horse, and a Gun (Henry Mancini)
March from the Funeral Music for Queen Mary (Purcell; performed by Deutsches Symphonie-Orchester Berlin)
Marichka (Chervona Ruta)
Me Ole Bamboo (Sherman/Sherman; performed by Dick Van Dyke)
Mexican Radio (Wall of Voodoo)
Mister Crowley (Ozzy Osbourne)
Mr. Popeil (“Weird Al” Yankovic)
The Mob Rules (Black Sabbath)
Montero (Li’l Nas)
Moondance (Van Morrison)
Mother Russia (Renaissance)
Munchkinland (Arlen/Yarburg; performed by Judy Garland and cast)
My Apartment’s Very Clean Without You (Garfunkel and Oates)
Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo (Oingo Boingo)
Natural Woman (Carole King/Gerry Goffin; performed by Aretha Franklin)
Nemesis Man (Billy Joel/H.P. Lovecraft; performed by R’Lyeh Joel)
Night on Bald Mountain (Modest Mussorgsky; arranged by Rimsky-Korsakov, performed by the Slovak Philharmonic Orchestra)
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (Bobby Russell; performed by Vicki Lawrence)
Ninth Symphony, Fourth Movement (Ludwig van Beethoven)
Nobody Will Watch the Tony Awards With Me (Rachel Bloom)
Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom (Parry Grip)
Nosferatu (Bouchard/Wheels; performed by Blue Oyster Cult)
Nothing Else Matters (Metallica; performed by Apocalyptica)
Notice Me Senpai
The OCDance (Rachel Bloom)
Odds Are (Barenaked Ladies)
Ode To Billie Joe (Bobbie Gentry)
Ohio (Neil Young; performed by The Fine Designs)
Older (They Might Be Giants)
Oranges Poranges (performed by Billie Hayes)
Over the Rainbow (Harold Arlen/E.Y. Harburg; performed by Judy Garland)
Paint It Black (The Rolling Stones)(German cover by Karel Gott)
Papageno (WA Mozart; animation by Lotte Reiniger)
Paradise by the Dashboard Light (Jim Steinman; performed by Meat Loaf & Karla DeVito)
People Will Die! (Remy)
The Pill (Allen/McHan/Bayless/Lynn; performed by Loretta Lynn)
Poo Party (Shri)
Popcorn (Gershon Kingsley)
Popeye (Lamont Dozier)
Postcards from Paradise (Ringo Starr)
Powerhouse (Raymond Scott)
Prince Ali (Menken/Ashman; sung by Robin Williams)
Princess Leia’s Stolen Death Star Plans (Lennon/McCartney; words & performed by Palette-Swap Ninja)
Prisencolinensinainciusol (Adriano Celentano)
Pure Imagination (Bricusse/Newley; performed by Gene Wilder)
Put One Foot in Front of the Other (Laws/Bass; sung by Mickey Rooney)
Puttin’ On the Ritz (Irving Berlin; performed by Gene Wilder & Peter Boyle)
Que Sera, Sera (Jay Livingston & Ray Evans; sung by Doris Day)
Radar Rider (Riggs)
Rage of Thrones (Axis of Awesome)
The Rainbow Connection (Paul Williams/Kenneth Ascher; performed by Debbie Harry & Kermit the Frog)
Real World (Matchbox 20)
Rice Krispies commercial (performed by the Rolling Stones)
The Riddler (Frank Gorshin)
Right Place, Wrong Time (Dr. John)
Rock and Roll Dreams (Jim Steinman)
Rockin’ with the Rhythm of the Rain (Maher/Schlitz; performed by The Judds)
Rocky Top/Yakety Sax (Dolly Parton)
Roll Over Beethoven (Chuck Berry)
Rubber Biscuit (Charles Johnson; performed by The Chips)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Gene Autry, performed by William Shatner & Billy Gibbons)
Ruin Your Day (Sparrow Folk)
Rumble (Link Wray)
Sastanàqqàm (Tinariwen)
Say We’re Sweethearts Again (Virginia O’Brien)
Scherzo (Ludwig von Beethoven; performed by David Garrett)
Secret Agent Man (Johnny Rivers)
Serpentine Fire (Earth, Wind & Fire)
Sex with Ducks (Garfunkel & Oates)
She Blinded Me With Science (Thomas Dolby with Buzz Aldrin)
She Loves You (Lennon & McCartney; performed by Peter Sellers)
A Shot in the Dark (Henry Mancini)
Silent “E” (Tom Lehrer)
The Smoke-Off (Shel Silverstein)
Smoke on the Water (Deep Purple; performed by Luna)
So Long Ago, So Clear (Vangelis; vocal by Jon Anderson)
La Soiree dans Grenade (Claude Debussy)
Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child (Samuel Coleridge-Taylor; played by Frances Walker)
Songbird (Christine McVie)
The Sounds of Silence (Paul Simon & Google Translate; performed by Malinda Reese)
Space: 1999 theme (Barry Gray)
Space Oddity (David Bowie)
Space Oddity (David Bowie; performed by Chris Hadfield)
Spain (Chick Corea)
Spanish Flea (Julius Wechter; played by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)
Spiral (Vangelis)
Spongebob Squarepants theme (Drymon/Harrison/Hillenburg/Smith, slowed 800%)
Stagger Lee (traditional; sung by Lloyd Price)
Stairway to Gilligan’s Island (Little Roger and the Goosebumps)
Stairway To Heaven (Page/Plant; performed by Heart with orchestra & choir)
Stay the Night (Chicago)
Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening (Rorem/Frost; sung by Susan Graham)
Sultans of Swing (Mark Knopfler; performed by Luna)
Summer in the City (The Lovin’ Spoonful)
Summertime (George Gershwin; performed by Prince)
Sweet Child o’Mine (Guns N’Roses; performed by The Heimatdamisch)
Sweet Child o’Mine (Guns N’Roses; performed by Michelle Kwan)
Sweet Child o’Mine (Guns N’Roses; performed by Postmodern Jukebox)
Sympathy for Slenderman (Heather Anne Campbell; sung by Liz Beebe)
Tainted Love (Ed Cobb; arranged by Soft Cell; performed by 13 floppy drives)
Take Off With Us (Lebowsky/Tobias; performed by All That Jazz cast)
A Taste of Honey (Bobby Scott & Ric Marlow.; played by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)
Teen Beat (Sandy Nelson)
Telstar (Joe Meek; played by The Tornadoes)
The Tennessee Bird Walk (Jack Blanchard & Misty Morgan)
They All Axed for You (The Meters)
They Say I’m Different (Betty Davis)
This is Halloween (Danny Elfman; sung by Nightmare Before Christmas cast)
This Land is Mine (Ernest Gold/Pat Boone; performed by Andy Williams)
This Too Shall Pass (OK Go)
Those Were the Days (Boris Fomin & Gene Raskin; sung by Mary Hopkin)
Three is a Magic Number (Bob Dorough)
Thundarr the Barbarian theme
To Sir, With Love (Black/London; sung by Lulu)
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor (J.S. Bach; performed by Robert Tiso)
Toot Sweets (Sherman/Sherman; performed by the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang cast)
Trick Pony (Charlotte Gainsbourg)
Tubular Bells (Mike Oldfield)
Turtles All the Way Down (Sturgill Simpson)
Tutti Frutti (Little Richard)
Under My Thumb (Rolling Stones)
Under Pressure (David Bowie and Queen)
Up on the Roof (Goffin/King; performed by The Drifters)
Venus (Robbie van Leeuwen; performed by Bananarama)
Walk, Don’t Run (Johnny Smith; performed by The Ventures)
We Don’t Need a Man (Rachel Bloom)
We Need Some Money (Chuck Brown and the Soul Searchers)
We’ll Meet Again (Ross Parker and Hughie Charles; sung by Vera Lynn)
Werewolves of London (Warren Zevon)
What a Wonderful World (Thiele/Weiss; performed by CDZA)
What Does the Cat Say? (N2 the Talking Cat; music by Ylvis)
Wheel in the Sky (Fleischman/Schon/Valory; performed by Journey)
When We Was Fab (George Harrison)
While My Guitar Gently Weeps (George Harrison; performed by Prince, Tom Petty, Steve Winwood & Jeff Lynne)
While My Guitar Gently Weeps (George Harrison; performed by Luna)
While My Guitar Gently Weeps (George Harrison; performed by Max Dyer)
White Rabbit (Jefferson Airplane)
A Whiter Shade of Pale (Procul Harum; performed by Jean-Paul Verpeaux)
Who’s Who? (sung by Roberta Tovey)
Why Can’t We Live Together (Timmy Thomas)
Witchfinder General (Carl Douglas)
Wichita Lineman (Jimmy Webb; performed by Glenn Campbell)
Wolf Totem (The Hu)
The Wombling Song (The Wombles)
Word Crimes (“Weird Al” Yankovic)
Xanadu (Rush)
The Yellow Rose of Texas (Traditional; performed by Mitch Miller)
You Can’t Always Get What You Want (The Rolling Stones)
You Got Lucky (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)
You Might Think (Ric Ocasek; performed by The Cars)
You’re the One That I Want (Jacobs/Casey/Farrar; performed by Tragedy)
You’ve Got a Friend (Carole King; performed by Vincent Price and the Muppets)